Why do people seek pity instead of a solution?

Question

It strikes me as very odd the way many people act. Especially among stereotypical 'emo kids' (they do exist, even if it is a stereotype), people tend to try and get people to pity them more than to actively seek a solution to their problem. Have no money? Whine about it instead of getting a job. Punished in school? Whine about the teacher instead of actually accepting your action as wrong. Depressed? Try and get people to sympathize rather than to pursue things which alter their condition or make them happy.

It's a very odd trend, and is contrary to rationality.

Answer 1

Solutions require responsibility.

Answer 2

Sometimes, my dear, there is no solution, and pity is all some have left.

One very big problem I observe is that little children are constantly stopped from taking the initiative, testing out their solutions, or even voicing their suggestions. Lots of people learn (incorrectly) as children that they aren't supposed to think for themselves. In addition, more and more children are being raised in institutions. When a child isn't raised by a nearly constantly available mother, a child spends a lot of time longing for mommy and not getting her. The child learns, very early in life, that what he wants and what he struggles for (in all the ways a baby can struggle), he cannot have. This is a powerful and terrible lesson more and more babies are learning. Their needs and wants don't count and they lack the power to change that.

Even those not ruined by day care may find it is 'easier' in the short run to whine and complain than to act. Acting may move you beyond your social group if they are whiners, not doers, too. Taking action may present you with more challenges. Taking action takes you away from your comfortable place or comfortable behaviors. However, the toll on your self-esteem that comes from whining and not acting creates a terrible cycle in which you lose the belief, if you ever had it, that you are capable of solving your own problems.

Answer 3

I think that observers of this behavior are partially blind to those that are self motivating and problem solvers. Simply put it is because the whiners are the squeaky wheel. Let's say you do not grease this squeaky wheel. You are on a cart with four wheels and one of them squeaks. An observer will rarely praise the non-squeaky wheels for not squeaking. Instead, our hero will dwell on the squeaky wheel and it will eventually get the grease.

Now a wheel is very different from a person. If you withhold grease from a squeaky wheel it may indeed fail mechanically. Try withholding whatever has been reinforcing the behavior of the whiner. Perhaps it is the attention they get from whining but it could be something very different.

If there has been an up-tick in squeaky wheels it probably started in the 1980's, which at that time was called the "me" generation.

Good luck and thank you for the question.

Answer 4

We are in an age where personal responsibility is not the norm for there are always 'other'reasons for our bad choices,irresponsible behaviours and over indulgence. It actually began years bach when genes were being blamed for just about everything. Overweight or alcoholic or drug user certainly not my fault-its in my genes for just an example for in reality to havae a family history makes us susceptible than someone who doesn't but not a surety for thers still choice and doing or not doing. Being punished in school is usually because the child made a choice that ould bring this consequence but I find in this matter its the parents who more likely the first few times the kid got into trouble instead of searching for the cause and consequenting the child according to the deed-made excuses and went along with the child-the teacher doesn't like me,picks on me and so on. We're also in an age where all actions are psychoanalyzed but life is not continuous therapy . Children need to learn that every actions will be followed with a reaction and which reactions depends on the initial choice made. To some degree I think you are generalizing too broadly for there is real poverty here in the USA where people want to work and want to earn a honest living to support their family but the opportunity simply isn't there and some may whine but to a large degree most will search for any employment to put food on the table. There are also those who are chronic complainers, those who lack a joyful spirit and always sem to look on the dark side-well I'd be depressed too but there is very real depression that comes from an unbalance of the chemistry of the brain and until that imbalance is corrected with medication that person will be depressed. But in general we need good old fashioned parenting, less psychoanalyzing but being held responsible for our actions for no matter how horrendous are upbringing or abusive there is always a choice that has to be made which then is followed by a natural reaction. Maturity is when we accept responsiblity for ourselves and that begins with the parents who with love descipline(Never punish) their children who then learn accountability and take that realization with them throughout their life.

Answer 5

You sound like a hard-core rational personality, much like myself. Interesting. Sticking to the facts here, I'll first point out the rather obvious fact that we are human beings, and not robots or computers.

I think people have needs, and things are going on in our culture where those needs are not always being met. We really pump ourselves and each other up with this "we must have everything now" mentality. We all want our way, and we just don't care about the other guy.

But a person needs encouragement. A person needs support; they need to be told they can do it. A person needs to be congratulated and praised for their successes. A person needs time to do things, see a reward, and then work for more.

I think in many many ways we have totally gotten away from this with some kind of "all for me, screw you" attitude. That's why all the antisocialness, road rage, anxiety, depression.

Think that through. If you spend some time thinking about all the hows and whys of that, I believe you'll see I'm right.

Answer 6

Odd trend but a very simple answer. Before one can find a solution they must first come to the basics of the problem and all too often the answer to that question is one's self. They must admit to themselves that they infact are the heart of the problem and nobody likes to admit that they are wrong. Laziness would be the answer to a lot of those questions but variables could go on forever.

Answer 7

Its so much easier to whine about it and hope someone will "fix" it for you than to put out effort on ones own. We are a society of instant gratification . Everything now,so why not grow up knowing you don't need to solve your own problems ,because there is always someone out there to put a "name' on the problem and then do a "study" about it,while you wait for a magic pill. I have no patience with pity pot setting,do nothing people.

Answer 8

Couldn't agree more & personally I am getting very tired of this trend.

Unfortunately, it isn't just kids. I meet adults everyday who have screwed up their lives so terribly but, they feel it is everyone or someone else's fault. Some of these situations are so obivious that you don't need to be a fortune teller to see the outcome of the behavior. You just want to say, "How did this ever seem like a good idea?"

I truly don't know why, but it troubles me.

Answer 9

Heh... rationality has nothing to do with it. Laziness is more like it; it takes less effort to complain about something than it takes to get up and do something about it. Also, misery loves company, and getting people to commiserate with you about your lot in life reinforces the behavior -- the more people shake their heads and say, "I know what you mean. It sucks, but what can you do?" the more you do it. Self motivation and ambition take a lot more work, and people don't always relate to it, so you're kinda on your own -- when was the last time you heard someone called "upwardly mobile" in a purely positive way?

Answer 10

As Bono's personal bug-goggles, I can tell you all about the political power of pity. Real solutions are hard and people don't like to do things that are difficult. People usually prefer the path of least resistance and allow other people to solve their problems for them.

Asking people to take responsibility for their own problems, roll up their own sleeves and fix it, is: Racism, Mean-spirited, Unkind, Stupid, and on and on, you get the picture.

Check out my Blog about my life as Bono's bug-goggles.

Answer 11

What you talk about is a common malady amongst most American kids. Maybe it's a universal phenom as well. But I do believe it is part of growing up. Most realize after a while that there isn't anyone that is going to do their thinking for them. It eventually becomes a do or don't world..