Is there something about the age of 50 that makes a woman mean?

Question

My wife seems to have one issue with me after another. She is just getting mean and it keeps me uptight. Financially we have it great.

Yes, there has been dramatic chemical imbalances, she is going through the change, some health probs, both kids are high maintenance. Or course, I work hard and am not perfect at all. So far, a lot of good points.

Answer 1

Hi, Ben!

I'm 40 and single, so I can't necessarily relate to your situation, but having been through divorce and another long-term relationship that recently failed. I have also known others in situations similar to yours, and I have some advice:

BOTH people play a part in how a relationship forms and evolves over time. Over the years, we often fall into ruts, thinking that we know how the other will respond to a certain issue and so on; so we stop communicating.

While the kids are growing up, we also are so busy with taking care of them and their schedules, working, keeping the households running that very little time is spent on ourselves as individuals, or on the foundation of the family unit: the husband and wife's relationship.

So now that the kids are older and doing their own thing, we are less distracted and faced with the issues we've neglected all that time. This may include one's own health, appearance, individual emotional and/or intellectual needs. Add to that the little resentments that can add-up during 20+ years in a marriage.

You don't mention if she was a stay-at-home or working mom. I think the transition to "empty nest" is really a challenge for many mothers who chose to stay at home. Raising the kids was their "career" and now they are suddenly out of work! It can leave some people feeling like their life has served it's purpose -- now what? People who work also have similar feelings at retirement.

I suggest first of all reminding your wife that you still love her, and she still possesses the same qualities that led you to propose in the first place. Keep in mind that it is absolutely essential that you are GENUINE AND SINCERE in everything that you say. If you are not, she will know; plus insincerity is dishonest, and that will only make your problems bigger. So express your love and commitment to the relationship in the way that you really feel it.

Secondly, reassure her that even though there are issues with the kids (and she has been an enabler, as we addressed in the other question), that she is NOT wholly responsible. YOU TOO HAVE ENABLED THE SITUATION BY NOT INTERVENING UNTIL THIS POINT! So accept your role in creating the messy situation where you currently find yourselves, and apologize for not being more involved all along.

Then get counseling for ALL of you -- individually and as a couple and as a family (or maybe call the "Shalom in the Home" crew to come to your house). It is obvious that the communication broke down a LONG time ago, and it will take work to get it back together. The fact that you are still together is a good sign that the underlying commitment is still there.

I also suggest being romantic and flirtatious with your wife. Make sure your actions support your statements that she is still loved, and lovable, and desirable. Maybe do some of the things you did before kids to help re-ignite the flame. You could also travel since you are fortunate enough to have financial stability.

Next, address her as a whole person. In youth, We all have hopes and dreams, and raising a family often causes us to push those aside. She is at a point where she is redefining who she is, now that "mother" is no longer job #1. She may need some time and space to reconnect with the other facets of her personality. A spa day or retreat could be very helpful; and they have some that are geared toward women who are going through these transitions in their lives, physically and emotionally.

If you know what some of her interests were back then, bring them up and find out if she still wants to pursue some of those things. You say you have the money -- maybe she wants to get a degree (or another one); maybe she has some hobbies or skills that she could delve into a little more, and even turn into some sort of side business. Even though you don't need the money, most people like to feel some sense of accomplishment that comes with a paycheck, as well as feeling that they are not totally dependent on the spouse. Another option is for her to do volunteer that can provide the emotional rewards that come from helping others.

I hope this helps you see the bigger picture, and helps you forge ahead as a couple. Doing so will also help your kids, because they may well have been playing you against each other all these years. Now that they're older, get to know them as the multi-faceted young adults they are, too. What are their hopes and dreams? How do they think they cam achieve those goals? Don't talk down to them, even though you are frustrated by some of their behaviors. Be honest but also considerate of their feelings. You may also want to apologize to them for not being more attentive to how things were progressively going downhill over time. They know you're not perfect, but to hear you acknowledge it will help them open there minds a little more(just a little) to what you have to say now.

Your wife and kids will become more receptive to you as time, with consistency on your part, proves that you really do love them UNCONDITIONALLY, and you really want them to find happiness and success in their own lives. Then offer EMOTIONAL support always, and financial support as long as they are really working on their future and not just goofing-off.

Good Luck to you all!

Answer 2

Menopause

Answer 3

Not necessarily.
Since you haven't explained what her behavior was like before turning 50, it's difficult to know how to answer your question.

It could be any number of things...
problems with the kids living at home, problems with the kids NOT living at home.
Perhaps she might be feeling unattractive or old, or unfulfilled (mentally, emotionally, or sexually) or maybe taking stock of her life and wishing she had done more or had done things differently. She could be going through menopause. Or maybe you're the one who has changed...not her...lol.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

let's see, kids may be grown and gone and she misses having that role to fill; job may be unsatisfying; YOU may be unsatisfying; menopause could be part of it;; money is not everything and maybe she sees that now.
and by the way have you looked into finding out about a 50 year old woman and what she may be going through WITHOUT asking her what;'s wrong now? explore the women's links on sites and learn more about this woman you are married to; she may not know how to articulate to you what is going on ;
that can be mighty frustrating.....for both of you....good luck

Answer 6

Menopause maybe and be nice to her because most likely she hates it as much as you. Don't dare ask her if she's in the change but do get her to have a check up and things will get better.

Answer 7

Yeah its called dealing with men for 50 years .. thats bound to get to anyone lol.. seriously its menopause, hormonal imbalances cause moodiness..

Answer 8

Talk her into going to the DR. and getting her hormones checked. If it's menopause they have good medications to make her mood better again.

Answer 9

Yes: it is usually their 50 year old hubbies. They are tired of being mommies and they want a life. At least that's what my 50 year old wife told me when she divorced me. I hate it when she's right!

Answer 10

Do you bring her flowers or tell her she looks nice or smells nice? I know that sounds corny. But you never get too old for romance.
Ask her what she needs, money certainly isn't everything. Good luck.