Why is it that -- every time I have ignored my own problems to help someone less fortunate, I end up hurt?

Question

While not well off at all, I have tried to help several families by letting them live in my rental house , not located in the same town as I. They agree to every thing, every time, low rent, no deposit etc --
All 3 families have screwed me to the point I'm nearly in foreclosure. Any advice - ? I feel now I dont want to help anyone ever, ever again.

Answer 1

Bless you for wanting to try.

Helping people is not easy. It costs time and energy, and sometimes you get hurt.

(Talk to a therapist and they'll tell you how often they get burned out from trying to help people who don't want to be helped or aren't willing to ultimately help themselves. Talk to a pastor -- another profession of high burn-out, partly because people either take advantage of their kindness or don't want to make the necessary changes to live healthier lives... And so on.)

You have to accept, for one, that helping people already in the bad financial position they are in is a major risk for you. Their state is probably part bad luck, and part lack of commitment/responsibility... and so there's a good chance that, without teaching them any responsible behaviors, just paying their way for them will result in them failing to follow through again.

It's amazing how many people do not know how to manage their money. Generally speaking, our culture runs on debt. So it's partly a lack of knowledge, and partly a lack of desire to keep stable.

It's a hard situation, when you truly want to help and give to others. The lack of "good faith" stipulations in your agreement also make you carry all the risk and do not give them an incentive to be responsible -- low rent, no deposit to lose, and so on. They are so used to relocating that it's better for them just to live in your house as long as they can before you vacate them, then move on to the next place -- they have no intention of staying long-term, nor are they used to staying somewhere long term.

(I've seen it before. Some people live a life where they move every six months, from house to house. Thus they never have to keep up with long-term commitments.)

If I were in your shoes, I would probably save my property for someone I meet personally who I know is down on their luck, rather than partly irresponsible.... i.e., screen as best as you can for those who really just got dumped on and need a boost back on their feet and have the desire to get back up again.

Part of the problem is that you are trying to help people who aren't really interested in being helped -- they simply want to use you as long as they can (purposefully or not) until you boot them.

Answer 2

That's a complicated question. What was your motivation tohelp? When you give, ultimately it should be with no strings, no expectation of being repaid. However there is lots of evidence that suggests that many people give or assist for other reasons. They may be guilty and wish to make amends by helping others. But without addressing the original issue it is frequently unsatisfying. Perhaps placing your mortgage in jeopardy is not the the way to do your atruistic service. If you use others to divert your attention from your "problems" the "problems" won't go away. in this case you end with problems that spread over contexts from personal to financial. Clean your own house and look for opportunities to give of yourself in a way that rquires nothing in return.

Answer 3

It seems to me you are offering help in a form you cannot afford and putting yourself at extreme financial risk in the process. Since you need the rent income to meet the mortgage payments on the house, you can't afford to let ANYONE live there rent free, whether they are needy or not.

Instead, consider being generous with some other type of resource...your time and your skills. And since you don't seem to trust your own judgment about who deserves your help, work through local organizations that do the screening for you.

Here are a few ideas. Instead of giving someone your rental property, consider working with your local Habitat for Humanity to make affordable housing for deserving families. Or if you like to knit or crochet, work with those who make hats and blankets for newborn babies in your local hospital. Like to cook? Ask your local food bank or Hospice Center what homemade foods they can accept for their clients. Have a car and the money for gas? Then volunteer with Meals on Wheels in your community.

By all means, don't shut your heart to the needs of others, but be sure you care for YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY FIRST so you are healthy and secure enough to be of real help to others.

Best of luck. - Cindy

Answer 4

Being a good person in wonderful..but incompatible with business moreover when you are not in conditions to have a foundation that may cover certain ingratitude.
Otherwise, just because in your case things went wrong, it does not mean that you should close up yourself and never help someone who needs.
Be wise, learn from your mistakes but do not change. It would be a pity that in this selfish world somebody with a generous heart closes up having so much to give...to other people who would certainly appreciate what you do for them.
Good luck, open your eyes and chear up

Answer 5

problem is, many a lot less fortunate are lazy bums. even as i imagine of a lot less fortunate, i imagine of elderly and mentally/bodily handicap. They deserve help/care. no longer a 24 guy with sagging pants and no interest, crying about how the guy retains him down. Or a lady with 4 children at 23 by employing 3 distinct dads. many of the “a lot less fortunate” made their undesirable alternatives.

Answer 6

Yeah, don't let anyone else move into your rental unless they've got good credit, etc.! There's being good and being a chump. Don't let people take advantage of you.

Answer 7

Perhaps it is time to think of yourself for a change, there is nothing wrong with that at all. You should be the most important person in your life.

Answer 8

There is a song for this by Papa Roach called "Scars" go and listen to it or better yet watch the video at Yahoomusic.

Answer 9

dont put yourself out too far to help others unless there is someway you can make sure that it will happen.

you know how the saying goes: you can't help others unless you first help yourself.

good for you for trying to help, I'm sorry those 3 families took you for granted.

Answer 10

One advice, don't do business with family, they always thinks you have to help them, because they are family. And you never remember what they have done for you?!!!!