What is the best way to recover from a broken marriage when the pain is so horrific. Thank you.?

Question

My husband and I have separated due to a mental condition that he has and I cannot live with and remain a Christian. Now that may sound contradictory to you, but it is the truth. There is no real relationship anymore, but I do still love him deeply and the pain is terrible. I try to keep busy, but I have so much alone time it is constantly on my mind. Would appreciate any answers from anyone who has been through this type of experience before. Thank You.

Answer 1

I feel for you. I know it is difficult. And it does not sound contradictory to me. Family is the first thing I turn to. Because they are so supportive. You said your are a christian talk with you preacher and pray for strength. Keep your self busy. Find other things to do. Please eat, never miss a meal. Do positive things and things that makes you happy. Steer clear from things that make you cry and depress.

Answer 2

When my first wife left me I thought the world was going to end. I thought it was alll over for me. I remember thinking one day "My sex life is finished." This is when I was about 22. Little did I realize that everything was just starting and the best was yet to come. At the time, though, I was in such grief I thought I was done for. I was angry at everybody and everything. Nothing mattered any more; I got hostile.

This was all before computers, so I had placed a few ads in a singles section of a classified publication. This was when I discovered that there can be a lot of different flavors of people, something I had not thought about before. I began to experience things I never thought I would and it was better I ever imagined it could be.

Now I am married again, to someone who hates me and can't stand having me around. If I get too close I get knives pointed at me. If this one were to leave I'd feel bad I suppose, for maybe a day. Sometimes I just wish she would leave; no one should have to put up with this nonsense. It should not be a crime to love someone, but with her it is. So no matter what I do sometimes it seems like I can't win. Nothing new here, but I am not all broken up about it like the first time.

You did not say what sort of mental condition it is that he has. My wife's mental condition is that she cannot stand sex and thinks it is disgusting. So depending on what it is, or what your perception is, whithout knowing it is hard to judge. I am sure my wife would say I am a sexaholic, but then she says that most married people only have sex once a month. Duh! Maybe you think your husband has a mental condition but maybe he thinks that you do. This is called incompatibility.

There should be a penalty or some self-enforced action that one can take when a spouse does not live up to the "love, honor and obey" part of the marriage vows. If I say "fetch!" and she refuses to fetch, I should have a recourse for her failure to obey. As it is now, it is pretty empty wording.

The closer you are to something the bigger it seems. As you move off from it then it seems smaller and less significant, until eventually it is very small on your horizon. This situation with your husband may loom pretty big right now but there is a whole new world out there, and as you move back other things will creep into your field of view and this one thing that consumes you now will soom less horrific. You just need a different perspective, and that will come with time. It was all over for me once, and the thing I discovered finally was that not ony was it not over, it had only just begun.

Answer 3

I went through a divorce after 17 years of marriage and even though it was an amicable divorce (no fighting or arguing or dirty laundry), the pain was just awful and it lasted a long time. The first year of separation is still a blur in my head. What helped me a lot through the emotional roller coaster were the people on a website called "divorcesource.com". I don't know what the quality of that site is these days, but at the time there were some really nice and supportive people there who experienced the same thing. My recommendation is to look for support groups with people who know what you're going through.
Back then, someone said to me that time heals and while it was no comfort at the time, now, 6 years later, I can tell you that it is true. Time does heal.
There's little you can do to make the pain go away. Activities help temporarily, but it hits you like a bolt of lightning when you least expect it. All that is normal. I used to dream about my ex for weeks. It was awful.
Please take care not to jump into a new relationship until you truly get your head on straight. There are people out there who will spot a new divorcee and take advantage of the emotional vulnerability and leave you worse off. It hasn't happened to me, but I learnt that mostly from other women.
If you can, try to look at this as a time of renewal and change. Look at the positives life has to offer and maybe take this opportunity to do something that you always wanted to do, but never had the guts to do. You'll be surprised what you discover. I went traveling, tried out new sports and activities and in the course met a whole lot of interesting people.
You'll be alright, trust me. Just be patient and accept what you're going through as a normal grieving process. It IS hard, but you will get through it.
Take care.

Answer 4

Is his mental condition being treated? If so maybe he's being mistreated - (wrong medication). If he was mentally stable would you be together? If the answer is yes get him professionally help as hard as that may be. If he is not able or willing to seek help you need to occupy yourself with other friends, work, hobbies. Too much alone time gets your mind racing and thinking of your husband. If it's over make a clean break, do things differently then you did while together. Unfortunately the only real healer of this pain is the passing of time. Do your best to find something or someone to occupy your time. You mentioned your Christian faith.. go to church, join the church groups that are available, meet new people, etc.

Answer 5

What kind of mental condition? Is it treatable? If it is why have you left? Are you sure what your feeling isn't quilt? Caring for or dealing with a love one with a mental condition like Alzheimer's or some form of dementia is very stressful to say the lease. Or if it;s a matter of a manic depressant, bipolar, he must not have had the illness when you married him so how can his mental illness not allow you to live with him and remain a Christian? I he had cancer or was paralyzed from the neck down and couldn't even talk would you take care of him then? I think if your worried about remaining a Christian, and you say you Love him so much that instead of trying to find ways to recover from the pain of leaving him why don;t you spend some time trying to find ways of dealing with his illness. Pray to God to give you the strength that is needed to see your husband threw this. Love is powerful and can help in the healing process. I'm not saying wrap your whole existence around your husband by all means don't! Get help! Make time for yourself on a regular basis. Above all be honest to your husband . yourself, your religion and if you find the pain is guilt then forgive yourself for not having the Love to deal with your husband illness and go on. Forgive yourself and the pain will be easier to handle and faster it will go away.After all we are only human. To each their own to what each of us can handle!

Answer 6

What starts out to be what we feel is the best thing that ever happened to us can, and often does, go bad. Marriage is a very difficult minefield to navigate.

There is no quick fix for where you are. Only time will heal you.
But the more you keep yourself busy with tasks that require a bit of dedication on your part will help.

You are a christian. There are always ways to becoming involved in your church. Find them and do them. As you begin to meet other people you will find you can begin to share your pain and it will become much better.

No easy way but you can get there a day at a time. Trust me I know. My wife cheated on me after 37 years of marrage. I got through that and am married again.

You can do this.

Answer 7

Hi Carolyns40,

My husband has been sick for about 3 1/2 years now. He's got vision problems. No doctor can help him. It is VERY tough on my daughter and I because it hurts to see him in pain all the time. Financially speaking we are in the red zone for he's only been working part time. I always think of leaving him to find a better mate that could actually help me achieve a better life-style but I stop myself from doing it because he's always been there for me and I would feel miserable to just leave him when he's the most vulnerable. So I take it one day at a time and pray for the best. I am not telling you to go back to your husband but SACRIFICE is a key-word in a marriage. It's not easy to live with a man who's not sick so imagine how it feels to live with one who is ! If you cannot be with him for the moment at least don't feel bad about your decision. My mom always told me that if you doubt one of your decisions in life or if you regret it well maybe it's because you haven't thought it through. Pause, rewind, think and then make sure you can live with the consequences of your acts. Good luck. Hope I've been of any help to you.

Answer 8

You need to surround yourself with activities that gets you out of the house and with people. The first couple months is always the hardest. I know that part of what you are feeling is guilt because you left him in this condition. Just remember you did what you could and if he could not help himself to make the marriage better you should not have any guilt. Easier said than done but the guilt does fade and so will the pain. My ex was hit by a car and had some brain trauma, he would not take his meds, would not do as the doctors ordered him to and began to drink again. For 15 months my children and I lived in hell because of his decisions. Remember to forgive yourself and things will get easier...I promise. Good luck to you.

Answer 9

wow! i had no idea there were this many situations similar to mine. my wife has filed for divorce after 25yrs together.
I had an accident 5yrs ago that left me with chronic pain. I had to retire early and now receive SS disability and a pension. It has taken me a long time to be able to function normal with all the meds I have to take. I admit during this period I have been angry, depressed, and hard to live with in general. my wife had to also adjust to me being there all the time. even though she works full time she felt she never had any alone time.
our marriage wasn't perfect before but I thought we were for the most part happy. we raised two children and were looking forward to retirement and grandchildren.
so now I live alone, have no close family and no friends around. I can get around on my own, drive, short walks and take care of my apt. I also have days that I can't get out of bed.
although I want her to be happy and will not contest our divorce in any way, I still can't believe she is doing this. at my age (50s) and my condition I don't see much of a future.
sorry, I guess I didn't answer your question.
good luck to you, I wish you the best.

Answer 10

Just realise that you offer the best in you to some one and received nothing in return, And i believe that you are optimistic and sensible to take opinion from other people about your heterogeneous problem. No one can break your confidence and believe yourself is that the happened is for something good. The sea is full of fishes and no fisherman will not cry after losing a single fish, try to find any Good guys and start ur new life, all the best.