Long question....?

Question

Ok about 12 years ago, my friend met a guy and they now have a 10 year old. Recently, she told me that he fathered a child a couple of years ago. He swore it was his only affair and that it was over, and she has forgiven him. Once in a while, when I speak to her on the phone, she has the child, but he is not there!!!!! He often sleeps over "friends houses". What 30 year old has sleep overs!!! 5 years ago, a coworker of mine told me that she was sleeping with him. He told her that they only lived together for the child, but she needed to be out of the house before my friend came home from work. 3 years ago, I ran into a friend who told me that he is sleeping with another woman. Both of these woman are not the one he has a child with. Also, don't tell me to tell her about these other woman. I did that 12 years ago, the first time I found out he was cheating, and she didn't talk to me for 2 years.
My question is....Do you think they have "an arrangement" or is she really that stupid?

Oh, I don't plan on telling her, and I am supportive of her decision whatever that may be, but It bothers me not knowing what the real situation is.

Also, she does tell me that she needs sex, and is willing to do whatever, but they RARELY have sex. She also kisses his but, and does everything for him, OH, and makes way more money. I don't know if its a self esteem issue, the fact that they have a child togther, or if love is really that blind.

They are not married, but they do own a home together. BTW, she can afford it on her own. She makes 3 times what he makes.

Answer 1

She's not stupid, just in deep. deep denial. Trust me, I've been there. I was married 15 yrs and ignored all the warning signs.He lied and cheated so many times (I found out about after the divorce) that I don't know that he was ever faithful. I put my head in the sand because I thought (at the time) it was better to be with him and live a lie than alone and live the painful truth. Now divorced 4yrs I realize how wrong I was. The fear of change and the unknown is difficult and especially if your self-esteem has been battered as mine was. But I can honestly say I am happily divorced now. I hope for your friends sake (and her child) she opens her eyes soon and gets out of that relationship. I was also told by many people my ex was an *** and I should leave, but I never listened. He actually left me for someone else. At the time I was crushed, but now see it as a HUGE gift from him. And talk about Karma coming around... the woman he left me for cheated on him and left him after 3 yrs together!
For now I guess I would advise you to keep your friends self-esteem built up and strong. Get her involved in things outside the relationship to show her she has options. And just so you know, after my divorce, several friends came up to me and said they "knew" my ex was cheating but never said anything because they didn't want to upset me. It hurt just as bad hearing it afterwards....Best of luck to you and to your friend.

Answer 2

You didn't say if they were married or living together.
I have a feeling that she knows and turns her head away from it so that she can deal with life and keep a place to live for herself and her child. Otherwise she is dumber than a door nail.
Sounds like the only way she can deal with life with this man is to live in denial. Sort of a "don't ask , don't tell" way of life.
He sounds like a major jerk who doesn't deserve her devotion.
This is a hard call to make, tell or or don't tell her? Sounds like history might repeat it's self if you tell her. She won't speak to you. I have a feeling that the not speaking to you was more of the fact that her good friends and others around her, saw her man for what he is and if she talked to you she would have to asknowledge that he was indeed an AH.
Also, this is her personal business. You can't fix things for her.
Ocassionally say things to her like......."you are such a dear friend, you can share anything with me if you like, I just want you to know that I care" then drop it. She has a memory, she remembers his cheating. She probably knows he will always cheat. The problem is that inside of her she doens't see herself as worthy of anything better than him. Hopefully in time she will gain her self respect and get herself and her son away from this man. Meanwhile there isn't much you can do but be her friend.

If deep inside of you, you are convinced that this man is cheating so much that your friend NEEDS to know, then you risk her not talking to you. It might be worth it to save a friend. It is a risk you have to take. I would say that if you do plan on telling her, have some back up prepared. A list of places who will help women. Counseling centers. Support Group phone numbers. Leave the list with her. Tell her that you understand that she might not talk to you again, but as her friend you will always be there for her no matter what happens. Then it is up to her whether or not to talk to you.

You have a big decision to make. Ponder on it, Pray about it.
Tell yourself that when you know what you need to do you will do it. Until then take a deep breath and relax.

Answer 3

A little of A and a little of B. It sounds like your friend may have a problem with her self confidence as well. She might not have a problem with it so long as he treats her right and she has someone to look after her. He may have some kind of emotional hold over her and she is stupid enough to accept his pathetic reasons for doing this.
If she doesnt seem to mind then I'd stay out of it and just be a friend to her.

Answer 4

She is letting him get a piece on the side and doesn't want the world to know... It is okay with her and obviously him... it does prbably hurt her but there is nothing you can do:( Like you said she didn't talk to you for two yrs last time you said something about it so act oblivious to it... nothing you can do except learn from it. Also don't ever let a guy be that way with you...

Answer 5

It extremely relies upon on the type of question. some that are tediously demanding or trite, OR hateful rants OR even as each and every note is misspelled (lyke omg so mi bff and me an my BF were lyke all goin out an idk lyke omg .....) you already know, those variety LOL. I bypass those. yet i do not concepts interpreting by skill of an quite lengthy Q even if that's respectable or exciting. an excellent style of the Q's i answer anymore at the on the spot are not lengthy even if. yet short, humorous, and to the point. xD ?

Answer 6

i think she loves him that much that she dosen't belive nobody cuze when u live a guy u can't stop sometimes but what she needs is for somebody to open her eyes 4 her and i think u are that person

Answer 7

If she can't see it for herself, nor can she take the warnings from people telling her then she really is that stupid. Sorry.

Answer 8

maybe she knows but she doesn't care enough to leave him over it .... it's her problem .. not yours ..
if you feel the need to tell her ...
type an anonymous letter and send it to her through the mail -
she'll have the info and you'll feel better and what she chooses to do with it is on her ........

Answer 9

Both she sees what she wants to see and deals with it.