Is there any good reason to stay in a loveless marriage?

Question

NO CHILDREN IS INVOLVED

Answer 1

Yes....to give it time to turn around.

Love ebbs and flows during marriage. It's natural, as we get irritated and annoyed with our spouses, all their little habits, their unwillingness to change, bend or compromise. But then you see something one day, and this little spark hits you, and you remember why you married that person in the first place.

I've been married 16 years (to the same man! lol) and there have been two distinct periods in our marriage where I honestly could say I no longer felt love for my husband. It was gone. Kaput! I wanted out, but I knew I just couldn't go through with divorce.

During the first bad period, I sat down with a sheet of paper. I drew a line down the middle, vertically. On one side, I listed all the things that made me fall in love with my husband and all the reasons I married him. It was a tough exercise because I really was hating him quite a bit at the time. But I forced myself to recall all the good things we had had over the course of our relationship.

On the other side of the page, I wrote down all the things that annoyed, irritated, angered and hurt me. This was an easier side to record. lol But I discovered something very interesting. The good side outweighed the bad side by 4 to 1. I had tangible proof that my marriage was better than I *felt* it was. The next thing I did was ripped the paper in half...straight down the middle, between the two lists. Then I burned the bad side...just threw it into the fireplace and ignited it. It was a symbolic gesture that reinforced my intention to stay married "for better or for worse."

Back to you... Because you are currently experiencing a loveless relationship, you feel hopeless that it can ever turn around. But the truth is it CAN! And it can be better than it was before. There's something about working through very difficult times that gives you a huge sense of pride and accomplishment, not to mention the reward of reignited love and passion.

The only time I would recommend divorce to anyone is in the case of adultery, where the offending spouse refuses to stop cheating. I would also recommend separation and possibly divorce in the case of spousal abuse or serious substance addiction. (These are things that can be overcome, and marriage is worth the effort to at least TRY to overcome these obstacles.)

Anyway, if I may suggest a few things to you:

1) Sit down and have a serious, open and honest discussion with your spouse. Tell him/her how you're feeling and why. Be very specific, but couch your terms in "I" format. "I feel that you don't care because..." "I feel like I'm being treated poorly because..." This allows you to express your feelings and thoughts without putting your spouse on the defensive.

2) Allow your spouse to reciprocate in kind.

3) Seek counseling with a licensed MFCC (Marriage Family Child Counselor). It sometimes takes an objective outsider to help both of you see areas for improvement and what contributions you both make to the problems and the solutions.

4) Start taking an interest in what your spouse likes to do. Try to become involved in his/her activities. Then invite him/her to be a part of your world. Sometimes the greatest things can be discovered about each other just by becoming a part of each other's respective worlds.

5) Read Gary Smalley's "Love is a Decision" and "5 Love Languages." These books are written from a Christian perspective, just to give you a head's up. But the lessons taught within them are universal. Even if you don't believe in God, or even if you're of a different faith than Christianity, these books can still help because they address real problems and give real practical solutions. "Love is a Decision" underscores the importance of choosing to do loving things despite the lack of feeling. We can't change anyone but ourselves. It starts with "Me." "The Five Love Languages" is a great book because it details the 5 different things that communicate Love to individuals. Gift giving, words of praise, physical touch, acts of service and....dang. I can't think of the 5th one. But you get the idea. Some wives feel most loved when their husband's do things for them around the house (dishes, vacuuming, to do list, etc.) Some husbands feel most loved when their wives say things that build them up and encourage them ("honey, you're so smart," "I really appreciate this about you," etc.). These books should be read together...you and your spouse. Then you can talk about the concepts together, and start putting them into practice. It's amazing what one little change can do for you or your spouse.

6) If all else fails, if you try so hard and your spouse doesn't, then try separating for a while. Make sure to discuss your ground rules for the separation...what your expectations are, etc. But this really should be your last resort. Sometimes, a little time away from each other is what's needed to gain some perspective.

I wish you well in your marriage. I do hope you both can get beyond this loveless slump. I've been there twice before (each period lasted more than 6 months), but am ever so glad I stuck it out and worked at improving things. The rewards of getting to the other side are sweeter than I have words to explain.

God bless you.

Answer 2

The contract/commitment!

Marriage is what you both make of it. If its loveless..you need to sit down and open communication. Make it a priority to be loveable. You may find that it isnt a loveless marriage but that you had both begun to take eachother for granted and thus got stuck in a rut. Go back to the courtship phase. Write notes. Rekindle the fires that made you marry in the first place. But first you have to open and honest with your mate what you are feeling and give him the chance to work on it. He may be unaware that things are so miserable for you. Men can sometimes be that way.

Best wishes to you!
(married 20+ years)

Answer 3

I'm not married yet but hope when I am that it doesn't get to a loveless stage. Sweeping things underthe rug is never a good idea. I hope I'd be able to leave a loveless marriage but sadly it's harder than any one thinks. Even harder with kids involved. You should try counselling if you both want to make it work. It could make a significant difference.

Answer 4

Marriage means togetherness, respect, honesty, faith.Being together in good times and bad, in joy and sorrow, in health and illness. A bond for a lifetime.

Search your souls. Find out where you erred. Make up. Swallow the bitter pill that each of you created. Learn to confess and accept the others confession. Take the first step,and let the partner follow. Have the guts to do that.

Bring back the love and happiness in your marriage.

If you think parting it best, what guarentee that the next marriage will work?

Answer 5

Besides the fact that you vowed before God that you will remain husband and wife till death do you part. How about getting professinal help or seek guidance from your church leader. Put forth a lot of effort in trying to rekindle those feelings you once had. Marriage isnt easy. Unfortunately in todays world getting divorces is easier than getting married. Besides the single world is full of predators of the opposite sex. You will get hurt by people dating just as bad as if married. Your choice, good luck!

Answer 6

Especially if there are no children involved, there is NO point. Marriage is a connection between two people that love each other and want to live their lives together, in harmony. If there is no longer love, I do not think you should continue like that.

Answer 7

Well, you DID promise to stay together, no matter what. How to do that, I don't know. Mine was loveless after about 10 years. I'm not sure what to tell you about trying to stay together. Get some counselling maybe? Go and do things together. Do something different. I don't know.

Answer 8

Love is complicated and multifaceted. You got married for a reason (I think). Make sure you explore all avenues to try to resolve your problems and get your partner involved before just calling it quits. WORK at it first, Good Luck.

Answer 9

Only if you want to unhappy. Make a clean break and start off fresh and don't fall back into the same scenario again i.e type of person etc. Also take your time. Best of luck.

Answer 10

Go ahead and get a divorce and become a statisitic. Why did you even get married in the first place?!?! Idiots like you have ruined the meaning of marriage.