my bf is in the closet so he wont acknowledge me in public .... i want him to desperatly and have told him this but he doesnt seem to get how important it is to me how can i make it clear to him that he needs t show that he cares or im gone?
2006-07-09 23:17:37 · 12 answers · asked by ancient_code05 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
I've been in a relationship with a closeted guy before who would constantly express his desire to go out to the gay area of town but would barely speak to me whenever we were together in public, much less make eye contact. So I can easily imagine how lonely, sad, and hurt your boyfriend's actions must make you feel. While others have advised that you either (1) simply ditch the guy or (2) respect his feelings, the fact of the matter is that now is the time for your boyfriend to mature as a gay man, and you bear the responsibility of communicating your position. Begin by choosing an appropriate time and place to sit down and talk to him. When you bring up the subject, make eye contact. Don't simply tell him he's being selfish or cowardly; instead, tell him how his behavior makes you feel. Make sure that he understands that you wouldn't be having this difficult conversation unless you felt that your relationship was worth the investment. It's important that you approach the topic with understanding, but don't let him get off the hook--he has to know that the lack of acknowledgement in public is not an acceptable dynamic for any healthy relationship, and that his actions effectively put you on unequal terms.
If he's willing to work with you on being more open, you'll need to take baby steps. It's critically important that you begin with maybe a trusted friend, or if you're beyond that already, a small gathering. Everyone he meets has to be supportive--if he even perceives one negative reaction, it's going to set him back for a long time. Give him time to get comfortable with being openly gay. Once he sees he has nothing to fear, he will begin to take the initiative.
If he isn't willing (i.e., he's too closeted), then I'm afraid the two of you are at different points in your lives and it's not going to match up anytime soon. As much as you may love him, he isn't ready for you. Negotiation requires cooperation; if he can't budge, then there's no point in compromising your integrity and self-esteem for his continued paranoia.
2006-07-10 01:21:12 · answer #1 · answered by wickerprints 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I hate to say it but the answer is couples counseling. The strain and stress that being closeted places on a relationship is destructive for many reasons. Only a professional counselor can guide you two through this turmoil. It may mean that your BF needs to come out, it may me an you need to go back in, or it may mean that your relationship may never be more than f-buddies. This is not an issue to try to handle on your own or seek amateur advice.
2006-07-10 09:38:07 · answer #2 · answered by mike g 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not easy, but do you know where and why he has remained in the closet? Is it at work? Or in town? Talk with him, and try to find a compromise. Maybe go out of town for the weekend, to some place where nobody knows either of you, and see how it feels to be 'public' with your relationship in a place where it's safe. From there you can try to venture closer to home with it.
Good luck. I know how frustrating a 'secret love' can be, and don't take it personally.
2006-07-10 06:27:12 · answer #3 · answered by Arlene06 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't force someone to do something that he's is uncomfortable doing. I'm sure he has his reasons, family being homophobic, local area where he lives etc. If you care from him, you will accept his reasons and maybe work with him to working this out and coming out of the closet. Issuing ultimations is the wrong thing to do.
2006-07-10 06:28:44 · answer #4 · answered by Irish_bi_female 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One way to get him to acknowledge you in public is to start having a wondering eye. Look at hotties and make sure he knows what you are doing. If he don't get a clue then someone else will sure like to take his place and would love to show you acknowledgment in public and in private.
2006-07-10 06:25:30 · answer #5 · answered by nyrwldstdrms 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he might have his reasons, so you'll need to respect that. everybody expresses their feelings differently. just because he admires and dotes on you in the privacy of your own home does not mean that he is ashamed of you.
this has nothing to do with you, but rather, its his own demons.
i know you feel slighted but you need to get over this. if you decide that he is not worth it cuz he doesn't flaunt you off in public then you can chose to leave him but if he such a wonderful person that this small little hiccup can be forgotten, then i suggest you do so.
this is a live or leave situation. talk to him to ascertain your own feelings about this. and please think carefully before you act.
i wish you well in your endeavour
2006-07-10 07:55:47 · answer #6 · answered by Rainbow nation 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ditch the guy, for @#@ sake! He's not worthy of your affection.Find somebody else who'll be proud to be seen in public with you...like mee!! just kidding,I think I'll hide behind the........
2006-07-10 06:31:32 · answer #7 · answered by cellm8te 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
dont waste your time with a close case. you are enabling him to stay in the closet. find someone that is comfortable with themselves. besides, as soon as he comes out he is going to be a little slut - remember when you came out?
2006-07-11 11:36:34 · answer #8 · answered by Daniel M 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a toughie. If he is not comfortable in coming out, then you should respect that and not force him. However if it causes you problems - you may have to consider leaving.
2006-07-10 06:27:34 · answer #9 · answered by unclefrunk 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Clear communication, but respect his view. There are two of you.
2006-07-10 06:22:36 · answer #10 · answered by helixburger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋