How can I handle this?

Question

I have been with my fiance for just over a year now. He has 3 teen daughters (twin 13 year olds and a 15 year old) that live with their mom. These girls are very hyper due to having ADD/ADHD (one of them has both, the others each have one or the other; the one with both is also a bit developmentally delayed). We both love these girls very much and are protective of them.

The problem is that anytime my fiance is around them, he tells them to be quiet so he can watch the TV, won't play with them (such as rough house, which they want to do, play video games, etc). When he has them in the car, he tells them to be quiet, or to shut up, because he is driving. The girls are very upset that they don't know their dad because he won't spend actual time with them. Instead, he goes and pays their allowance, etc, stays for a few minutes, then leaves. How are they supposed to get to know him that way?? Their mom and I talk about 1-2 times a month, or more. She has asked me to talk with him.

When I do talk with him, he says ok, then doesn't do as I have suggested. I encourage him to spend time with them as much as possible (he works in the same town they live in and we plan to move there soon). What can I say or do to get him to understand why he needs to do things differently? He is NOT like this with others, just with his girls.

These are all great ideas everyone. Thank you. One problem is, tho, that the girls don't feel comfortable coming over to our house for more than a few hours because they don't know their dad. Only one of them has come to our house once for a few hours, and we have been here for 8 months. They don't feel comfortable going anywhere with just him. If I am there, they have no problem. I have taken 2 of the girls to a mall once while he spent time with the other girl and their mother.

I think that he might be afraid of spending time alone with them and really doesn't know how to have a good relationship with them. I have let him know all that I have figured out over the years (I helped my ex raise his 2 and I was a nanny for 2 years to 4 kids). He says he understands, but doesn't do anything different.

The mom speaks to me because she has tried with him since the girls were first born, and he still hasn't changed. He has changed in other ways with me, just not this.

Answer 1

Wow, you got some issues to deal with sweetie. I'm not oblivious to your problem, other than my ex was like that with our kids before i left him, after i left him it got better. However it seems like you should be more aggressive about it when you talk to your fiance about it. You can also take the initiative and plan family outings with you, him and the girls. Make it something fun, a day at the beach, or park with Frisbee, and kites, anything physical that he would have to participate in to enjoy the day. Another suggestion is to start conversations at the dinner table, at home would be better than in public that way you can talk openly and honestly with the girls and their dad, start the conversations to specific topics, like birthday celebrations for the girls, ask what they like, and what they don't like, this way he will at least learn their likes and dislikes, one more thing, make an afternoon of family learning, just a chat session for him and the girls you should supervise only, have the girls make questionnaires anonymously and let him chose who answers best fit a particular daughter. Make it fun and with little pressure as possible. Hope these ideas help.

Answer 2

As once a teenager with ADHD myself, There are a couple of things I can tell you. First you only have ADD and ADHD there is no BOTH option. ADHD is the same ADD but with the hyperactivity.

I as well drove my own mother to the point where she could only handle so much of me, I embarrassed her in stores, she couldn't take me anywhere without my curiosity getting the better of me. (sometimes with damages) By the time I was a teen My mother and I rarely spoke except for fighting.

The girls will soon reach a point where they will calm down a little. They should see a counselor so they can learn some different techniques to keep themselves calm. Breathing exercises and meditation sometimes works, so does going off into a back room of the house and letting it out in private before going into public.

When I am home I am batty as all hell. I let myself get this way because when I'm in public I then am able to act my own age (mostly)

I have been struggling with this now for 25 years. it will get a little easier. But it won't happen until they are a bit older (early to mid 20's)

Answer 3

Organize a surprise day. Tell everyone you have a surprise for them. Either you all go to the zoo, or some concert, or even the mall. Get your husband away from home, and in an environment that he may like. What about a base ball game? Tell the girls...thisi s pamper Dad day..., let them in on your plan, and see what happens to him. Maybe he'll wake up and discover what a great family he has.

Answer 4

i have avery similar story...my fiance has two boys..8&10 the 10 yr old is adhd and is violent with his brother and sometimes with my two children{3&8}..upon the boys coming to spend the summer with us i made a decision that he was gonna have to spend more time with the kids and teach them to become lil men...there mom is horrible at being a parent and she hates me so we are at different ends of the string..well, my fiance decided that after they had only been here for a week..he decided to take the oldest off his med and begin to discipline him instead of using the med..well, you can imagine how that has worked out.My fiance is very high strung,a good man and good father, when he has time...well, anyway, my advice to you is to keep talking to him...eventually it will work.. he will get better...after having more than anyone's fair share of talks about spending time with the kids, things are beginning to look better! the boys are learning manners and behaving well..and dad...well he finally told me the reason he had been distant with the kids..guess what..he was afraid..yea afraid he would screw up at raising them and teaching them morals etc...you just gotta be patient and keep talking to him..he will get it one day and count your lucky stars that you have their mom there to help..maybe you should have the kids talk to their dad and tell him what they are feeling..since we have 4 kids that are all around the same age, we have what we call family complaint and question night..once a week we have a rap session about what has bothered us during the week and what we can do to fix it ...you gotta let those girlss speak for themselves and let dad know what he is doing wrong...don't be mad at him cause i bet he's just a lil scared too. good luck..hope you have a great ending!!!

Answer 5

It's great that you get along with their mother and care about the girls...that is all very encouraging for them and their future.
As for your fiance and his girls...maybe he could coach a team they are on or go a camping trip, just him and the girls. If he comes up with some things he likes to do and includes them in it he will have more fun. Or if he tries to do things that they like...play the video games with them, do their hair...whatever they like to do.
Or have a special place he takes them (even if its just bowling) it will be a good memory that he has w/ them.
If you nag him too much he will resist...let him come up with an idea on his own.
Good luck!

Answer 6

Obviously, he just wants to be a father in name only. He is taking the easiest path of resistance. He only does what is leagally expected of him. Anyone can make babies, but that doesn't mean he is a father. He probably loves these girls, but just really just doesn't like to be around them. The only hope for him and his children is family counseling, and he probably isn't the type of man who would go for it. It takes an unselfish person to be a parent,because you have to give of yourself and make sacrifices. In other words, give up some of your pleasures and think about someone else and what you can do to make them happy. It takes a lot of practice.

Answer 7

You are not the one the mom needs to talk to. She needs to talk to the man who made the children with her..why have them come over if he has no interest in spending quality time with them...this is the time in their lives were memories are built and hopefully he will come to his senses before he loses the respect they have for him..maybe you should talk to him and help him to understand how he makes them feel...Good luck..being a step parent isn't easy..and unless you are married should not be your responsibility to entertain them when they visit.
I wou;d seriously think about his attitude and behavior ..if he's this way with his kids..how will he treat you when you do get married?

Answer 8

That's a very sticky one, but if their mom is on your side then, it is better. Just tell him that even though he's around his girls, he is not there for them. Weather it be to play, talk or just watch the sunset as a family. And if he doesn't believe you, tell him to talk to them AND their mother. Hopefully we won't believe everyone but him is wrong.

Answer 9

Just do your part and try to be the type of person they can trust and rely on.