Guys, this is for you: your wife suggests you separate, what is it you want/ do not want to hear?

Question

I am very seriously thinking of separating from my husband. History long to sumarize. We both care for each other but live like brother and sister. We have two children (12 and 9). We have a very unbalanced financial situation (most assets under his name). He is extremely busy with work, so no time to waste on personal issues. Been together 20 years. Sex life quite miserable. We both know what fatal attraction love means (but we did not live it together - I mean, I was attracted to him, but him not to me). He has lots of qualities but, like anybody, not easy to live with. In his case: tensed, cold, rigid, "emotionally handicaped" (? :-) ).
If you were that guy, but also just being a man, what is it you want to hear, not hear, when your wife suggests separation is the best way forward?
(U need to know he suggested separation 4 months ago, but I refused, still hoping we can make this work. In the meanwhile his mid-life-crisis affair ended and he has not taken any clear line). IDs? Tks

We have tried marriage councelling 13 years ago. He said it did not help. I disagree and suggested 6 months ago that we try again but he refused. I intend to explain that we should keep doing what we are good at (raising the kids, managing projects, organising a pleasant life etc) and officially regain freedom in our personal lifes. I intend to give him as much access as possible to the children and ask for his financial support, short and long term. I want to discuss practical things (transition phase, selling house, flats search, return to part time work, councellor, activities that could still be done as a family unit etc). Any good??
This is probably, as someone said, what he would dread to hear. On the other side his main messages over the last 10 months have been "I am having an affair, I am leaving you, she is pregnant". No word of the rest (baby gone, him dumped etc). Can I reasonably expect him to understand that I am now making plans to separate and stay good parents? M. Tks

Now he is acting friendly... That could make my life more difficult in some ways. Or easier to start a serious conversation...?
Can somebody who is not used to the concept of 50/50 split (cultural issue) be ready to be really supportive financially, in "exchange" for true access to the children?
Do you start first by stating your idea to separate, and suggest second to "talk again" about more details etc, in order for the shock to be absorbed in between??

Answer 1

I am in a similar situation and can well empathise with yours.

However in my case, we have a daughter of 13years whom she claims was borm of her b.f

She behaves atrociously and is ABUSIVE of me at all times and particularly in the presence of the kid.

As the place in which we live belongs to my family [ my sibblings], she refuses to move out as i am not in a position to move out myself to protect the family property.

Now, i feel trapped between the proverbial DEVIL & THE DEEP SEA! Neither can i walk out on her nor let go off my obligations to my sibblings. Recieving KICKS from both ends is excruciatingly and absymally painful and miserable.

In case, you have the wherewithals, WALK OUT ON HIM along with the kids madam.

With earnest wishes for a REWARDING LIBERATIONS from the KNOTTY knots of marital miseries.

Answer 2

The best way to start the separation is for both of you to sit down with your children and explain to them that you are going to separate. They are old enough to understand and are most likely aware of the problems no matter how you try to hide them. Since you have been together 20 years, you should keep the house until the children are on their own, then sell and split the profit. He should pay alimony and child support, but you should still get a job, or volunteer any where to keep your mind busy with other things. It seems that he has already moved on by starting another family. He apparently does not work as much as he says if he has time for an affair. You do not say whether there is any abuse, but by what you have written, there seems to be mental abuse. Is he emotionally handicapped with the children also? Ask him to leave, since you still care about him, try a six month trial separation. You will know in that time period if you should file for divorce. I have three children, after my divorce we were all happier. Good luck, no matter what you decide.

Answer 3

I'm/was in a similar situation-I've since parted ways with my husband with ancillary matters pending, but before I did. I contacted a lawyer to find out my rights and found I had none when it property wise because everything was in his name. However he was abusive, so I go full custody of my kids and is not pursuing financial support and part payment for the house we spent 6 yrs together in.

I know for a fact most guys don't wanna hear that their wife had an affair, which is what I told my hubby just to hurt him the way he hurt me. I even had a college friend of mine pose as the other man-though I didn't have an affair it was sweet revenge!!! They don't wanna hear u askin them for any large amount of money either. or that u refuse to share custody of the kids.

Divorce isn't easy and there are no laws to protect wives, unless u go into the marriage with some agreement or with ur eyes wide open. I don't care how sweet it is, it's not always like those Hollywood marriages where the wife walks aways with millions of $$$, a house in Hampton or Malibu. Ladies men are smart-they will often put everything in their names or their mother's name......

Think before u take dat plunge into marriage and if there are kids involved-think of ur kids. Do u want some other woman raising them and enjoying the fruits of ur labour-after all u were the one being kept up late at nite until he got home safe-makin him dinner-hhelpin maintain the house........etc. If ur serious bout leavin ur husband, find urself a good lawyer, lay ur cards out, start transferring money if u have a joint account and forget u were even married to this guy.

Answer 4

As complex as this affair is, I suspect there are MANY more similar ones out there.

It's about the kids, it's always about the kids...and it should be about the kids.

The problem is...the kids grow up and they in turn do the same things.

So it becomes a never ending cycle which never stops...

...rendering society itself as a disgrace.

At some point, somebody has to come along and say...

You took vows. You have kids. Where's the committment?

Allright, go ahead, follow the lead of the Hollywood misfits.

It's okay.

Hey, it's good for the lawyers!

(When the dust was settled with my divorce, the score was 4 to 3)

I paid for most of the lawyers. (like an idiot) One lawyer quit when I wrote to the Bar Association.

And now I keep paying for the kids who finally grew up.

I'm the exception, the other dads took off for Zanzabar or the Fiji Islands.

Answer 5

This is what most guys dread to hear period. But since he first suggested it and now you are comtemplating the same thing, he will probably excited over it. Just tell him you thought about what he said awhile back and have come to the conclusion it might be best for all involved and then ask him on how he would like to proceed. Since this is a mutual solution, part as friends especially since there are kids involved and work things out without an attorney, to save costs and the courts love an uncontested and mutually agreed upon divorce, makes their life so much better. I wish you both good luck in the future and God Bless

Answer 6

Just been reading your profile, Interesting isn't it?
One thing I wouldn't want to hear is that you have been shopping around the Internet looking for another guy!!
One of your other questions was about your children!
It's a complete mess isn't it??
20 years and you cant sit down and talk to each other??
Reading between the lines I think you want to 'hang on in there'?
If you are now living like Brother and Sister why not continue like that, for the sake of the kids. Do your own things outside of the family home and try to work it along those lines. Otherwise you have a lot to think about, who has the kids! where do you live! I don't see any other way out.
But whatever, good luck to you all, esp the kids!

Answer 7

Start thinking of yourself - as - yourself - not as his wife, or the mother of his children - or the mother of your children. Look in the mirror and say "Hello ____" whatever your name is.

Look yourself in the eyes, and tell yourself that you have the rest of your life to plan - what do you want for yourself?

Obviously your children seriously come into that equation but they will grow up and leave don't for goodness sake regard them as a bargaining tool if you do they will only resent it later.

You are the author of your own destiny, you may have quite a responsible man to deal with - after all he is still hanging around despite his "mid-life crisis affair" you do have 2 children to care for.

If you love him, you will look at yourself and decide what it is you want from life, you say he works long hours, and you have been married for 20 years - the gilt wears off the gingerbread and passion gives way to a comfortable understanding.

He may suddenly start finding you exciting and interesting if you start taking an interest in yourself, and developing your own interests. There is nothing better than a mature woman who has interesting things to say in the evening, rather than just harping on about the local domestic issues.

P.S. I am not a fella - but I did spend quite some time councelling people with marital problems, and have been married to the same fella for **** years

Answer 8

Grow up and get a hold of your relationship.
You need to find the right counselor, and he needs to go.
For all the time and energy your about to spend on divorce, might as well put half of that into saving your marriage.

Or were those marriage vows and all the stuff about committment just lies?

When you decided to get married and have children together- did you think that you'd still be in love like two teenagers after 20 years? This IS life. Learn to help each other grow.

Answer 9

HE is a control person through his actions it is called a blindside love,he is very insensitive to you you are not his equal, you are a convenience to him, if the attraction wasn't there for both of you at the beginning that should of been a big warning sign for you 20 yrs. ago, so why did you ignore the sign then? now you have 2 children, and you are getting tired of the convenience of life,you know you both have sent the wrong message to your kids, now they think what both of you have displayed through life is what LOVE is in there mind,get some serious counseling for ALL of you including the children, if he is not agreeing with it, GET OUT take him for everything you can get start a new life, you have a good case CHANGE the situation,you will never change him he is what he is,

Answer 10

Before I talked to him about separation, I would get a job... start phasing yourself out. You should be financially ready for any type of reaction that he has. You shouldn't be asking how to tell him, you should be asking what you need to do to get yourself ready... you aren't even working now.. how can you think of leaving without any income. Get YOUR part straight... and then telling him won't be hard.. it would be more like... "hey I have done a lot of thinking, and have found solutions to any problems that could arise from us separating, because that's what I want, is to separate, here is a list." You never know, if you go and make yourself all independent again.. he might be attracted to you again.... work on yourself first.

Answer 11

Sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. It sounds like an awful situation.

Legally, you should know that at least in some states, the right to see children and supporting them is not connected. In other words, he could still see the kids, yet not pay a dime. These things are handled by different agencies.