can u guys tell me what u think of this thing i wrote?

Question

let the darkness grip you
let your viens blacken with hate
let the rage squeeze the life out of you
watch it as it consumes you
a deadly cancer called love
watch it grapple your heart
a spellbinding essence called beauty

Answer 1

good, keep writing more and put more voice into it and spell check everything and proof read it and if its necessary take some lines out.

Answer 2

Here I touched it up....hope you don't mind.

let him grip you by the throat.
(I let him because his lobotomy grew back together)
let your veins blacken with hate
(until they burst like like a water balloon on a windshield)
let the rage squeeze the life out of you
(like used toothpaste as it goes down the drain)
watch it as it eats you
(all the time wonder what's for dessert)
like a deadly dancer that can't dance
(because he has two left feet, one missing a toe because it
was transplanted to his hand so he could have a thumb)
watch it grapple your heart
(while your asking yourself, why is my chest open with a grapple in it?)
a spellbinding essence called 'beauty'
(not 'beauty', how about 'booty'?)

Answer 3

Whoa, dark to the extreme. You must have had a serious breakup with someone you cared about or had a solid relationship or something in order to write this. Dark. That said, I don't think that's bad. This is great stuff and your voice, raw and unfiltered shows through. Good, real good. I wouldn't want to mess with you though in the matters of the heart.

Answer 4

it's very dark, deep and painful in the words
but i like the way you described the feeling of when a heart gets shattered, but love shouldn't be so dark
love is beautiful through its many layers

so far it's good
but email me and i can help you add more descriptive details
well im a poet

[e-mail]

Answer 5

Wow. Love should be something that is selfless and fills your heart with joy not sorrow. I honestly think this is really perverted. Not in a sexual way, but just twisted thinking.
The greatest love that was ever expressed was when God sent his son to die on the cross for you.
Id love to have the chance to talk to you more. If you want you can e-mail me. -Rob

Answer 6

Interesting.

Answer 7

Uh...okay. It's a beginning. But you only find your voice in the last three lines. It needs to be longer, to illustate the point you're trying to make here. Also, don't be so angry. It's deafening to the reader.

Answer 8

it is very deep if that is what you mean and i like the way you put your words describing a feeling of love.. good poem.. but i wouldnt put it out like that cause some little kids will steal it and give it to ther boyfriend my sister i just found out did that with almost all my poetry which really pisses me off to have my poetry floatin around, you know what i mean.. anyways good poem!

Answer 9

Wow. It's very... grasping. Holds you steady till you're done reading it. Very beautifully written. Good Job and keep writting, okay? Also something I'd like to share with you:

Dear Hero,
So, here I am. And here you are. Standing right in front of me. I’ve got so much to say to you, but no clue for where to start - I’m speechless. I fear my words may make no sense. They’re not as worth much. Am I in my senses? If so, why am I crying? My own heart is skipping a beat, flames under my skin, I’m struggling to stand straight, a rush of energy, as the thought of you, runs through my mind. I hope this is real. Maybe I’m just dreaming. ‘Cause somewhere in my mind. The little girl in me, admiring the courage in you, she's standing at the mountain peak. Calling out to you. She’s screaming out loud. Yet her voice is mute to me. Echoes in her mind, though I cannot hear. Tears filling her eyes, she blinks them away, still, her vision is a blur. The murmurs of people around her, she’s taking another step forward. Barely hearing her own whispers, “Hero, I don’t want to fall.” “Please come save me again.” “Hold me one more time, Hero” .... “I’m scared, Hero.” She closes her eyes, and there you were, smiling that smile I’ve never forgotten. Those eyes were too bright to look at without blinking at them at least twice. Looking through her eyes. Reading her mind, you hold her in your arms. She’s swept away to a world of protectiveness. Where no one can harm her. And that’s when I realized, She’s found her Hero, but will my Hero come save me again? Clearly this is too good to be true that maybe it isn’t. But now here you are my Hero. And I’ve found you. I may not be a perfect person. You're perfect to me. You seek no recognition, for being the Hero that you are. Expect nothing in return. I've been searching for you months now. And for me, time has stopped since then, one afternoon, an ordinary day, when you first saved me. You weren’t wearing a mask. Nor did you come leaping on tall buildings. I just opened my eyes, and there you were. Ready to save me. And then… you were gone. I forgot to thank you. Hero you braved my fears. For you, I think, I'll do just about anything. So what is my definition of Hero? A Hero - is what you are. All I've wanted was to only meet you. But now that you're here, what am I to do next? Endless times Hero, You saved me over and over again. How can I show you? I need to let you know, you are my one-and-only Hero. You don't have to be there when I call. Just want to make sure you know that I called. You’re already with me, some place deep in my heart. And I promise you, that I’ll never let you leave. Please Hero, I’ve been torn I see the truth in your eyes. Bring it to your lips. Mislead me no more. Without you I’m incomplete If not now I’ll never speak. People call me obsessed, insane or weird. Although I’m a little bit of all those remarks, I’m feeling special tonight. I don’t need to worry who I am. With you, I’m nothing but me. So fly me away to a world where Hero, problems don’t rain down on me. Hold me once in your arms, and don’t let me fall… So here I am Hero and here you are. Standing right in front of me. I’ve got so much to say to you – I’m speechless. Sincerely, Your Well-wisher

Sometimes I hate writting. This journel entry I wrote, about 3 months ago, it made me go against myself. Now that I truly understand it, it hurts. Take care and good luck with your future endevours! Let me know if you like it.... :)

Warm Regards!
- Hidden

Answer 10

Why is love so dark and hateful to you? Did u break up with your g/f? LOve is not supposed to be so dark and hateful..love is beautiful and warm!