I am a member of CLASSMATE.COM. I got a E-mail{out of the BLUE} from my X husband.*
After NOT talking 4 the last 23/24 years..I got married to my husband now. I am now NOT living w/ this husband and have not in almost 2 yrs now.
Because of his drinking and he is a controle freck..
He is holding my car so, I can't go no where
I can't take it.
We only live here on earth, 1 time,
We need happiness to heal ! I have thought about this over very close the last 3/4 yrs. I am the 1 He uses like a doormat, I get all the bad from him, The next morning.
Then don't remember what he said & Did the next morning.
*NOT GOOD*
My X husband, is a police officer, and about 1000. miles away.
We got along together GREAT, but, to much problems with my family. We lost contact when he went in the mil.service.
He wants me to come out there and willing to pay 4 everything.
4 a VISIT, He said he would pay 4 everything
WHAT WOULD U DO ???
~HELP~
NEEDING ADVISE
*DIVORCE OR NOT?
2006-07-08 19:09:35 · 27 answers · asked by Nancy D 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
~~i wouldn't put up with the abusive dude, dump his tuchas!~~
2006-07-08 19:13:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is not an easy question or neither is the answer. First, you may consider filing for a legal separation. If this does not shake your present husband up to reform, then consider after the year to divorce him.
Even though your ex-husband is willing to pay everything for you to jump at this time will cause more stress in your life especially emotionally. Right now, added stress of a decision of this weight will create alot of stress even with a good looking prospect.
Take some time by email with your exhusband to discuss those things that brought you two to an end. I suspect it was more than just your family even if only the both of your reactions to the problems. Begin to work at it first from a distance and explore building a sound friendship based on working to bring out the best in each other with God's help. You will find that it doing that you gain a friend and possibly more if the time and sitaution becomes right.
I believe in my heart it would be a mistake to go out to see your ex right now while you are still married even though you haven't lived together for 2 years with your present one. I can appreciate the length of time for your needs being unmet but you do not want to find yourself in another potential mess by not taking the time to build a better relationship so to overcome any past problems with your ex.
Please atleast think about it because you may be under alot of pressure to make a choice and that can make you miss something you need to see or understand for a good choice to be made.
i do hope and pray that you will find the way for you to go so you can find that satisfaction in a relationship that you need.
One more thing and I'll close. I'm concerned of how you have been treated and how it's affected you. Please take some time and thought and rediscover the type of woman and lady you are and need to become to enter into a healthy and satisfying relationship. There's alot of good books out there especially Dr John Gray; men from Mars and women from Venus. If you are a reader then try some of his books.
Hoping for the best for you because you deserve it!!!
2006-07-09 02:36:05 · answer #2 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Firstly, from a legal point of view, you must not contact or attempt to contact your ex husband. This can and will be used against you when and if you file for divorce. You may find that this will cause you a huge financial loss and will be ground for cancellation of your alimony.
Secondly, if you really feel that there is no hope in the present relationship, why pursue it further? If you have spoken to your husband and he not willing or able to go to therapy, or he has tried but has nor succeeded, or you are not able to talk about it with him, then you are most likely stuck in a position where there will be no change for the better.
If you are afraid of your husband, you should seriuosly consider speaking to a shelter for women. they can help you with the legal proceedings against him, and will advise you of your rights. They also may be able to give you a place to stay until you are able to get a restraining order for him. Be careful - a restraining order is only a piece of paper and will not protect you if you put yourself in a position to be in harm's way.
Try to obtain proof of either his abusiveness or his need to control you - this will help when and if you file for divorce.
Seek suppport - this will be emotional and trying for you.
Dont attempt to understand or make a relationship with your ex. He is jsut another complication, which you can do without in this situation. if you file for divorce and want to pursue the relationship, go ahead, but do so after you are free of the current problem. Dont expect him to wait for you - you will be a new, raw divorcee and he may expect something else. Dont set yoruself up for dissappointment by expecting him to be your savios - make your own life and let him join if he so wishes.
best LUCK!
2006-07-09 02:19:34 · answer #3 · answered by Leah S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dear lady i am sorry to hear that you are in such a sad predicament ! however whilist i am a christian and do not believe in marriage breakup i do not think staying with your current husband is a good idea especially if he is a abusive drinkiner. The man needs to take responsibility for himself and take control of his actions! i used to drink heavily and do drugs but it came to the choice what do i want more : drugs and alcahol or a happy family i was tired of fighting with my wife and made the choice of what is more important. I am only 23 but grew up in a house with an abusive mother who was a drinker and used to gamble our only food money away down the pokies & bring home stray men some of who used to beat her badly (hence how i started off on the path of drugs & alcahol) but after getting my own life the responsibility rested on me it was no longer up to my mother how i lived my life so i changed i am now a bible student and have been clean of drugs and drunkedness since i was 19 like i said its up to him if he is treating you this way then STAY CLEAR put a dvo on him that way if hes is violent you have some protection if he loves you and is a man he will accept that he has a problem then try to work it out with him but never try to talk to him while he is drunk as this will only cause him aggrivation as for the other husband on the line let him no that you just want to be good friends & that you are married if he loves you he should respect your decesion finaly if all else fails the you can sepearte yourself from your current marriage (not divorce) untill your hubby gets his head screwed on straight then consider moving back in but untill he stops the drinking PERIOD stay clear and wait at least 3 months before moving back in with him by the way this dosent mean that you cant still go out and have dinner together and have picnics in the park but no sex and no going home to his place or vice versa or you are letting him think that alls well and the situation will come back again!
2006-07-09 02:42:20 · answer #4 · answered by family guy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is your life, and what we say is not going to necessarily work. Is your ex with someone after all these years, have kids, was this even asked. As far the husband now, if you've been separated 2 yrs, then what's the use in being married. You know what you think will make you happy, but don't do something that will not be alright for everybody involved.
2006-07-09 02:21:22 · answer #5 · answered by msthinkpositive 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, your ex-husband will not make your problems go away. If you're going to dump your current husband, do it because he's a jerk who treats you like crap. Dump him and move on, live the one life you have. Do not dump him thinking Mr. Ex will be your knight in shining armor. If he was that, he wouldn't be your ex! Tell your ex you're going through some stuff with your current husband and you really need to sort that out first. Stop calling or e-mailing your ex, and don't take his calls or e-mails. Deal with one bad relationship at a time. If you divorce your current husband, then contact your ex and see if he's still interested. I hate to say it, but he may not be as interested once you are free and looking for commitment. Good luck.
2006-07-09 02:16:41 · answer #6 · answered by irmamontez 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
search deep in your heart because that is where the answer lye's. However normally if things doesn't work out the first tie it wont the next time, too much water under the bridge, but who knows after all these years i am sure you are both different people than you were before.
As far as a drunk husband hmmm i would have never put up with that to begin with. Good luck
2006-07-09 02:15:55 · answer #7 · answered by answerqueen 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well think about your future and your kids best interests(if you have them) IS LIVING WITH A DRUNK IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIFE? Does it make you happier? feel safer? And about having everything payed for you, does he mean Everything? Where will you be if he disappears one day and leaves you with totally nothing and nonindependent?
Before you go off with any man, you need to sit down and write a list of things that the guy should have, like respect for you, morals, values, and unconditional love. Figure out which guy fits into the list better. Then you have your answer.
2006-07-09 02:25:10 · answer #8 · answered by Becky 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no i wouldnt go back. 23 or 24 years is plenty of time. you are a rose,a rose that has been mis treated for so long and now is time for you to bloom again. life is to short to be worried or always un happy. he is an officer its sad he enforces the law but cant make things work out at home. love is very powerful. you are hanging on to the roots of a tree. its time to let go and create new memories again.its time to grow again new roots with some one else. some one who can make you happy.
2006-07-09 02:24:55 · answer #9 · answered by galothe 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is one of those cases where I think divorce is the best because it could turn into an extremely abusive situation. You need to be the one you're worried about, not anyone else.
I wouldn't worry about your ex at the moment. You could just be feeling needy. Tell him that once you get out of your current situation then maybe you could chill & see what comes of it. But, I wouldn't go rushing into his arms because it might just be because of rebounding.
2006-07-09 17:15:54 · answer #10 · answered by boardwalkangel24 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go for it! You sound like a wonderful person who does not deserve to be treated like a piece of sh*t!. Get a divorce...and be careful, you may end up needing a restraining order if things get out of hand. Believe me--I've been there. Go see your ex and enjoy! You only live once!
2006-07-09 02:15:01 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋