My husband's ex-wife has caused us a lot of drama and problems in the past but claims she won't again and wants to live close to us to be near their 12 yr old son who lives with us. She currently lives in NC. and we are in CO.She has full custody but can't handle the child (she likes her free time and many men) so she sent him to us about 2 yrs ago. He is visting her in NC for the summer and she says she may move out here when he comes back to us in August. We moved away from NC to get away from the drama and fear that she will cause problems by trying to control the rules and values we have in our home (she babies the boy and we are fairly strict). It would be in the childs best interest to have her close, but ONLY IF we can get along. He wants her to move out here because he wants to live with his 2 brothers and 1 sister (half siblings) but wants her here too. She says she is having big financial problems and needs help. Should we help her by allowing her to move here?
2006-07-08 04:25:00 · 19 answers · asked by Kate 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
When I say "allow" I mean, the only way she would be able to move here is if we helped her with the money to get out here and get her an apartment. My husband and I manage low income apts and could get her in asap with no income. So I know she could move here if she wanted to but she can't without our help. So in other words I'm asking if we should help her move here even though there have been problems in the past? I know it would be in the boys best interest but it would not be if there will only be more problems like in the past. It caused alot of stress and depression for him back then.
2006-07-08 06:25:44 · update #1
No. You should not be assisting her to move to your town and especially not into a unit that you manage.
If she wants to move closer then she can do it on her own. Suggest the next town so you do not have to constantly run into each other at the bank, grocery store, etc.
2006-07-08 06:45:40 · answer #1 · answered by Plasmapuppy 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋
It takes two to tangle, if you refuse to acknowledge the negative and focus on the positive, you can influence the behavior of the boy's mother. Don't be selfish by only considering how this will affect you and your relationships with your husband and step son. A boy needs his mother near. Embrace his needs and respect his humanity, after all this situation was not his choice. Children are people too. If you invite his mother to your town with open arms and a true heart, you can heal the wounds of the past. By the way, how could you stop her from moving there? Try not to take this harshly but it seems you have control issues and at least part of the problem is you. Be the best you can and always love unconditionally, if you do, you will be his hero.
2006-07-08 04:55:30 · answer #2 · answered by phantom56k 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, you are a trouble maker. This is not your child therefore you have aboslutely no say in anything that pertains to him. Your husband may be strict but you aren't anything.
Secon, she can move anywhere she wants. You don't have a say in that and it is very arrogant of you to think that you do. This is a free country and she can do what she wants.
Maybe you should quit blaming her for everything and look to yourself to see how you are causing problems. It is a two way street. Also, you chose to marry a guy who already had a relationship and a child. You chose to enter into that willingly and then figured that you can get rid of the ex-wife. Sorry but she is tied to him forever. You should have thought about that before you married him.
2006-07-08 04:33:02 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
the first thing you and your husband should do is pray. The boy needs his mother and despite her shortcomings that is his mother. Talk to the son about it. People do change, and even if they don't we sometimes have to step up. She is honest, she gave you the kid when she has full custody becasue she knows you will provide a better home- so maybe the move will be good. There is always drama in these situations and you as the other woman must adapt and not let it get to you all the time.
2006-07-08 04:32:04 · answer #4 · answered by nexus2k 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let her? How do you "let" someone move? Is there a protective order against her? Or will she be living with you?
Just make sure she knows the rules of your home and guidelines you set for the children.
You're always going to have "baby-mama-drama". That's what happens when you marry a man with children from a past relationship. Some of these mothers use the kids to keep a hold on their fathers. Your hubby should be dealing with her, not you. It's not your place.
Good luck with this can of worms.
2006-07-08 04:37:16 · answer #5 · answered by 4kidsmama 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello,
My heart goes out to you, as I too moved away from the "step-mother wicked witch of the east".
Sometimes you CAN move away from your problems.
You realized when you decided to move, that she was not going to change. You were right. People don't change, not that kind of person.
What she wants now is help...sounds like FINANCIAL help. She might be figuring that if she lives closer, she can manipulate better to get that financial help.
While living in the same state, she can then apply to the State for you husbands wages to be attached, because he will have no "obvious" proof that HE is supporting the boy at his own residence. Be careful of that when she settles in. You could wind up not only caring for all the boys needs emotionally and financially;but also having to send money to her...possibly by having your husbands wages attached.
Can you control her, and prevent her from moving to your area? No.
What you should do at this time, since you have the boy with you for the major part of the year, is get him home right now. And then file for custody in your states court. Go to court with ALL your records of supporting him and things you buy for him, and his registration to your area schools, and how long he's been there.
In fact, I strongly suggest you get an attorney.
The money spent on your attorney will save you thousands in the years to come.
As far as controlling the boys behavior, you can make it clear to him, that while under YOUR roof, he will follow your rules. He's old enough for you to explain what rules are all about, to teach him respect for authority that is essential as an adult to be able to conform to; and also fairness to all the family. Let him know clearly that no matter what his Mother UNDERMINES when he's with her, that your home will have the "reward system" in place. And that is, when you do as asked, you will be rewarded AND when you don't do as asked, you will be DIS-rewarded:
"The Parent gives, and The Parent taketh away".
Don't get trapped by the emotional part of does he love us or not. He's a TEEN. He loves himself right now, and he won't give you proper respect until he's about 30 or so no matter what you do. This is true for even the best of kids. I KNOW. I'm a granny now, and it took a lot of patience to put up with my kids superior attitudes, until they came off their cloud the past couple of years. Just tolerate it, Hon. You'll get your respect in time.
You can ventrure to tell her you don't want her there. But she'll tell the son that you said that.
Do what you can, in a very tactful way, to discourage her living too close; but what ever she does, be on CONSTANT guard eternally !!!
Lepoards do not change their spots.
Trust me on this "experience" and wisdom.
I wish you "peace" and love
stw
2006-07-08 04:55:36 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
How could you stop her?( Been there done that as far as the drama and constant problems caused by an ex-wife so I do sympathize with you.) However, I would in NO WAY help her financially to make the move etc.. Sounds like she needs to learn to take responsibility for herself and her kids. If you give her money - that will further your involvement with her. It will never end until you quit enabling her lifestyle.
2006-07-08 04:57:14 · answer #7 · answered by arkiemom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I really don't see how you ca prevent her from moving into the same town, but you don't have to allow her to live in your home. I don't believe you have to help her in any way. The court has already set how much you have to help her with. The rest is her problem. Let her find her own place and ways to set up her household.
2006-07-08 04:38:19 · answer #8 · answered by Sander 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she decides to move near you.....there is really nothing you can do, short of having a restraining order placed on her. I wouldn't help her at all, because of all the drama she's given you in the past, and also you'll proabably never see that money again. If she decides to move close to you, then it should be on her dime, not yours. Of course, if you really want to be dirty, you could move away a couple of months after she moves to your town.....LOL...but that would be bad. Anyway, please think things thoroughly and never act on impulse. You'll probably be way ahead of her then. Best of luck..........
2006-07-08 04:43:36 · answer #9 · answered by cajunrescuemedic 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a no brainer - if things were so bad that you gave up NC for CO then why are you even considering helping her to follow you?
You say "allow" as if she needs your permission, clearly she doesn't, but I wouldn't do a thing to help her get to CO - she's been trouble and she'll be trouble again.
2006-07-08 06:26:03 · answer #10 · answered by jerryg1212 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋