It's my husband's birthday and I don't want to invite his mother?

Question

We have been married a year and his mom has been a real b*** all along. She was late to our wedding; sat in the back, makes rude comments every chance she gets. I have promised my husband to forgive her and try to be civil. His birthday is in 2 weeks and I’m having dinner at my house. I know the right thing to do is invite her but I just can’t stand her! Any ideas?

Answer 1

The hard part about marriage is when you marry your partner it's pretty much inevitable that you've married their family as well. Unless you're in the movies, two families thrown together suddenly by marriage will always have some point of conflict within that expanded relationship.

My best advice to you? Try to grin and bear it. If you kill her with kindness by being attentive and nice to her (I know, but do your best) it could potentially disarm her enough that she'll shut her mouth. However, it sounds to me like you need to have a chat with the spouse about mother dearest. Explain to him how his mother's behavior bothers you, but try to keep an accusatory tone out of your voice. Focus on your feelings, using the words i, me, my rather than you and your. This will help defuse his defensive feelings. Use phrases such as "I always feel helpless when your mother says ______ to me. How should I handle her? I really need your advice because you know her the best."

I would love to tell you to relax and ignore her and just have fun with your husband and your friends. It would be easy to avoid if you were just inviting friends rather than family members for an intimate birthday dinner. If this is the case, then you have a good excuse for not inviting her, and it defuses the situation all together. Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

Get your priorities right. Why are you celebrating his birthday? For you, or for him? If it's for him on his "special day", then make it special for him. Whatever that takes. If it would be better FOR HIM, invite his mom, grin and bear it. If not, cut her out.
If you're doing it for you, well... get your priorities right.

The birthday issue aside, this is an issue you need to resolve. You don't resolve it with your mother in law. You resolve it with your husband. Explain what you percieve and let him share his perceptions. Then, get on the same page with him. Reach a mutual decision on how to deal with her. Then deal with her. As a team. It's been a year. Honeymoon's over. Either you learn to work together as husband and wife, or you don't.
If you two hang together, present a united front and actually use this issue as a way to grow closer together, you'll be amazed at how easily you will solve this. If not... if you can't even unite on something this simple (that all couples face to one extent or another), then it's just one of many things that will tear you apart.

So... use outside adversity to grow together as a couple, or let it pull you apart. Choose wisely.

Answer 3

Sounds like you will have this problem for many years.

Remember that you signed up for this by deciding to marry your husband in spite of his mother. So make this your problem to solve, not your husband's problem to manage the issues of the two women in his life. You need to be smart, not "right."

Instead of trying to fix your monster-in-law, just outwit her.

Have a "dessert" at the house instead of a dinner, and do this by claiming that you are just too tired and busy for a big dinner party, and that a simple coffee and dessert is what you are doing. Don't ask, just inform. It is not a debate or a negotiation.

(remember, she is going to ridicule and belittle your effort no matter what... the dinner will be cold, or poorly cooked, or badly presented or something cruel and idiotic. SO just plan on it, and have something modest but classy like a nice cake or spread of desserts and coffee and tea and plan for her to shoot arrows into it.) Better yet have her come to the rescue with a contribution of her own...

If she cooks, flatter her by inviting her to bring a dessert (let her know that there will be several there), and if she does not cook or bake, ask her if she wants to pick something up from a favorite bakery... she KNOWS what her son likes (better than you, according to her!).

Have the required dessert and coffee, be gracious, bear with this person for an hour or two, and then send her home.

Schedule a fantastic dinner in or at a restaurant with your husband privately on another evening. Your husband gets a two-fer--- two slices of cake, and an extended birthday.

If you want to go all animal on him (it is after all, only one year of marriage for you two), schedule something x-rated after the "dessert" that evening. Go out and get some edible underwear or some edible massage oil. You get the idea.

Accept the fact that you are never going to make this person (your monster-in-law) a nice person. She is never going to be nice to you, and she is never going to recognize that you are "right." It is a lost cause. Probably more painful for your husband than for you. You can just write her off as a jerk or a b*(*( as you say, but she is his mom, and that hurts more.

Just do the bare minimum so that your husband can preserve some sort of relationship with her. If you place yourself between them and ask your husband to "choose" you may win the battle but you will lose the war. Your husband will be made miserable by his mom, and he will accumulate resentment against you--even perpaps subconsciously, but still it will be a bad thing for your marriage. And you don't need to let that happen just because you are "right" in your position.

Since this is a young marriage, use the situation to your advantage by learning which battles to fight, and which ones to manage down to small skirmishes. Save the big guns and your ego for ones that will matter-- like what religion to have your kids follow, and when/where to move when the opportunity presents itself.

Hope this helps.

M

Answer 4

Dont have the dinner party just do something with just u and him. If u have to do the dinner party invite her bite ur tongue and be the most pleasant person at the party that will eat her lunch believe me it works. She may make a scene but u didnt do anything wrong b/c all u were trying to do is be nice. Also push the situation overboard make it seem that she is ur best friend.

Answer 5

Invite her and if she starts any crap, take her aside and tell her that while she's in YOUR home, you will not tolerate her nasty mouth. Tell her that regardless of how she feels about you, this is a birthday party for her son. If she can't keep her comments to herself, she can leave.

It's an unfortunate situation, because she's going to want to be a part of all future holidays, family gatherings, etc. But you don't have to put up with her crap. Although she can't act maturely, you can. Then you can respect yourself.

It's a shame your husband hasn't put a stop to it. If he really truely loves you (you are his future) he needs to tell her to back off. Maybe if she knows he'll outcast her, she'll straighten up. Maybe he can't stand up to her, for fear she'll turn on him, too? Without knowing all the dynamics, it's hard to tell.

Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck. Hang onto your man, continue to love him and try to ignore his mom.

Answer 6

I totally know what you're going through. What you do is.you invite her to the dinner. Have it the day before his birthday so that everyone you care about is invited. Have the largest fiesta you can afford. Invite as many folks as you can. That way you invited his mom, and at the same time made it so that you're so busy or there is so many people that you won't be available to hear her bullshit. Then on his actual birthday make it a private party for just you and him if you catch my drift. She won't be able to ruin his special day. (or yours!) Don't forget to make his real birthday extra special and romantic.

Answer 7

I assume your hubby knows of the rift between you two. Invite her anyway. Be the bigger person, this time However make it clear to your husband that you are going to invite her and you will continute to invite her as long as she is civil and friendly and behaves towards you. She screws up this birthday party then you will not invite her back. No one likes to be disrespected in their own home especially by someone that should love you and respect you, her son does, she should too.

Answer 8

Just tell your husband that you want to have a dinner party for him and close friends no family and he can go do the family thing with his mother on a different day like when you have to work and cant go

Answer 9

Swallow hard and go ahead and invite her. After you have been married a few more years, she will realize her shinnanigans aren't going to work.
Irregardless of what your husband may say, she is still his mama and he loves her. Its a mother son thing. He will love you more if you invite her on over.

Answer 10

Celebrate just the two of you. If his mother has been this hideous since you got married, I think you're husband should've spoken up LONG AGO!. He needs to make her understand that he loves you, and that you both deserve her respect and decency. She's not going to listen to you. But maybe she'll listen to her son, or understand that she can't be a part of your lives anymore...