what is the appropriate age to let your baby self-soothe??

Question

My son is a little over 3 weeks. He doesn't normally fall asleep without being held...(thanks to grandparents..lol). Anyways, I have read that newborns can't self-soothe (i.e. calm themselves down by crying it out) and so I was wondering about other people's personal experience with this. My husband wants to just let him cry himself to sleep, but I just feel so bad.

Don't worry, we do make sure he isn't hungry or wet or dirty first... this is strictly for sleeping.

Thank you for the great answers. To a certain couple though, I wish you wouldn't act like I am not a good parent. Maybe I should have clearly stated that we have not done it yet, (let him cry), but I was just wondering about some other people's personal experiences with the deal.

Answer 1

The appropriate age is...never. You're an adult. If you told your husband you needed to talk to him because you were really upset about the way a friend treated you and he told you to go into another room until you felt ready to act like an adult, how would *you* feel? If you think you aren't mature enough yet to self-soothe, why would you expect a baby to be?

P.S. If you *wouldn't* mind being told to go away, your baby is *still* not ready to act like an adult!!

Answer 2

I agree with the previous answer that you can't spoil a newborn. 3 weeks is still a little young, i think i tried the self soothing thing around 6 months. Be aware that when you do try it it is going to take you a few nights, maybe up to a week for it to begin to work, and the crying will seem like it lasts forever, it'll break your heart, but after a few nights your son will start to adjust, just make sure to give him plenty of reassurance and extra attention during his waking hours. Good Luck!

Answer 3

infants that young have not developed what is known as object permanence. That means that when they can't see something, they think it no longer exists. Object permanence develops around 9 months, and until then, when you are gone, he thinks he is all alone and you are completely gone. There is a chance he is crying because he is scared. While they say you can try that at 6 months, I would wait until he has developed object permanence, at least. (Even then, I am not a big fan of that method. I think babies need love and attention, and they will eventually learn to sleep. Try cutting out an afternoon nap or something later on down the road. At 3 weeks, he is gonna cry at night, and that's that.)

You will know he has developed object permanence when you play with him. Take a toy, show it to him, then hide it. If he looks for it, he has develped OP. If he doesn't look for it, he hasn't.

Remember, tears in babies that young mean something is WRONG. They need love, comfort, attention, food, etc. To let a baby that young "cry it out" is neglect and laziness or ignorance on the part of the parents. (I am not calling you ignorant, btw, because ppl aren't born knowing stuff like this, but now that you know, pleeease don't subject your baby to that kind of treatment!)

Answer 4

A three week old still needs you very much. It's not manipulation like some people think, it's a true NEED at this age as basic as food or shelter. Remember that your baby was inside you for 9 months and felt, heard, smelled and tasted you every second. He feels most secure when he is with you. It's a basic survival instinct. Please don't leave a young baby to cry it out. Respond to his needs and you'll help him to grow into a strong, confident and independent person later in life. If you don't respond, all you're doing is teaching him that he can't depend on you...and that's sad!

Personally, I don't believe in EVER leaving a child to "cry it out." The experts who DO advocate CIO suggest never doing it before 6 months of age.

You can't spoil a baby. Something that is spoiled has been left on the shelf to rot, not given love and attention.

Answer 5

my daughter is one year old and she is awful at night, dont get me wrong i love rocking her to sleep but finding sitters and everything is hell. what i am doing that seems to be helping is i dont rock her, when she is tired i lay her in bed, i let her cry for 3 minutes at the most and theni go in there lay her down give her her nuk and calm her down a little or i lay on the bed and do this, but i dont pick her up. i started this about a week ago and now some nights she falls right asleep. I guess the problem is my fualt because i rocked her every night from the time i left the hospital. i would say that now is the time to bond with your child so just wait about two more months first , but dont wait to long and do what i did. GOOD LUCK

Answer 6

My husband wanted me to do the same thing but I could not let are daughter cry. She is now 41/2 months old and when I lay her down at night to go to bed she will fuss alittle bit abd then she goes to sleep. They say that babies younger than 6 months should not be let to cry because they need to know that the world is a safe place and that someone is there to take care of them. Once they are over 6 months you can let the cry themselves to sleep. Good Luck with what ever you decide to do.

Answer 7

Public health, midwives, and many others strongly recommend not attempting any sort of sleep training until baby is at least 6 months old.

Personally, I would wait until baby is closer to a year, even longer. I really don't feel that it is necessary to make a baby cry. They need that loving attention, they need you there close to them. It's what helps them to become strong and confident people as they grow - knowing that their parents are there for them, and aren't going to leave them in the dark when they are crying for them.

Here is a similar answer I gave to a mother a little while ago - I dont have the time to retype everything so i'm just cutting and pasting -

I think that there are better and gentler ways of helping him get to sleep. Putting a baby down and making him cry because he wants his mama isn't the only way to get him to sleep - during the day, at night, naptimes, ever. My daughter is 10 months old and yes, we sleep with her. She is a happy well adjusted outgoing independent child and I think this has everything to do with the fact that we respect her needs. She needs her parents, she needs to be comforted to sleep, etc etc. When you let a baby cry, you are teaching him that his only way of communicating (which at this point is crying) is not effective, and he can thus lose confidence in his ability to communicate his needs to you. On the same note, he can also lose trust and confidence that mama is there for him - since when he needs you the most (when he is crying) you leave him alone. I just dont think it is the best way - there are much better ways.

Something that many people have done is push the crib up against the bed. That way he is still close to where he is used to sleeping, and it's not a harsh - "into the crib and now i'm going to leave you alone to cry your little heart out". For me, I just let my daughter sleep in our bed for naps as well - she sleeps sounder, and I can escape much easier to go off and do whatever it is that I decide to do while she is napping.

On that note, Ferber, the man who "wrote the book" on letting babies "cry it out", eventually actually revoked his statements about letting babies cry, and admitted that it is not beneficial for their physical, emotional and developmental health to let babies cry themselves to sleep. Obviously, when you see how many people on here still do it, the damage has been done, but please consider what I am saying - most experts do NOT believe it helps a baby in the long run, sometimes it doesn't work at all, and think about it - it's hard to hear him cry for a reason. We are programmed biologically to answer our babies cries. We're ignoring our instincts when we let them cry without helping them. And I just don't think that will get us very far.

Answer 8

I am a grandpa and since my three granddaughters were born after my retiement and their parents were employed I took and held complete charge of my sweets .They are now in t heir teens.If any of wards cried I would consider as some grave lapse on my part and try to fix it. The thinking of your husband is perfectly atrocious . I can see that you also do not agree with him but do want to give it a try after comforting your conscience by taking a gallup poll. I have no doubt that there may be quite a lot of people who call themselves parents who would vote in favour But this is like a scene in a picture I had seen years ago. The mother and the father would pinch a happily blabbering child to make it cry. They would then watch for a fixed time during which they would make no attempt to consold the crying baby.When they were asked to explain they unabashedly said that this was to strengthen the lungs of the ward.You parents are their real brothers and sisters. Who said you have t o make the child cry to induce sleep. Have you not marked that if a crying child goes to sleep he sobs in sleep. He is actually crying in his sleep and perhaps may also be having a nightmare induced by your crelty. Sleep in children is like mercy described by the heroine Portia in Merchant of Venice. It is like a light drizzle from heaven . If you have not watch how a child falling asleep does not want to do and tries as far as possible for him to stay awake. The little brain must be intrigued not being able to understand wherefrom this sleep is slipping over it. He could even protest against it by crying but the sleep is too powerful to be cowed down by such sham protest .Disabuse your mind completely that a child needs crying as he does laughing. My grands cried only if they were hungry or hurt. You see , as they say in melodramas,'the tears of a child powerful. They should not be allowed to fall on the earth or they will scorch it." My grownup wards have had no adverse effects on them for their regimen without tears.In fact, this has inculcated a spirit in them of never shedding tears whatever may be the cause. Gone are the days of false prophets like you pondorously preaching that Children must weep.Anything you do to stop the tears even coming in your kids eyes will pay you dividends at compounded rates in later life-and to the children also.

Answer 9

Trust your instincts..

"You can't control how your baby reacts. Use discernment about advice that promises a sleep-through-the-night more convenient baby, as these programs involve the risk of creating a distance between you and your baby and undermining the mutual trust between parent and child. On the surface, baby training sounds so liberating, but it's a short-term gain for a long-term loss. You lose the opportunity to know and become an expert in your baby. Baby loses the opportunity to build trust in his caregiving environment. You cease to value your own biological cues and judgment and follow the advice of someone who has no biological attachment, nor investment, in your infant."

If your husband still needs to see that it isn't a good idea to let your son 'cry it out', have him check out these links:

Answer 10

About 6 months. We tried this with my daughter and didn't stick to it. I rocked my daughter who is 2 1/2 now to sleep everynight until she was 2 years old. Now she usually falls asleep on her own. I also have a son who just turned 6 months old on July 2. My advice to you if you don't like to hear him cry is rock him to sleep. This is a comfort method for him and he knows he is safe in your arms when he drifts to sleep. Unless there is a reason why you can't rock him, just do it and enjoy every peaceful minute with that baby in your arms. They grow way to fast and won't want to be held anymore at some point. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.