I ask my wife to have better manners. She says I married her this way. I say that's a cop-out. Who's right?

Question

I point out things like how she snickers at bad drivers but occassionally she'll make a bad move behind the wheel and laugh it off. Or how she is not generous to others, but when on the receiving end she will call others cheap or wonder why they aren't more generous. So when I point these things out, she says this is how she's always been and that this is the person that I married. She'll ask me why I wan't to change her and above all why did I even marry her if I'm not happy with the person whe is? I respond by saying that is a cop-out in that we should always strive to be a better person. And also that it's not true - I do love her for who she is but I also want her to know if she's acting wrong or could be a better person. To her, it's just me pointing out her flaws - she becomes defensive and angry. Who's right here? And is there a better way to approach this?

Answer 1

I hate that you "married me this way" answer that people give too.

My fiance's mom always tells him that, and I hate that cop-out!

I'm in graduate school for counseling, and we always learned to tell people in marriage counseling that marriage is a partnership, and that you have to make compromises on things everyday.
Maybe try telling her that you want to help eachother improve, and that you don't mean to hurt her feelings or make her defensive, and you'd like to openly discuss (hopefully without too much anger and defensiveness) things about the other that could be worked on together as a team.

Reassure her that although you LOVE her, and that's why you married her despite flaws, you'd like to help eachother improve on something everyday. ...and make sure you're open to any criticizims she brings your way.

Answer 2

Not sure about all the details but you could point out that she should "do unto others........" For example, when she's not generous and then complains about others being cheap, you need to tell her that if she expects someone to spend $25 on a gift for her, she's going to have to cough up a lot more $10 gift certificate for a person. Next time she makes a stupid driving move, remind her about the time she laughed or screamed at the idiot who cut her off. Know what I mean? Also, be sure that YOU are not disproportionately critical. It could be that your wife has some valid points about other people. Maybe she knows she is not perfect either but hopefully you aren't the type of person who thinks no one should ever criticize ANYONE else. Also hopefully you don't think she should just "turn the other cheek" all the time.

Answer 3

Well... you're both right, to some degree.

A person must accept the spouse for who they are when they get married, with no expectation or demand for change. They must commit to the person right as they are at that very moment, realistically.

But everyone should be maturing in life, striving to become a better person on their own initiative. We are personally responsible for our own behavior and growth; and if we love our spouses, we also want to see them become all they could be.

You didn't go overboard in noting the fact that she was inconsistent, especially if it was bugging you. If some behavior happens consistently and starts to drive a wedge between you, you need to be able to discuss the spots where you bump elbows.

Still, you have to be careful how you criticize your spouse, since the marriage is supposed to be (and only functions well as) a safe place for both people to be themselves, flaws and all. And sometimes you just need to "suck it up" -- confronting the behavior only when it really seems appropriate.

She's only defensive because she knows you're right, but is either unwilling to change or does not know how. She might also perceive you as an enemy (since you have a vested interest here) rather than as someone helping her.

Basically, what has to happen is (1) she needs to decide that she wants to be more consistent and kinder, and (2) you need to be willing to mention your disappointments to her in a loving/considerate way and then let them go, trusting her to make a good decision about them.

If you get mad at her defensiveness or pester her consistently about things, it will contribute to you being the aggressor. Somehow you need to convey that you are on her side, for the long haul, and your comments are made not necessarily for your benefit but for hers, because you love her and want to see her change.

All you can control, really, is your own attitude towards your wife. It will take a continual commitment for you to stick with her, pointing out the flaws when appropriate or when you think she really needs to see them, and otherwise encourage her, absorb the defensiveness, and don't take her refusals personally.

You need to keep checking your own attitude towards her, abandoning resentment and fostering love.

Idealistically, if she perceives that from you for long enough, she will eventually change. It will just take some time. If she feels pressure to change, though, she sounds like the type that will fight you tooth and nail.

Answer 4

Interesting question.
I agree with your position that we should always strive to become better and she probably knows you're right, but I also believe that there's an element of stubborness involved here on her part. If she admitted that you're right, then that's like admitting to a weakness or fault in her personality. It sounds like she has a bit of an ego (hypocritical streak) and admitting to a weakness would be a blow to her ego. It's like a little bit of a power struggle. (Who gives in and who's right). So she goes on the defensive by saying that you married her like that. Of course that is nonsense, but it's nothing more than her not willing to admit defeat (being wrong).
My suggestion would be to not criticise her at all, but to live by example. When she notices that other people react positively to you, she will change her behavior. Become an inspiration to her, rather than a mentor. It won't be long until you're in such a situation again and she'll expect you to say something to correct her and when you say nothing, she'll be surprised and hopefully think about her behavior. This will not change things over night, but I'm quite sure it'll change over time.

Answer 5

Pointing out people flaws is the act of an insecure controlling personality. Your wife has every reason to be angry and defensive. Grow-up.

Answer 6

The driving thing applies to most people, but the problem with calling people cheap is real. She should understand that giving is a two way street. Don't take more than you are willing to give. If she continues to embarrass you, slow down her opportunities. Stay home more often and when she gets bored, explain that you want to go out ect. but not at the risk of having a fight with her. Tell her its more important to get along with her than to go out. She will try harder to be polite towards other people.

Answer 7

It's not a matter of who is right and who is wrong. It's not up to you to tell her if she could be a better person. Don't point out her flaws, just simply tell her that you don't like the way she is acting, It is what it is

Answer 8

It's a bit of both. I am sure none of her behaviours come as a surprise; however, with time and maturity we all grow and change. I believe that none of us are perfect, but when given an opportunity to grow, one should always be receptive. You should not tell her she needs to change, bu rather you can show her how her words and actions affect others, including you, the person she loves.

Answer 9

If you have good manners and she's being rude, I don't blame you for getting on her case. There is nothing more annoying than living with a rude, egotistical jerk. Due to environmental stresses from so many sources I've noticed the downfall of human kindness, which is no excuse...I've even seen it in myself from time to time to be honest. What's important is remembering to have good manners and respect others. Without respect for others and ourselves society will only grow more unfeeling, and that is truly sad.

Answer 10

I understand that you care about her and would only bring these points up to her benefit, someone who doesn't care would never say anything or do anything to help her improve.

Perhaps you could let her know that she is free to do the same for you. Is there one or more area you could improve, that she could help you with? Maybe this back-door approach would help her realize your motive.

Good luck.