How do you leave with out.....?

Question

I know I am gay - I know that and I need to leave my husband - he is a great guy and deserves a woman who can really give him 100%. We have talked - he knows - he hopes that I am bi - so he can play too. But, I still have sex w/him. I married him. I do not get satisfied. But, I try to plez him - I have learned to fake it very well. I dont want to hurt him because he is so good to me. And I know how much he loves me. I cant stand this and feel so trapped! How do I get a clean break w/out completely crushing him. We have talked and talked about this and he knows he didnt make me gay - that it was always there. He just taught me that even tho we live in the bible belt that it is ok to be yourself. Even tho I grew up in a very traditional home - it was ok just to be me. And with his support I have found myself, and I feel like I am missing so much life. We dont have kids... I have kids - he has kids, but we dont have kids together. We have been together 7 yrs, married 2.

Answer 1

Oh, this is a tricky situation, but the longer you stay in it, the more it's going to hurt BOTH of you when it invariably ends. It doesn't have to end, but if you're both interested in loving each other honestly, it should end--at least this incarnation of the relationship. There's no reason it can't evolve into something else equally fulfilling.

The main thing to remember, however, is all marriages hurt when they end, and based on the situation at hand, THIS is probably hurting him more than he's saying. Straights with gay/lesbian/bisexual spouses will often NOT see the agonizing struggle that their non straight partners go through in abolute silence. How could they? They're not telepathic. No one is. And so the thing to remember is no matter how news like this is broken to the straight mate, that person will invariably feel a sense of shock, and in some cases betrayal.

Continuing as you are, faking it, so to speak is going to do nothing more than damage the relationship that you have. If he finds out that you've faked "it" he will wonder what else you've been faking.

Because of where you live, this will be hard on you as well. But if you've found yourself and he was a part of that journey, nothing's gonna change that, and you will always be close to each other, if for no other reason than that. It's a good thing, and if he's being understanding now, it proves that he's as good a man as you say, it also proves that even if your marriage ends, you'll have a friend to talk to, a friend to still spend time with, but just in a different way. Let that happen, but definitely seek the friendship that is likely developing there.

If you love him, be yourself.
If he loves you, he will WANT you to be yourself more than he'll want those nights of screaming pleasure.

No matter what happens, though; don't go regretting anything. You've had a great relationship--well at least a really good one, and that's nothing to sneeze at. Something like this doesn't have to END that relationship, but there is also very little that this relationship can do on the deepest levels of self satisfaction (yours and his) and so the best thing to do is seek out relationships that DO provide that. You need not become estranged from one another, and you need not hurt each other any more than this already hurts.

The thing to remember is to be honest, especially to yourself, and to realize that for as dark and trying as this may be, it gets better. But only if you work at it and go for what you know you need in life, relationships, and friendships with those around you.

If you need to talk to someone, talk here. There are some pretty good people in this community, and if it helps, definitely seek out others who have gone through what you are going through.

Most importantly though, good luck!
It takes bravery to end a good thing and to seek a true thing. You've done a lot already and that counts for something.

Answer 2

Use a marriage therapist/counselor. While many people go to counseling to rescue their marriage, and I do suggest that you go in with an open mind, I think you need to see a therapist who will see you individually and as a couple. If you decide you really want a clean break, a therapist can help you to communicate that and take the necessary first steps. People have done this with marriage counselling for years. But a therapist will also help you to be certain this is what you really want.

Answer 3

Sorry, but there's really no easy way to leave without the pain. You have been together for 7 yrs. and that's really long, and many women and even gay men would trade to be in your place, because your husband is so understanding. But if you really want to leave then you are gonna have to break it to him and tell him that you can't continue living while feeling that there's so much missing in your life.

Answer 4

I went throught this myself. I was engaged for 2 years married for 5. Somewhere in the middle of it I came to teh fact I was at least bi, and then later I realized I was gay. I fought with the decission such as you are now. I ran ever scenerio through my head and there was no easy answer. I was blesses in one way you are not. Niether of us had any kids.

So how can you do this without hurting him. Well you can't. However being open and honest with him as you have will help. Being open and honest with him now is all you can do. You need to find a time where there are no kids around, nor any one else around. You need to plan on giving him some space and time after telling him as well. So make sure you have somewhere to go as well. You certainly don't need to be sleeping in the same bed afterwards.

Then tell him. When you do this remember you have had time to process some of your feelings, ha has not. Be gentle and understanding to him. Yet make sure you stand up for yourself as well. If you are honest with him and talk to him, hopefully he will handle this with the maturity as you are.

Try to be a friend to him no matter how mad and angry he gets. Remember this is not his fault, nor is it yours. We all change during the times in our lives. Society has not made it easy on anyone admitting they are gay.

Be proud of who you are, and proud of what you are doing. You are allowing him to go find love,. You are allowing yourself to go find love. Your allowing both of you to become wonderful friends.

Answer 5

If he gets that you're gay, then I think the faking is really only making things worse. You're unhappy in that relationship, and you're only going to get more unhappy. PLEASE in the meantime don't end up having kids with him; (I'm not all kinds of judgemental, but it does make things more complicated). Sounds like he's pretty cool with it, and you have a good friend at very least. I think you should be really honest with him, and that he can't really blame you (or himself) for not being satisfied when you're gay.

Answer 6

There's no easy way out of this. You're both going to hurt (you love him for the person he is, just not the way a wife should).

It pains me to say it, but you're probably going to have to split up. There's nothing easy about that, either. Your best bet would be to involve a third party (like a counsellor) who can try and look past all the emotions of love, guilt, anger and betrayal to where you both need to be.

Small consolation and it sounds trite, you love him enough to leave him and you need to ensure that he loves you enough to understand and leave you too. Not least because you'll only resent him if you stick with this marriage - and his life will not be as pleasant as with someone who will give him their all.

You have my sympathy and best wishes, going forward - both of you.

Answer 7

You have spent 7 years together... there is no way to leave without pain. You're already feeling it, aren't you?

You could go through some "break-up" counseling, knowing that you have to disentangle from each others' lives. It sounds like you will probably remain friends, even, but there are no guarantees.

You and your husband need to begin to move away from each other. Certainly sit and talk with him... he seems like he wouldn't want you to do things just to "please" him if you're not really into it.

Best wishes. This will not be easy, but it's necessary

Answer 8

Kat get a divorce, be forewarned you are going to hurt him and maybe even the kids - but in time and time is all you can count on right now it will be OK - give yourself plenty of time before coming into a new relationship

Answer 9

It always hurts but the longer you wait the worse it will be!!! Be honest. Tell him what you just wrote and be strong. He needs you to be strong because this is not what he wants. He will respect you later for being honest, so he can go on with his life. Good Luck!!! This is a hard step to take.

Answer 10

I would definitely seek some form of therapy to help with the decision making and the transition. It is going to be difficult for both you and your husband, no matter what. I think the important thing is you are being true to yourself and who you are - this way perhaps you and he can find someone to love the way you were both meant to - and hopefully you can both remain friends... in time.