my daughters father visits whenever he feels like it, how can i fix this? court?

Question

my baby is 7 months and my daughters father visits whenever it's convient for him. he does whatever he wants with his time and comes by with the crumbs of his time. he hasn't visited in a week and hasn't even called. this is the longest he has went and i'm fed up.what can i do to get some control over this situation.i don't allow my daughter to go to his house because his lifestyle is undesirable so that's not an option.just because i'm a woman and we don't live together doesn't mean he gets to be a whenever he wants to dad. please i need some insight. we were never married

Answer 1

Wow.. that seems like a handful for you to be dealing with.

I would think that if he isn't mandated by court to have visitation rights for certain times, then you could deny his wants to come and go on his schedule, and ask him to be available when it's convenient for you and the babes schedule.

I think it's wonderful that he wants to be involved with the baby, but it does seem as though he wants to do it on his terms, not yours...hmmm.. I would set a schedule of when it's convenient for you, and tell him other times are not appropriate for him to 'stop by'.

I would say in 7 months if he has not gone longer than a week without seeing you and the baby, then thats a pretty good record, and respectable. If the baby isn't allowed at his place, then could he take the baby to the grandmothers for a sleep over to give you a break without wondering if the environment is appropriate?

I think that if you went to court about this issue then you could have some formal papers drawn up, but that will mandate that he could get a set schedule of either supervised or unsupervised time with the babe as well, which may make it not your choice if he has the babe at his house or not, and normally determines where the babe will be during each holiday or special event in her life, and those aren't always preferable to the parent that is of the home with the child.

Tough descisions when babes are so small, I wish you luck.

Answer 2

well he has a right to see his daughter, when it is convient for him. A week, really isn't very long at all, it's usually on a 2 week basis when there is a court order involved, such as thru divorce, so I would say, if it's only been a week, then he really isn't even required to come by and see her again for at least another week. If he wants to see her before that, then you should be glad about that. But more than anything it sounds as if your still hung up on him, and just want him to be there all the time, which probably isn't going to happen, so if you do go to court, just realise you'll only be seeing him and he'll only be required to have to see her twice a month and at that point, he WILL be able to take her home with him for visits, if he so desire's to do so with the courts approval.

Answer 3

It's a little confusing understand what you're saying, because at first you're irritated because he is doing everything in his time, his way, and the way he wants. This is clearly unacceptable. Then, you're upset when he doesn't come? I would think you would be relieved?
Since he is coming into your territory, you will need to lay down some boundaries. Type them out to him. Let him know when he can come over, and if he comes over anyway, don't answer the door, or tell him to leave. Sounds like he does what he wants, with no consequence. Lay the boundaries, and then stick with them. It isn't about him. It's about what's convenient for you and the baby. Stand your ground, and don't give an inch or he'll take a mile!
Go on with your life with your child, have a life and have certain times, most of the times with situations like this, he would be allowed to come on the weekend at sometime for awhile and then leave. Because of your situation, you would be better off meeting him in a public place for lunch maybe, and then leaving so that you can go on and do what you want to do. If you allow him to come to your home, it's too difficult to get him to leave.
Hope some of this helps.......

Answer 4

Yes I would take him to court. They can't MAKE him come for visits but you can get it so that he gets to visit her say every Saturday between 2pm and 7pm. This is just a for instance. He cannot come and knock on your door on say Monday and interrupt your daily schedule. Our babies need structure in their lives and to me he is still in control. And the baby will start to sense that mom is unhappy which makes baby unhappy too. Get a set schedule for a couple times a week that he can come to see her. It is sooo sad that alot of people are doing this to their kids and they just don't realize how much damage they are doing to them.

Answer 5

You are allowing him to visit your child in this manner; although experience tells me that it is not just your child he is visiting, he is more likely checking in on you, also. You will have to set boundaries. The next time he visits you need to calmly state to him that his stopping by when ever he feels like it shows absolutely no respect for you or your child, and it is no longer acceptable to you. If you are uncomfortable or afraid of this direct confrontation, write a letter to him, and have it prepared for him when he leaves your home, the next time he "drops in" to visit....(the reason I suggest "when he is leaving" is so you can avoid:
1. Arguing in front of your child.
2. Prevent an angry or volatile situation, (if in fact he is given to this kind of behavior)......
or send it to him.............

Then, stick to your guns. If carried out in this manner, you will absolutely see his "true colors" and what his intent is; as a father and a man. It will be much like weeding a garden. Be prepared for the chance that you may get answers that may make you sad or uncomfortable.
You could set up a visitation schedule. Make it simple and realistic, if he has to come to your home to visit your baby, then make yourself busy while he is doing so. (This will allow you to see why he is visiting). It is very important that you examine your own behaviors and motivations. Ask yourself why are you currently allowing him to visit this way/ treat you and your child in this manner? Within the answer to that question, you will find the answer to the entire situation!
If you accept "crumb's" for your child, you are and will be teaching your child to accept the "crumb's" in life, and likewise you too are accepting "crumb's" You have an obligation to yourself and to your child to ask for, and receive the entire CAKE!
Your being a woman and not living with him, absolutely does not mean he gets to be a "whenever he wants" dad!........ until your child is much older only you can define what type of father he gets to be! You are already the one with the power, now tap in to it and use it. I am not saying deny him his child, simply set up a concrete visitation schedule, make it easy on him, something like: Thursday evenings for a couple hours, and all day on Sundays, (You can plan to eventually have him visit with her at a neutral location, perhaps a friend or relative that you trust) then set back and see what happens. Be kind, and behave in a neutral manner, try not to make it an anger thing or a control issue. If he shows up at a time, or day that is not the scheduled day. DO NOT allow him to visit her at this time, period. This will only work if you are strong and concrete. Especially important for you will be to keep yourself from making this time that he has with the baby, be about "you" at any level, do not allow it to be a time to discuss relationship issues between you and he, or financial responsibilities. If he initiates conversation headed in any direction other than the progress and well being of your baby, steer him in another direction....or be direct and pleasant, and tell him you want his visitation time to be about your daughter, and nothing more, you don't want to cloud issues. If he wants to discuss other things you will need to do that at a seperate and planned for time, preferably without the baby, get a sitter. You are completely within your rights. Allow space in your agreement for him to request other times, for special events, or even give him the opportunity to choose the days. (Allowing him some power of his own will likely make him less likely to behave defensively)

I am truly telling you this from experience, this advice, if taken will help you immensely! Wishing you well. BE strong!
From: "Only takes the whole cake in Ohio!"
......and yes you can get help from the court, all states have a schedule of visitation rights.....but think long and hard before you take this step, as in formalizing visitation will also likely include establishing child support (do you need it? or can you do without?....) and more importantly "up" his rights as a parent, which will, as your daughter grows older allow him visitation wherever (location) he likes, unless you can prove that he is actually unfit, in which case you must ask yourself ; is it worth the energy and effort? If he is really unfit and living an undesirable lifestyle, you are way better off to cut your losses, and scrape him off the bottom of your shoe like some dog sh**
Sorry for such a lengthly response...your topic struck a nerve!

Answer 6

Go to court and have visitation times set up. If he abides by them, then great, he cares about his daughter. If he doesn't, then that's on him. If you haven't asked for child support and/or if he isn't paying any to you, add that in there too.

Answer 7

You can still go to the courts and have visitations set up. Have it ordered that he must call first. Don't let him get away with what he is doing..

Answer 8

Girl sounds like a typical man, you need to sit down and talk with him and let him know that something needs to change.... You are a woman and a mother and he needs to respect that. Life is too short to be dealing with drama. Set your ground rules girl, he can like it or leave it.

Good luck

Answer 9

get supervised arranged visits through the court only. change the locks and make sure you file for child support.

Answer 10

Move or just tell him that you want to make arraingements ahead of time. Or change the locks, and your number.