My parents are getting a divorce, how can I make myself calm?

Question

They are fighting alot and my Mom is always crying and my Dad tells every body different stories, and I'm in middle school so there's school in the fall, plus my mom and me are lookinng for apts. and have had no luck.

Answer 1

It sounds like you're going through a tough time. I'm very sorry.

For any number of reasons, marriages don't always work. It doesn't mean that it's anyone's fault. It's just a number of things that build up over time, and leave adults feeling frustrated, sad and sometimes angry.

As a parent who is currently going through a divorce myself, I can tell you that the last thing your parents want to do is hurt you. They are adults, and as the adults it is their job to deal with their business, such as finding a suitable new home for you and getting a handle on their emotions. Those are not problems for you to solve, so, hard as it may be, try to let it go and allow them to take care of you.

Remind yourself that both your parents love you. Go hug your mom and tell her how much you love her, I'm sure she would appreciate it, and it will help you to calm down, too. Sometimes adults get caught up and forget to slow down.

Get a little exercise to get rid of the nervous energy. Turn on the radio and dance around in your room. Other suggestions: a long bath, a good book, write in a journal, or talk to a friend.

Hang in there!

Answer 2

It's good that you are reaching out and thinking proactively about what you should do.

I'm not an expert and probably nobody is here. Even if someone here is works on divorce cases it would be inappropriate to give you professional advice in a public forum. So take anything you hear on Yahoo with a grain of salt.

Marital conflict and divorce are, sadly, very common. The good thing is that you are not alone. Many have experienced their parents' breakup, and studied the issue, so that there are a lot of resources available: websites, books, counseling, friends and peer groups. You can start by asking a school counselor, church leader, or even a librarian what to read.

Remember that it is not your fault and that the divorce does not make you damaged goods. Some are hurt by their parents' divorce, and it translates to difficulties for a long time later in life. Others recover, and use the lessons to improve their own life.

A divorce lawsuit can get mean and nasty. There may be court dates over who should raise you, and over money and property. You may have decisions to make. One or both parents may try to use you in the fight against the other. Be strong but also fair. You seem to be saying your father is lying and being mean to your mother. There could be mental problems, drugs, alcohol, infidelity, other things you already know about or maybe you don't know. If there is ever any physical abuse (violence or threats), or sexual abuse (anything improper), you need to report that immediately and don't let it ever happen to you or anyone else. I don't want to sound too negative. Sometimes things are just fine. It is always hard but sometimes the issue is just that two people are incompatible or don't have the same love for each other they had when they first married. Some parents remain decent friends after a divorce -- they are just not married.

I cannot say why you are having trouble with apartments. It could be money or credit, or your mother is being choosy. It is sometimes easier to get rooms in small buildings, houses, or rooms in people's houses, than a big building. If you are coming along dress well and present yourself like the kind of young adult everyone would want to know. Ask your mother to check which school you will attend if she moves.

There will probably be less money and you will have to pitch in by living with less, maybe helping more with plans and chores. Do you have brothers and sisters? You might have to be the adult of the house for a while and help your mother.

Hope this helps.

Answer 3

well take a deep breath and try to relax. first of all, realize that this will pass for the most part once your parents are living in seperate homes.
i would suggest you find something productive to do while you are going thru this. spend some time with your friends, and go have some fun! its summer and you should be able to go and destress this way.
divorces are very difficult for everyone involved. I think if you realize that everyone will calm down a lot more once the living arrangements are different, it will be easier for you to get thru this especially tough time.
because youre the child, you are unfortunately caught in the middle of this mess. try to be as supportive as you can, but remember that sometimes the grownups dont act like grownups at all during times like this. also keep in mind that this is their problem, the stories, etc, should pretty much be ignored by you the best you can, as really, does it do anything to make anyone feel better?
make sure mom takes some time to go and do something fun too. she needs to remember just like you this is only temporary, and things will smooth out eventually.

good luck to you. so sorry your summer has turned out to be such a bummer. be glad that you are alive, and this mess will eventually clear up and you won't feel quite so lost!

Answer 4

So sorry to hear it, kiddo. My parents got divorced when I was in the eighth grade (well, it started then but took a while) and although I was really happy about it - I really hated my dad at the time - it was still pretty painful at times. This was many, many years ago, but still I know that it's hard. So, here's one thing: never, never, NEVER let one parent bad-mouth the other in front of you. If they start, tell 'em to grow up! Remember that none of this has anything to do with you (I know, that sounds weird, but it's true) and remember that both your parents will go on loving you.

Hang in there with your mom - it's going to be very hard for her - and practice being forgiving, because divorce tends to bring out the worst in people. Remember that in time, the feelings for everyone won't be so raw.

Good luck.

Answer 5

I am so sorry for such a painful experience you are having. There is no way to eliminate that pain. Hold on to the fact that it will not be like this forever - it will get better. You can call a crisis line for free to just talk to a trained person when you are feeling you need a little direction or just to hear a caring voice.. It is such a sad time, you are not alone - try finding a support group for the children of divorce. Good luck and try to keep reminding yourself it will get better!

http://www.divorcecare.com/

Answer 6

Know that they both love you, even if they have trouble showing it lately. A lot of times, parents are so wrapped up in their own problems, or their worry for your safety etc that they forget to deal with you as a person. Know that their insanity is temporary, and don't be afraid to talk to them about it (but don't try when you're all emotional, that's not very productive).

If you believe in God, now's the time to talk to him, and let yourself worry about the fall (school is enough to deal with). Unfortunately, you are having to grow up a little ahead of time, but promise yourself you will not let this take away your childhood.

Belive that this is for a reason, and you will know you're a better person for it in the long run!

Good luck!

Answer 7

I just want to say that u are not alone, I had to deal with it to, but i was younger and never understood what was going on, i always wanted to know where my daddy was, Have u ever told them both that u would like to talk to them both? That might help, do u even know why they are divorcing? Well I know its going to be hard but think good things come to those who wait, Youll get through it, in the mean time just look at the good things, And im sure u love them both and ull get to see them both as well. I know this might not seem like it would help but just look at it as a new adventure in life

Good Luck!!!
MJ

Answer 8

Ahhh girl, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I don't know what you can do to feel better about it, besides talk to both of your parents if possible.

Just know that this is in no way your fault and take it one day at a time. It's hard but things will calm down and get better.

Answer 9

First of all sweetie I am sorry to hear about your parents. I went through the same thing with my parents and a part of me thought that it was my fault. I later learned that it had nothing to do with me. If two people are not happy together then it is probably best if they separate. But just remember to be there for your mother and keep your head up and remember that they both love you more than life itself. And what they are going through have nothing to do with you.

Answer 10

Tell both your parents you are having a hard time with this and would like them to choose A or B to do.

Think hard would you like them to choose to stop fighting in front of you? Would you like them to tell you more about the reasons for your divorce and your having to move?

I like the idea that you get to stay in a place of your choosing and they have to move in and out of that place when their visitation is over. Kids need more stability than parents. They are the grownups not you.
Then say to them individually.
"This divorce is making me feel so upset I need your help." Then ask them to choose your request you decided on:

A)

or

B)

Give them a choice and let them choose.

I bet they don't choose therapy as it costs money but you can try to get one on your own.

You can call the local hospital and ask for help many can help you for free, but not all. Ask them for a referral for counselors that helps teens who have no money.

The rest of the therapists you dont like say sorry it's not working for you. You need to find a therapist you can relate to easily.
Don't worry you will find a therapist that you like and can trust.

Also read a book on Cognitive therapy. David Burns has written a lot about how to control your thoughts which creates the fears and feelings. You CAN succeed. In a few years you will be stronger and at peace. Please be gentle with yourself. HUGS