What do you think about this poem that I wrote? Be honest.?

Question

Between The Pillow

Victorious and proud stands the Weeping Willow
Along the path through Hell which lies between the pillow-
Everyday a thousands steps lead no where in the mire,
But all the way goes a nerve exposed to fire.

Through broken glass and mirror
What is civil appears as I peer nearer:
My shattered and lone perceptions
Know neither truths nor deceptions.

But true, man has always been within this battlefield
Where good and evil each day are killed,
Where life and death to death to duel,
Where art and time both are cruel.

Know, though, that none drenched in the blood are truth-slayers -
That the clashing of their blades sings the songs of soothsayers,
Of a destiny yet I do not see,
Where all of man is good and free.

But for now, for me, how these happenings fare -
Easier its become to share no care
For from the flesh and steel compost
Pain’s dream will spring and silent truth will loudly, proudly boast!

So, with that faithful dream that into my mind was Hurled,
I walk the path to nowhere atop the world
Towering in eternal pain like a wishing willow
Caged between the pillow.

Answer 1

its to long i didnt read it

Answer 2

On a surface level, the rhymings seem a bit strained... forced, almost. It all rhymes, and that's great, but, maybe it shouldn't. What really makes a poem isn't whether or not it rhymes, but the rhythm of the words, and how they feel together. The second line of the second stanza is great for this-- "What is civil appears as I peer nearer:", the repetition of sounds, of visual identifiers, just works great. Try and multiply that feeling throughout the poem. But don't use a bunch of repeating sounds, because that alone will get old quickly and sound too much like Dr. Seuss. The fourth stanza is the best example of the lack of rhythm. The third and fourth lines of that stanza are so much shorter than the first two, that you could probably combine them into one line and make another line entirely to complete the stanza.

Beyond that, I have to admit I don't really understand what you're saying. It's very heavy in metaphor, which is fine if that's what you were going for, but it can be a bit hard to translate that metaphor and understan what you were trying to say. Is this battlefield within the mind, or maybe within dreams? Is that the significance of the pillow? It's hard to tell... but it's good so far, it just needs a little tweaking. Good luck!

Answer 3

You are trying too hard to say too much, honestly. You probably have a lot of emotions going on within you, all at once, but a really good work of art is able to find exact images and words that are specific and hit the reader immediately as true and precise. You need to read more poetry that appeals to you, but also recognize that some poetry is considered great by many people for a reason: it has universal appeal and touches on the truth of our human predicament, which is to be trapped in time, knowing we are to die, but always wanting to break out of our chains and find immortality.

Answer 4

I think the rhymes get in the way of the meaning. I don't understand it at all. Watch out for your use of similes and metaphors, I don't mean to sound too negative, but weeping willows don't stand victorious and proud, there are a whole set of meanings and associations with that tree, but victorious and proud are not there for me.
Keep writing, so many people say you just have to go for it or you will never get to where you want to be.

Answer 5

I like the "wishing willow" and I like the rhyming couplets. Are you using a particular poetic form? If so, I would carefully count the syllables in each line and make sure they add up equally.

I like the poem as a whole and with a little editing, (use a thesaurus for some words) it'll be great!

Answer 6

I liked it. You have a gift of writing and I hope you continue to post them. I enjoyed the cadence and your word choice was great. You started and finished with the willow pillow which was a nice touch. I don't know if you listen to the lyrics of the Red Hot Chili Peppers but your poem reminded me of Anthony Kedis' songs. Keep writing.

Answer 7

really good i really liked it i mean im serious but u should really think about publishing it and im saying this from my heart that kind of passion should be shared wit the world if u have a talent show the world that u do exist and that u wont give up until u show how u truly feel

Answer 8

its sounds a bit like Jim Morrison from The Doors to me, if its truly your work then I say well done! you've got a skill/talent with words, but you need restoration/healing in your life, it is bit dark /destructive words, take care. Also doesn't really make sense, bit like putting lotsa words together with no apparant meaning

Answer 9

my 1st thoughts were that you are a serving soldier
or someone who is exposed to or has empathy with those in a combat/war zone. Your poem certainly is a topic of conversation for my friend and I - making us think,question & judge,very thought provoking. Don't stop writting -I for one would like to read more, take care of your self & may your god be with you

Answer 10

Its not too bad. It seems to come from the soul so I would say it is pretty good. Maybe a bit confusing tho.

Answer 11

you had me at first...then it seemed like it changed starting with the 3rd paragraph. I liked it up until then...it seems like you had a change of thought? plus, it's pretty long...it's easy to lose the reader when it's so long and different thoughts.