What is happening?

Question

My wife and I recently married a little over two months ago. We've been living together for approx 5 years. We have been through everything under the sun together from financial difficulties, in house seperation due to my temper/anger problems, counseling, etc. Weeks before the wedding we were both very stressed out becaose of wedding preperations and we got into a huge argument on the side of the road in our car, we came real close to calling the whole thing off, but decided against it. The wedding day was wonderful and the honeymoon was amazing. For me, it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off of me and I was seeing her again for the first time. However, when we returned she started to change, started to pull away. We hadn't had sex in over two months and during that time I questioned many things; was she cheating on me, was she having regrets, was she falling out of love? A few weeks ago I confronted her about an email I had found that she sent to a friend of hers...

from out of state. The email was in reference to a dream she had about him, it didn['t go into detail but apparently they had sex in her dream. When I confronted her about it, she became defensive and upset that I had checked her email but never held herself accountable for sending the email to the guy. This led her to say alot of things about relationship, all the problems we had since the beginning, how we came close to calling the wedding off. She says she loves me but the desire isn't there for her. So we started sleeping in seperate bedrooms. She is in no rush to get a divorce but also in no rush to work on things. I'm in counseling, she says she will start going on her own soon. We hug, but it's more of a friendly hug. I go to kiss her and she doesn't respond. I've gone into our bedroom a couple times and held her without complaint. We held hands walking to the movies the other day. But I wonder if she is just allowing these things to happen. What's going on?

Is she confused? She's home everynight so I know she isn't cheating. There are no mysterious phone calls on our cell bill. She is only talking to this guy that lives out of state, so there's no threat there. Is she just freaked out about being married and scared that our lives are never going to change. She's brought up things about me not being able to take care of her, she doesn't feel secure, she needs stability, consistency. Is she just making sure I will change for GOOD? Or is she just trying to figure out what direction to take? Or is she just buying time until the house is ready to be sold?

Well alot has happened. The most recent events were that I started checking her email, cell phone bills and I found a box of emergency birth control pills in her purse, just two days after she flipped out and said she wanted a divorce but then retracted the statement. But after finding the BC pills I lost my cool and called her a f'n whore and said I hated her because I felt as if she was cheating no me. I asked her about them and she said she just got them just in case, but my counselor didnt believe that. but he also didn't believe she was cheating. he just thinks she was very mad and probably got them on purpose just to see how i would react. In the past there have been alot of unresolved issues and she is bringing all kinds of stuff up from the very beginning of our relationship. It's as if she is very unhappy and feels this whole thing was a mistake but like i said, she is in no rush to get divorced or work thigns out. so i dont know what shes thinking.

Yes, I am reaping what I've sown, but I'm taking alot of steps now to take care of myself. Going to counseling, taking medication for anxiety, getting back into church. I know she is fed up, that's not the question. I just wonder what's going to happen. Is she just too afraid to divorce me this early on, is she waiting to see if these changes are real or is she not sure? We've had a lot of good times but unfortunately the bad times outweigh the good times. I've never hit her but I have grabbed her a few times out of frustration...I know it wasn't right to do and that stuff happened years ago.

It's strange because we had dinner the other night and I told her I didn't want to give up, she said she knows. I said I care too much about her and our family and I don't want to see this end. She said she knows and she also said that just because she feels the way she does, doesn't mean she doesn't care about our family or me. It's confusing. She said she just can't make herself want this to work. A part of me thinks she is just waiting to see if this change is permanent and another part of me thinks that in her heart and her mind it's over, but she just doesn't know how to take that first step. It's very scary to be in this situation. I'm putting my faith in God that He will see us through this. I'm trying not to have doubt, but I just don't know. Just the other day she bought a scrapbook for our wedding pictures. Is this little stuff just a front she's putting up? Or is a part of her still in this with me?

don't misunderstand. i wasn't upset about the dream i was upset because she told the person she dreamed about, about the dream. as far as her purse, i didn't go through it. i was on the floor ironing and i looked over and saw the pills.

Answer 1

Dude, you are a mess. Time to grow a pair. I've never seen so much thought behind a relationship from a guy....ever. Forget all the bs. You know what the reality is. God is not going to make her love you. If she did love you, it's gone, sorry to say. Just make a clean split. You haven't been married that long. Confidence is key, and you have none. Marriage counseling is supposed to be done by both of you together. If she refused, then why did you bother. Too many signs, not enough relationship. Sorry dude, but it's over.

Answer 2

hi,
Well sir, all I can say is you are very patient with her, and have a good heart. don't change your ways because of this bumpy road. yes there has been plenty so you mentioned, but now you both have taken a bigger step together.
Continue doing what you are doing, give her space. allow her to think about what she really wants. allow her to make her mistakes in the long run if the love is there she will realize your the one her heart beats for. your the one she misses good times with etc.
Your doing the right thing, give her space. DO NOT LOOK INTO HER PERSONAL STUFF. NO MATTER HOW TEMPTING IT IS DON'T DO IT. It will only make matters worse for the both of you.
continue going out, holding hands etc. enjoy every moment you get with her during this difficult time you are both dealing with. continue to show and tell her that you are there through the good and the bad, through thick and thin like you both have been for each other over the years. you are doing just that by giving her the space she needs, and continuously loving her unconditionally.

good luck.

Answer 3

I may not sound like it, but I am trying to be helpfull.........

Whats going on = you are reaping what you have sown.
Sounds like the relationship was screwed long ago. She may have tried to hang in there for the kids(if there are any), but has found that she cannot do it. Face it buddy, the relationship is broken. There may be no 'quick fix'. Temper/anger problems? Well if you use to hit her she probably dint like you anymore. If you didn't hit her, she probably thinks you will. Either way, you need to be stable in yourself. Separation can work wonders. clear your mind etc. do some thinking. Separate for 3 months. See how it goes. See how you go.
When you mentioned your early years together, you only mentioned 'hard times'. Did you realize that? Do you see anything good inthis relationship? Maybe you should take a break for a while, give her a break for a while.

PS....When you got married ""it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off of me"" .......please........why would she be happy with you.

Answer 4

Well, it is really hard for me to answer you as far as what is going to happen...because I am in the same boat as you are except we have been married for 6 1/2 years. My husband won't got to any counseling or talk to anyone besides this one girl (who is one of our problems). He won't admit it either. Stay strong, stay in your counseling and pray. That is all I can do too I guess. I am sorry that you two are going through this, but it makes me feel alittle better knowing I am not the only one going through this. If you get angry at her again try screaming or punching something (a pillow) anything besides touching her...that isn't good...even the grabbing. My husband since he told me has been sleeping on the sofa or at a friends house and here I am with 3 kids and a house and a dog (that he wanted).

Everyone is telling me that you can't hold on to someone who doesn't love you anymore. My husband says that he loves me as a person but not in love. The computer is nothing but trouble if u ask me, cause that is where my husband starting talking to this girl. I know it wasn't much but hopefully it all works out for you. Good luck!

Answer 5

You both married a stranger. You are not to be trusted and the crabbing can kill a love forever don't you get it. Once you put the fear of abuse into a woman no matter how much she cares you killed the relationship. She is only waiting to divorce so that there is not so much talk. You and your temper and my guess your condescending way have destroyed your marriage. You are not being honest with the Yahoo answer people, your counselor or yourself. Separate quietly and you need to work on your own problems before you expect someone to be a part of your life. Let her move on in peace. She is afraid of you dummy. How ugly have you made this you blew it. Buddy you got problems.

Answer 6

I would try counseling first, either a good pastor or a professional marriage counselor.

Clearly there are both positives and negatives in your relationship. In order for you to build the right kind of marriage and relationship you will both have to make concessions. You will have to get something I don't see much evidence of--trust.

This isn't easy, and it might not work out.

Marriage isn't just about sex. There's a lot more to it than that. Love is about being unselfish when the need is there to be giving, and of sacrificing things you like for things you love.

Temper and anger are things you can learn to manage--and if you don't your relationship is doomed to failure.

Change the things you can and need to change, learn to accept the things you can't change. Try to be loving and giving, for a change--both of you.

Answer 7

You are like almost every other married guy. You got played you fool. She put on a "dog and pony" show to get you to marry her, and then after the wedding she doesn't need to have sex with you anymore. She has you by the balls now. The only way out is financial ruin through divorce. Nice job you tool. I don't feel sorry for you one bit.

Answer 8

Get out now. I don't think any amount of counseling is going to help you were doomed from the start. I just don;t think you were meant to be. As far as birth control pills, PROBLEM! Seperate and maybe with time things could work out but I doubt it. Going to church is NOT going to save your marriage sorry!!!

Answer 9

Unfortunately, for you, she, your wife wasn't ready for marriage. She still wants to be single, evidence of birth control pills,which, she didn't need since she didn't want marital relations/sex with you. She's celibant with you and not with some one else. The e-mail to the guy she secretly sent, to happen to be, the one she had sex with in her dream. You mentioned the selling of your house, she wants the cut out of the sale and then she'll make her move to leave. So, sorry for you, you've been fair, given her chances to be a wife, which , she ignores the role. Just don't push it, there's some descent, loving woman waiting for you. lLet her go, divorce her, so fate can initiate for you. Good luck!

Answer 10

You go through her email and confront her about a dream? That was her crime? Having a dream and sharing it with a friend?

You go through her purse? How old are you? Do you know nothing of personal boundaries?


I can't believe she stays with you. Why would any human being stay with someone who confronts them about their dreams? She isn't allowed to have any thoughts not pre-approved by you?

She probably feels trapped with someone who is so invasive she doesn't know how to get away.

You need a lot more help than you are getting and she needs to run, not walk but run away.