Is he trying to control my life?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 year now. We live together. He's 34, I'm 25. First it was how I was spending my money, then it was how I spent my time, now it's how much wine I drink. I feel like I'm 18 again and living under my parents roof. I can't pour myself a glass of wine without him giving me a look now. Last night he woke up to find me with a glass of wine, watching TV. It was after midnight but I was just trying to get some "me" time in. He was pissed at me. I felt like I was just caught drinking under age by my mother. Damn I'm 26 years old, old enough to drink, old enough to makle my own decisions. I feel like he's taking my youth away. I sacrafice every other weekend to spend with him and his daughter too. Can't I be treated like an adult here? I'm not wreckless, I don't drink and drive, I don't cheat, I just like to have a glass or two of wine here and there. He's watching and judging my every move. What should I do? As you can tell I'm frustrated! Thanks

Answer 1

There are quite a few things going on here. Let's try to hit them all.

First off, I doubt he is consciously trying to control your life. Typically one partner or the other is a little more frugal when it comes to finances. Furthermore, many of us men can not seem to grasp why women spend so much money on things we do not understand. As far as your time goes, who knows? There are probably lot of domestic related issues that play in to that.

As far as the drinking thing goes, who knows? The exact scenario that you described happened to me all the time with my exwife, and my best friend battles it with his wife as well. The "gender shoe" is on the other foot, but it is the exact same thing. I'm sure there will be a bunch of idiots that will jump to the conclusion that you have a drinking problem. Why? I don't know, people just seem to do that. I am going with the assumption that you dont have a problem, like most people don't. If it is something that you enjoy, then he is going to have to understand. Just like if he enjoyed hunting, and you didnt, you'd have to understand, right?

As far as "sacraficing" your weekends go, you knew what you were getting in to whenever you hooked up with the dude. I understand why you are complaining about it because you are upset. However, you made that bed. You have to lie in it.

On the same note, he isn't taking away your youth either. You gave up a portion of your youth whenever you decided to hook up with an old man with kids. That was your decision, not his. Furthermore, you didn't have to move in with him. Seriously, you have only been dating for 1 year and you already are shacked up with him permanently? Why? Why not date and live apart? If you did, you could pound wine as late as you wanted to. You could do your own thing when he has his kids; You could still have slumber parties whenever you wanted; You could have people/friends over that are your own age to hang out with and be "young" with and so forth.

As far as him "judging" or treating you like he is your "father," well, I bet he battles that in his own mind. Honestly, I bet it is somewhat natural to a point. Sure, he loves you like you are his woman, but yet, you are so much younger that he probably fields he needs to guide you and "parent" you along. Is that right? Justified? Probably not, but I guess that is the price a person pays or the risk a person takes whenever he or she hooks up with a person that is a decade older than them.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think love has an age limit or there is anything wrong with dating someone that much older than you. It just seems like it brings about alot of unnecessary issues, and, usually, there are "interesting" motives by 1 party or the other.

Don't take this the wrong way, I am not suggesting that you should leave your man or anything like that. You know where your heart is; what will make you happy; and you are the one that has to live with your decisions.......but....

You are only 25 years old. You don't have any kids. You are young. You obviously like to have a good time, want to make your own decisions, do what you want to make you happy, etc. Why is it necessary to be shacked up? You know, it doesn't make you a bad person if you would rather date a dude that doesn't have kids. If you enjoy pounding wine late at night, why not date someone that will either accept it or join in with you?

Do you have close friends that are your own age? Do you have close female friends? How do your parents accept your older man? his kids?

I wish you the best.

Honestly, I don't really understand why anyone would want to hook up with someone so much older with kids. Your post just reinforces what I figured.

I wish someone would post as to why women do this so often.

Answer 2

My husband acts the same way some times! You have to think about whether he is just concerned and truly is worried for you..?
Or do you think he is just an ***, and likes to see you frustrated and miserable...? Some men are jerks, and like to control their women. Others are just caring concerned partners.
Instead of getting mad, and telling him off. Or whatever you do..? Try sitting him down and talking to him, or write him a letter. Whatever you think will better get his attention..? Let him know that you love him, and that you really appreciate his concerns for you. Although him acting like this, just pushes you away. You need for him to be your husband, not your daddy. You are hurting everything by what you are doing. It would help the relationship alot if he would just relax a bit.
Then every time a day goes by that he doesn't nit pick what you are doing that day, and treats you the way you want him to. Make sure to acknowledge how he acts, and tell him you love and appreciate his support. Thank him for not judging, and for just being there. He will like your reaction and will hopefully stop bitching so much. Good luck hun...:)

Answer 3

First of all I think if you are asking this question you mostlikely know your own answer. You sound beyond frustrated. It appears that you are analyzing every aspect of your relationship and counting points for each side. If you have come to the point that you are even frustrated with spending time with him and his child and it angers you, you need to take a break. He is not your parent and has to respect. Being put into a situation where you feel this way and staying with it will not stop unless you put a stop to it. The only two hands that can hold you down are your own. Thus the power is yours always.

Answer 4

Sure sounds like he is trying to be controling. Though you have a bit of aa age gab too-26 still young and carefree and 34 midlife and ready to settle down.

Saddly, there is not much you can do. If he treats you like a kid now, he always will...that's not something that can be changed in a person. So your left with the choice of just living with it or leaving.

Answer 5

At your age you should be able to live your life and take care of yourself. Tell him what you just told us. He needs to know how you feel. If he doesn't understand and give you some slack then you should move out or if it is your place the he needs to go.

Answer 6

hey there..well frustration is fair.. you are not a kid very right.just cos he is older... don't mean that he can do that to you.I'd say tell him that you need your own time.. to have a lass of wine...when U WANT OT NEED it...that time might not be the best time for him.. but..that is how it is.Don't let him do this to you girl.Good Luck..hope you work some thing out.

Answer 7

control from him is a codependent trait and can get worse .. codependent is a child who grows up to control have addictions enables people to their habits or a caretaker.. they come from a dysfunctional family and or he has insecurities.. have you heard of the Dorothy Stratten story? or the Burning Bed? i suggest you rent it and watch it..it only gets worse~!

Answer 8

i think that he just likes to be in control of everything around him. he likes to know whats happening next. he just thinks that he can control what you do