Only SERIOUS responses from people actually in relationships, please...?

Question

My husband and I will be celebrating our 6th anniversary on the 18th. We've been together nearly 7 years and I do love him. But I am SOOO very tired of him acting like he's 16. He can't find and keep a job, so he works for himself (home repair), but then takes forever doing jobs he's underpriced (so he doesn't make much) which leaves me as breadwinner. Furthermore, he keeps getting in trouble for stupid things like driving w/o a license & will be looking @ 4 months in jail if he doesn't come up with the $ for a lawyer & to pay off about 4 tickets. We don't have kids (found out from doctor it's b/c of him even though I spent several years thinking it was my fault), no true motivation to do anything except TV and PC games... I could go on. But there are things that he does which are sweet. He took care of me when I was sick, will help clean, can be real funny. But w/ everything else mentioned, I feel like I'm with a child. Am I wasting time? Any suggestions of how to help him GROW UP?

Answer 1

First of all it's going to take about 10 years for both of you to figure out how to "be" married to each other. Secondly, I'd strongly recommend some type of counseling. Assuming you're an average couple who are in terms of personality, are nearly opposites, it sounds to me like his floundering/immaturity may be more of a personality trait than a character flaw. I've known many couples over the years -still happily married- where the wife assumed the role of breadwinner while the husband did more domestic stuff and nurtured the kids because he wasn't as ambitious as the wife and was periodically unemployed. None of these men were "dumb" or even immature, they just moved to the beat of a different drum and their marriages found a way to accomodate the differences. The way you are, the way you do things, (which may seem perfectly obvious and correct to you) isn't necessarily the way he does things. The license issues, yes, that's immature. But the career/money-earning may be more of who he is. Counseling, with a trained professional who can be objective will help much better in nudging both of you towards a healthy center and balanced relationship as well as helping you both grow and mature in your marriage. Counseling will also help unearth other hidden issues that may be the real reason for the dissatisfaction you're feeling right now. Sometimes we disguise what's really bugging us by expressing annoyance over something else entirely. Lastly, you should definitely COMMUNICATE with your husband about how you're feeling. If the first time doesn't go well, try again and seek out a counselor. I speak from experience AND as the former "kid" in my own marriage. The lesson that saved our marriage was learning to allow the other person the freedom to be ourselves -even to the point of allowing each other to change what we needed to change- and bring our gifts to the table to share. My husband brings order and financial responsibility to the family. I bring nurture and fun. (Our kids will tell you that together we make a complete person.) ALL OF THIS GROWTH ON BOTH SIDES TOOK SEVERAL PAINFUL YEARS TO ACCOMPLISH so there won't be any quick fixes. Finally, do not underestimate his sensitivity when you're sick, his humor and his willingness to help around the house. My husband is a very "nice" guy, but like a lot of guys, he's missing the whole empathy chip. I can be throwing up my guts, just out of the hospital from having a baby, or running a 103 temp from pneumonia and he'll still stand in the doorway and say, "Do you feel like cooking dinner?" Some of the qualities you mentioned other women would kill to have in their husbands.

Answer 2

Wow, this is a tough issue you are having. I guess you have to ask yourself what do you want the most in a relationship. Your husband is undoubtedly caring towards you. But at the same time, he cannot provide you with financial security nor any realistic expectation into the future. We leave aside the issue of having children. Can you see yourself happy in your next 5, 10, 20 years? What do you really want and can your husband provide it for you (I don't mean too materialistic things).

Also, have you ever communicate your dissatisfaction with him. How did he react to your concerns? If you have not, I suggest that you have a heart to heart talk about the future with this man. After that give him sometime to react to your concerns. If he is still unrepentant, You may want to give him an ultimatum, either he finds a job and works there for the rest of his life or he can find himself a new wife.

Answer 3

we can not change anyone, in fact my experience has taught me that it is usualy very difficult to change ourselves. My best advice to you would be to forget about changing him or anyone else for that matter and focus on your own happiness, for once you have that people can be who ever they are without disrupting your peace.

I do not know this for sure because you did not say, but I would have to assume that he is basically the same person that you married 7 years ago and though you have grown in a particular direction he has not, that doesn't make him better or worse then you only in a different place. perhaps the reason you find him so funny is because he sees life from a different perspective then you do. what ever the case may be, love him for who he is, never expect him to be what he is not 9for this will only lead to disapointment), and perhaps most important seek your hapiness within first and all will work towards the good.

Answer 4

first of all YOU ARE NOT part of the problem..Because you are trying to find a solution.. Love is blind.. you have feelings for the guy.. that's natural..Second thing..there is no such thing as "never being able to find someone else" that is just a slogan for others to say when they want to put someone down... I am proud of you for getting up every morning and going to work weather you want to or not and for reaching out and asking for advice.. Here goes... He sounds like he is lazy and wants you to foot the bill... try to hold back and don't buy to much that he notices you are spending.. start stashing some cash for a vacation without him knowing.. once he sees you are struggling he will either help out if he loves you.. or he will leave..

Answer 5

for one thing what he is doing is emotional and economic abuse. he is drainging you emotional and finacially. He needs to grow up. maybe it is a good thing that you don't have kids. One thing that I would suggest is that if he doesn't start helping with the bills that he needs to go live somewhere else for a while. don't buy anything for him like if he smokes or drinks, don't pay for that, don't pay for gas in the car for him, and start living like you are single agian( not the dating part) but start treating him like a roomate that needs to help out more. My husband works and helps around the house. he is only 22 and acts more mature then my ex husband did when he was 26. A real man takes care of what he needs to take care of. If you feel like you are married to a child, then give him the ultimatum of grow up or your gone. life is too short to waste on a grown child.

Answer 6

Well, it seems as if you already have a child...your husband.

I think you that after 6 years of marriage you have to ask yourself this question...
"Am I willing to continue being the main breadwinner
in order to support a man who although he can be sweet and funny at times, shows absolutely no ambition and has no desire to grow up?"

When you know the answer to that question, then you'll be able to make a decision. I knew someone who was married to a similar type of man. She eventually left him and married someone else.
That was over 15 years ago, and to this day, her
ex-husband still has not grown-up.

Good Luck*

Answer 7

I'm sorry to say this but your husband it a lazy parasite. Either he gets his act together or boot him out of the house. Sounds to me like this guy will never change. Sure he did some nice things for you but hey, enough is enough. You are better off alone than being dragged down by your husband. Good luck.

Answer 8

Awww sweetie, It is called TOUGH LOVE... Quit being his MOM..
You are allowing him to be like this.. Yes you are. Tell his parents, tell your parents, tell his siblings, tell your siblings, Quit covering for him.. Quit carrying the load. It is only (in the long run) damage this marriage.

Would you let your Brother or sister or cousin move in and lay around playing games and watch TV while you pay for everything? Then why are you doing it with him?

If you are paying for everything he will be very content to let you..

He soooo needs to be allowed to grow up. There are bills to pay and you need to hand them to him and tell him to pay them.. It will NOT be easy, But apparently his parents didn`t complete raising him and now you are gonna have to do it..

He sounds like a great YOUNG guy.. But you are gonna have to let him find the husband in there.. The man. He is in there.. If the lights get turned off, He won`t have TV or Video games. If the water gets turned off, He won`t be able to take a bath or a glass of tea.

If the gas gets turned off those baths are gonna be in cold water.

If you get evicted, He isn`t gonna like sleeping in the car..

Stop enabling him to be a little boy...

God bless & Hugs from Texas. {:-)
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Answer 9

My advice is to explain to him what you're feeling. He is never going to know you want to see a change in him unless you talk. This is why I think pre-marital counseling is so important. You get to explain exactly what your expectations are and also what they expect of you BEFORE you're married. Also, six years is a very long time to put up with this behavior. You should be able to voice any concerns in your marriage as they occur. I don't think you should take any drastic measures becuase he sounds like a very nice guy. And keep in mind that he can't be what you want him to be unless you tell him.

Answer 10

You seem pretty cool,patient and understanding re;your youngster husband , is he the cowboy type as well? Either way I think this will pass but in the long run your man better deep down love you. I hope he shows it alot , eventhough he's a bit lazy! There seems to be a strong something going on w/u2.