How does one achieve self-confidence if they weren't supported as a child?

Question

If a child with an inattentive mother and an absent father rarely, if ever, received support and encouragement, then how does the child, now an adult, find the courage and self-confidence to be a healthy and well-adjusted part of society? I'd like to hear more than, "See a therapist," or "Just do it," or similar answers. Thanks for your input.

Answer 1

make lists of things to do with deadline, and beat the deadlines

set goals and achieve them

bloom where you are planted.

start work on time and do your job while there

don't do someone else's job, and don't dump yours on someone else

quit work on time unless you're getting paid overtime (don't sell yourself for free), and don't take work home. don't take your home to work either.

work hard, play hard, and don't confuse the two.

keep building your character and credit rating

pay all your bills before they are due, and don't spend your hard earned money on every thing you fancy at the moment.

make friends with people who are wise, better, smarter, and stronger than you are -- learn from them, and shine your light too.

become the hero of your life rather than settle as a helpless victum of your circumstances.

Answer 2

The very fact that you are aware that you can means that you are well on your way.

Even if you don't want to hear it, a therapist would be the easiest and fastest way to do it. Sorry.

But there are certainly things that can help. I know from experience.

Surround yourself with positive people.

No whining!

Make lists of things like blessings, things you've done to help others, positive attributes that you admire in others and can see in yourself. Add to them.

Try to dwell on what's good in you and the world, and, unless you are fixing it, simply note the bad things, then force yourself to focus on the good.

Reward yourself, either with a gift, a nice time, or many mental pats on the back, when you do something to be proud of. Then put it on your ever-growing list.

If someone around you makes you doubt your self-worth (except you, of course), try to minimize or eliminate contact with them. Sadly, this may include family.

If you've done something you're ashamed of, make it right where you can (without hurting others), figure out why you did it, then write on your list that you are proud for not falling apart, but improving your attitude. (Gee, that list is getting long!) Now try to forget the shame.

Honestly, I believe that if you behave as if you feel good about yourself, you become what you want to be. So behave as a self-confident, whole, well-adjusted part of society, and you will be. Fake it 'til you make it.

Answer 3

That is why i have always believed that people should have a licence to have children. And it's a vicious cycle because people who had parents like that tend to become the same type of parents to their children.

Now to your question of How. Well, even though one may have a bad set of parents, one is an individual who is capable of thinking and making choices. But because you were never exposed to such choices or were never given a chance to, it's time to discover it yourself. There is NO ANSWER from another person because the answer is in yourself. You are a born champion even though you had failed parents. To achieve self confidence and courage is a self discovery process. You never try, you'll never know. Encouragement and support are merely catalysts and extras... It's nice to have some but you don't need it to become a healthy and well adjusted person.

Answer 4

I developed survival skills as a child because I had to, and still use them today. I have a job at which I am very good. I am well-read because I chose to be, and in being well-read, I learned much about the state of being. This gave me courage, serenity, strength, failures, wisdom, and the ability to let things pass by, and why a pencil comes with an eraser. Yet there are no do-overs in my life, so I enjoy what I have, and what I share. Who's to say what really is well-adjusted? Or, normal?

Answer 5

Actually, some people are just FORTUNATE and are more resiliant than others. They can survive what others can't and come out without a lot of the baggage that would scar you and me. My mother wasn't inattentive, she lost us in the divorce and my father sexually abused me and physically abused me. It was only thru the help of my lover who had the strength I'd never seen in another human being, that I learned I was actually a person worthy of Love, just as good as anyone else. In fact, he taught me that I had a great heart, was accepting of others and non-judgemental. That I could care and respond to emotion without feeling betrayed when someone else let me down, such as friends (which I was always afraid of, having been betrayed before).

What these people need are examples and family members who will show them on a consistant basis that life is more than what has happened to them. Only over time can they gain trust in themselves and life and others.

While I totally love life today and am so, so glad to be alive and think I'm a great person with alot to offer, I still have to take 4 different medications daily to "get along." So please don't expect miracles.

Answer 6

Here is a plan of what to do..

1) Become aware that you did not recieve sufficient positive parenting

2) Find out exactly what kind of parenting you needed.

3) Give yourself that parenting.

4) Let go of the fact you were poorly parented and move on.


Ways you can parent yourself is to do things like:
a) take some personal development courses that focus on building up self esteem, self respect, and positive thinking.
b) read up on how a positve parent encourages their child then apply this to yourself.
c) get yourself a really good counsellor and determin up front how long you will work with them and what it is you want to achieve, then stick to it.
d) congratulate yourself on successes, celebrate all your triumphs, give yourself good advice
e) make yourself a little book of good advice and then write in it some positve quotes, happy thoughts, problem solving tips, and proverbs from a range of cultures.

I know this works because it was what I had to do.

Answer 7

By being in situations where they interact with other people. Finding a hobby club, a church group, doing volunteer work - those can all be good places to interact with people in a reasonably healthy setting. Make friends and ask for honest input.

The main thing is time, even if you actively work at it, it will just take time - but it will it will take forever to just drop out of the sky, with no action.

The good news is there are two ways to learn to love - being loved and not being loved. Being loved as a child is the easy way but not being loved makes you cherish the love you find in others and the love you grow in yourself all the more.

Answer 8

What a questoin! I can relate to your situation. I had been in and led adult children of alcoholics groups for 3 years, stopping about 4 years back. I heard many stories and saw many tears. I am STILL dealing with the stuff in your question at age 40. (feel free to email me, leave yours in my private email and we'll chat if you like). How old are you? If you are in IL, w could even meet. I have been to many therapists. I found selp in self-help books (got sick of those), got insights to my situation in counseling, got an understanding that there are other people who feel the same way from different houses. I mean one time in a self-help group, someone asked me "what room were you in?" I thought the guy was an idiot interrupting until he explained that he had the same feelings but different house. So I knew I was still not fitting in anywhere, but these people thought I was normal. So you're normal in the outcast crowd? Is that a good thing?
The first book I read that helped was John Bradshaw Focus on the Family. It helps you identify roles in families and clarified things for me a bit.
I'll tell you, i have a battle with this stuff every day I leave the house. I was also diagnosed with depression, which is common among people from abusive situations. I hear you, you were apparently not abused, BUT leaving a child with NO emotional support, is "abandonment (emotional)" and is a form of abuse. I know its neglect and your parents probably didn't even know they were doing it, but it left you with a HUGE burden.
I said I could relate: I am still battling this, and I think it will be your cross to carry all your life. low self-esteem, I felt I had no RIGHT to be alive, and was in everybody's way, I have little confidence in my abilities, still put myself down in public and don't know till its pointed out to me, and no "spirit" or self-concept. I suspect this hits home with you. Plus, drinking is an on/off thing still as far as self-destructive behaviors.
I am glad to see yo uare dealing with or at least admit the problem!! Honestly, I think you will fit in whereever you go, but you wil never feel like you do.
People who would say "see a therapist," would be saying it is really hard to be left on your own and get confidence and courage easily. If you don't believe in therapy, maybe getting good at something could help your confidence, BUT you are dealing with self esteem, self-worth. I am not trying to discourage you by saying this, but if you want to get confience, it is a hard road because there are things you need to believe about yourself and look at what you believe now, and dig for a reason you believe it. Ask yourslef is there any PROOF that I am ugly, will screw this up, can't do it, am unable to look someone in the eyes.
If you ever get somenoe who says "just do it," shoot him and walk away. You will have done the world a favor. I am told I drink because I want to escape. That is true but also because at times, I feel I am a piece of crap and just don't really care.
Again, write me and give me a way to contact you, and if you want, we can talk. I am not a professional but like helping people when I can.

Answer 9

Apply yourself to some accomplishment, be it a hobby, sport, or job, and master it. Outward Bound is also a good place.

By mastering something you will become more sure of yourself, but you must do it for your own satisfaction, not for recognition by others. I don't know why it works, it is hard work, but it works.

Read "Zen in the Art of Archery" by Eugen Herrigel (it is the original "Zen in the Art of..." book all others fed off it). I am not saying read it as a religious text, but to understand what mastering something can do for you.

Answer 10

Everyone has a place in the Universe. Find your place and go with it! You have a right to be here and to recreate yourself. Finally, find the courage and self-confidence you need by not blaming your parents. It's up to you from this point on.