Having baby before marriage and engagement?

Question

My boyfriend and I of 2 years have been talking of having a baby together. He's 44 and I'm 33. We're in love and want to be together the rest of our lives. He says he wants us to have his last name and will marry me. Our vasectomy reversal appt is coming up really fast. There's no engagement ring yet, just talk. Should I put the vasectomy appt on the back burner until I'm at least engaged to this guy? I love him very much and want a baby with him. We both do not want to live under separate roofs with a child and have that agreement under our belt. Marriage isn't that important to me anymore but it's nice to at least be engaged or have some sort of committment in place. I've been married twice and don't want to get hurt again so marriage is scary but the baby thing is not scary. Is something wrong with this idea?

Update: Ok.I'm getting a lot of good feedback here. First of all, I think him getting a vasectomy reversal is a pretty big thing to do for me. What man is going to want to do that if he isn't committed? That's big!! Second of all, I have one child already from my first marriage. I'm 100% responsible for her, love her and would do anything for her. Being a single mom does not bother me. He has done the divorce thing 13 years ago and has 2 boys. He says he does not want to have a home where the parents live under separate roofs again. We spend all of our time together (when we are not at work). He treats my daughter like gold. We are happy. So Im beginning to think this is going to work out ok, to keep the appt for the 27th and just take it one day at a time?

Answer 1

If God only wanted us to have babies after we were married, we wouldn't be fertile till we had that ring on our finger.

Go for it!!!

Answer 2

I think it is all up to you and your beliefs. Personally, I have seen the effect that single parents have on their children, and it is detrimental. Children, especially young children need both a father and a mother. If this guy is truly in love with you, if he marries you and you have a child, he won't leave. Hopefully you have spent enough time together throughout those two years to know if you will be able to stay together. If you don't find the bably thing scary, then think of the baby's feelings. So when you make that decision, think of the baby's development. Motherhood is not selfish, it is completely selfless. You can make your own decision, but I suggest at least have a wedding date set, Before you have a baby. I also suggest to keep the date set for the vasectamy appt. if you keep putting it off, you will never get it done. Having children is the best experience you will ever have. Sorry if this was all a little bit confusing, and all of that, but I hope I answered your question, and if not, I hope you get an answer. Not to sound all churchy, but if you believe in God, pray for an answer.

Answer 3

no not really.If you have never had a child then that desire will always be there.Once you become pregnant he will probably present you with a ring if he truly loves you.My son was Five months old when his dad and I married. We wanted to live together for at least a year before marrying. We were married 10 years before divorcing but we remain very civil with each other because we always put our son first.I'm getting married a second time next year but I do not want anymore children nor does my fiancee'. I hope the best for you, do what is in your heart!

Answer 4

Marriage is a scary thing, but if you cannot get married and be committed to each other by law than how do you both feel you will commit to a child. Once you have a child it is not something you can change like getting a divorce.

Answer 5

You can continue with the reversal treatment, but you should look into getting on birth control, that way, there little to no chance of pregnancy until you decide to stop taking the BC and am truly ready for having a child with this guy.
Think it through first, what will happen if this relationship doesn't go like you thought and you are stuck with a child, or still pregnant.

Answer 6

If you have been together for 2 years then your right marriage shouldn't matter and neither should the engagement. All that is just a title, and piece of paper. Who cares about that. If he loves you and wants to share that wonderful experience in creating a child then why ruin it by something so stupid?

Answer 7

I would personally think love without commitment is meaningless. After all, what kind of love is it when the guy says: hey, i love you, but not enough to be responsible and committed to our relationship (especially when a child is involved). I know marriage can be intimidating but ask yourself: would you like your child to (posssibly) grow up without a father?

If there's one thing i know it is that men do not truly love someone if they're not totally committed to their loved ones and family.

Simply tell him that no commitment means no child together because he or she deserves a strong and stable family and not a "biological parent" (i hate that word) who might or might not be willing to commit.

Answer 8

Yes. If he is as committed as he says, he would marry you. Having a baby is a big step. Why do it with someone who isn't willing to put it all on the line and commit?

Answer 9

It depends how important marriage is to you. I, for one, view marriage as a piece of paper...so if you want to have a baby in your committed relationship, go for it! If marriage means a great deal to you then wait until you are married.

Answer 10

I'm 31 and have kids outside of marriage. i thought the same way but i decided to have kids and that is the best choose i couldn't made i love my kids so much. we live together but not engaged or married all that does not matter to me.

Answer 11

Girl you crazy i stay by my self into he as me to marry him.
Some might go wrong why you staying wit him you don't know he might kick you out for talk in back to him. When he ask you to marry him then started thinking about a baby. I know.