what's the best way to get my 9 yr. old daughter to listen to me?

Question

i always end up screaming at her. she completely ignores anything i say and she acts like she is in charge. i have tried almost everything i can think of and still no response from her. we have a good home and i spend time with her doing activities that she chooses, so this attitude she has is beyond me. any suggestions?

Answer 1

Guess what? Your daughter is in charge: she can get mom to lose it and scream at her.

I know that this is not easy, I've raised two and that's why I can also tell you that what works for one does not necessarily work for the other, so all I can do is suggest you give it a try.

First of all, don't allow your daughter to take charge by ignoring what you say. Set simple guidelines with consequences if things are not done when you ask her for it. My son was not allowed to go outside and play with the others unless his room was clean and his bed made. If he failed to do that, he could not go outside---end of discussion. I had no television in his room, nor a computer---both of which would have provided some entertainment while he was banned from going outside. He balked at it the first few times, but when he realized that mom was serious about her rules, he did what he was supposed to do without me ending up screaming and yelling.

My daughter was less of a problem, but if she created one it was usually a bigger thing---she had a different set of rules, because she did not care if she was grounded for a year(she likes to read books). With her I did not let her go to her after school activities: if she broke the rule, I took her privileges away. See, my son cared about going outside to play with his buddies--he didn't like to read books, so being grounded was terrible for him unlike my daughter who loved reading books and who also loved to go to the gym and play sports. So taking away that from her, and grounding my son worked for them. It ended up that I did not have to get loud with them. We had a list of chores which rotated on a weekly basis between them and me(yes, I rotated with them), so that out of fairness each of us had to do the most hated jobs for one week, we had a weekly meeting with a notepad where we discussed upcoming appointments and events for the following week and made notes on what we did not like about each other--that way we were able to talk--not accuse each other.

In essence your 9 year old is in charge. She can get you to scream and yell by ignoring what you are telling her and at the same time seems to be able to get away with it by suffering almost no consequences. Make the consequences clear, and be consistent---she will balk at it first, but when she sees that you are serious, and when she sees that she cannot push your buttons no longer, then she will do what you are asking her to do. Good Luck

Answer 2

Don't let her get away with that type of behavior. You are the parent and you must regain control of your home. She has to learn that she doesn't set the rules. Don't yell at her. Actions speak louder than words. She knows your pattern of behavior. She knows she can push you and all you'll do is scream at her.

Change your behavior. Stop yelling and start by setting consistent rules of respect and expectations. Then, when she breaks the rules, and she will, then follow through with the punishment. You know your daughter well enough to know what would be good punishment, whether it be removal of TV, grounding, computer time, etc. etc. Do what it takes to enforce these rules. You cannot for one second relax your will on them. You have to re-establish your authority. You and your husband need to be consistent.

Be sure to give your daughter the respect that a 9 yr old deserves as well. She is a person too, but she is only a child and she must realize this. Sometimes some tough love is what it takes. Believe me, she is hearing what you say, but is choosing to ignore you because it allows her to keep control in the relationship. Make it clear to her that you know she can hear you and her ignoring you will not in any way make her exempt from punishment. Then follow through with the punishment. If she tries to circumvent, do what it takes to stop it. Remove the plug on the computer, remove the TV, monitor the phone, whatever will be most effective.

You simply cannot give in anymore.

Answer 3

Well I'm not a parent. But if you want someone to listen to you, then you have to listen to them.

Sit her down during some quiet time, maybe after dinner and discuss the matter. Let her air her frustrations, and then discuss them. Then let her know yours, that you want to be listened to just as much as she does. Let her know it's a two way street, if she wants to get what she wants, you have to get what you want.

And remember that some of it is just part of growing up. Everyone goes through that stage when they're 4, and then when puberty hits oh boy here it is again. I remember being a total douche when I was 11, I don't know how my mother managed not to kill me. A lot of deep breathing exercises I imagine.

Answer 4

1-sit her down and make her face you with eye contact
2-have a list of topics to discuss and do not deviate from it
3-get her input (although you have the final decision)
4-provide her with a list of consequences if she choose not to listen or cooperate and FOLLOW THROUGH
5-do not yell or raise your voice because it is her choice to listen or to accept the consequences
6- punishment should range from time out to denying privileges (phone, computer, gameboy, toys, time w/friends, outings, up to and including a spanking)
7- establish a firm set of rules and boundaries for her. Children that do not have firm boundaries go and push the limits.

You do not need that during the next few years.

Answer 5

i would say try to sit her down and tell her that you are the parent and she is the child. also that she needs to respect you because you are the adult. if you find yourself about to scream, stop, take a deep breath and count to ten to calm down then try to continue the conversation. if she doesn't listen try taking away something she really likes and only give it back when you think she deserves it and make sure she is not pretending to be good just to get her toy or whatever you take away back. if she does pretend, take away two things. if she continues keep taking stuff away until she gets the point.

i hope this helps you out! Good luck!

Answer 6

Ignore her for a few days. Stop yelling. If she can't come around in a reasonable amount of time try removing her priviledges one at a time. Be consistant and fair. If you return to yelling the whole process will unravel. Try talking in a normal tone. Don't let her get you upset. Children like to test their parents. Its natural.

Answer 7

You're asking a question that has plagued parents since the world began. It usually starts around two and only gets worse until they are about 24.

Good luck and don't scream.

Answer 8

first of all, give her some space, second of all, do not try and MAKE her listen to you, third of all, if you tell her something once where she can hear you and she completely ignores you, don't bother her, and just let her learn the hard way, you are in control of her not vica versa, and if she demands or orders that you do something don't do and tell her if she doesn't do what you ask her to do first won't do a thing that she asks you to do

Answer 9

Treat her like her thoughts and opinions matter. Build a strong relationship with her. Talk calmly to her no matter how angry you are. Let her know that what she is doing upsets you and why. I think for kids her age it is hard to put themselves in anothers shoes and see someone else's point of view.

Answer 10

Only do special things with her when she deserves it. If she can't act right, don't give her anything. She's old enough to know what's going on and how to act right. Good luck.