I cried when my dog died, but not when my father died. Is that crazy or wrong?

Question

My dog, a rottweiler named Max, died 5 years ago when I was 26 years old. He had what the vet said was a degenerative nervous system disorder and had to be put asleep. I cried at home later that day. The next day, I watched my father who was suffering from cancer, die while on a respirator hours after going into cardiac arrest and into a coma. I didn't cry about his death ever. Some reason I felt more attached to Max than to my father. That dog was my best friend. We played together a lot and he was always happy to see me. My father always kept to himself, was in a bad mood, and ate dinner and watched TV in his room away from the rest of the family. Although he did pay the bills, I did not feel close to him at all. Is it sick or wrong though to value the relationship of a dog more than that with one's father?

Answer 1

You've got some sympathetic and pretty good answers here. I'd add another facet and say that it may be "sick" to lack love for a parent, in the same way that it's unhealthy to bleed a lot when you've been stabbed. In other words, lack of feeling for a parent may be completely appropriate to a sick situation: the parent's starving and defeating his child's desire and ability to love him. It may be psychologically true that a child has an original instinct of love for his caregivers. A child's love is hard to kill. We know that many children continue to love, or at least desperately need, even the most abusive parents. So it is quite a feat when a parent so pains his child that the child must emotionally shut down, turn off and turn away from the parent. It's not healthy, but it's not your fault.

Love of a pet can be replete with strange psychological meaning. Here's an example: It's said in the psych literature that some women who were sexually abused as children may grow up to have contempt for themselves (for the "inner child"), may come to have no tender feelings for the hurt girl they were -- but they will pick up every stray cat or dog they come across. This is called "projection" -- the split-off (buried, repressed) pain they can't allow themselves to feel for their own tragedy is projected outward into the world; in this case, projected onto other weak, innocent, defenseless, lost little creatures -- symbols of themselves. (We wonder if these are those eccentric "cat ladies" who have 37 cats in some dilapidated trailer.)

Animals are frequently "containers" for our projections; and there are many kinds of feelings we may have buried in ourselves, that get projected into our beloved pet. Plus, other writers here are also correct, in that we respond with love to the pure love and being seen (feeling visible and understood) by our pet.

In sum, you are OK to feel or not feel for your father. There is sickness there -- the sort that results from your being a victim of an impaired parent.

Answer 2

Not crazy, or wrong.
Dogs are so loyal and honest, and innocent. How could you not love and respect them. I’m sure it was hard to see your friend go. I still miss pets that have been gone for years. Some people, (my father is also a good example), are not well emotionally connected, or quite so deserving of our sympathy. Also sometimes when people are in a bad way it really is better for them to check out, and stop suffering, so I wouldn’t judge your feelings by comparing the two that way. Sounds like Max was more of a friend.

Answer 3

That is quite a bit to deal with, I am very sorry about Max and also your father. I agree with most of the advice/answers you've received. The love of animals is just SO very unconditional, like that of a child, all they want to do is please you and for you to love them. You cannot let your pet down because of a bad grade or such thing. However, with our parents, the love should be unconditional, but that doesn't mean that they cannot be disappointed in us to such a degree that we feel awful. I believe that you knew it was for the best for your father, deep down, since he had cancer - it's not like this was a sudden and shocking death. I do understand why you might feel guilty, but don't do that to yourself. Everyone handles death differently. Oh, and just for the record, I've cried more for my pets than for the many relatives that I have truly loved and lost. I hope this helps in some small way...

Answer 4

It means that the dog was there for you when your father wasn't

Although your father's demise was tragic, what was he like when he was alive.

Was he a father, guiding you through the vageries of life with a firm but caring hand, or was it just some guy who lived in the house, with endless arguments and the sense that anything you did was always insufficient?

Did you dog ever say you were worthless, or you dress like a homeless person or that you go up to bed without any dinner?

Dogs give unconditional love. If only your father understood that.

Answer 5

Don't feel guilty. You may have had the understandably feeling that it was best that your father die because he was suffering from an incurable disease. And you weren't very close.
The dog's death came as more of a surprise and you were close to him.
However, be warned that sometime later in life, the death of your father may hit you like a ton of bricks. You will have a delayed reaction. No one loses a parent without having some problem later.

Answer 6

no. not really. if you truly felt closer to a dog than your father, then your father just wasn’t trying to be a part of your life.

the only reason why my husband cried when his father died back in 2002 was because he'd never get to know a father that wasn’t drunk. my husband can count on one hand, the number of memories he has of his father sober. he drank heavily, they couldn’t pay the bills where he drank all the money. the sad thing is, he made enough money his family could have lived in a very nice house, instead they lived in a single wide out in the middle of nowhere, hours away from any major city.

his father worked on a boat for the local power company, he would be gone for weeks at a time, and would get his fix with cough syrup. when he got home, he'd be home for a couple weeks, not having to go anywhere, or do anything FOR WEEKS. this was awful. about 3 cases of beer in him, and he'd have this alter personality about him. he could carry conversations with himself, and my mother-in-law swears the 2nd personality hardly had his fathers voice. she thought it sounded so much like another person. it was very scary. of course it was only him and himself, but i can see why it might have bothered them. he died a pretty horrible death. all that alcohol poisoning got to him. allot of his bodily organs started to shut down, and then they discovered gangrene growing on his colon.

Answer 7

NOT crazy...NOT wrong... I had to put my Ebony down a year ago, after 16 yrs of unconditional love. I cried my heart out, and still think of her. A terrier mix that I acquired via the local animal shelter. Got her when she was 8 wks.
Didnt shed a tear for the man who was my father. Nor did I feel any loss at all. He was as mean as anyone could be, and physically abused my mother.

Answer 8

Honey, I had to put my beloved Muffin down in 1989, and 17 years later I still tear up! My husband and that i misplaced our "boy" two years in the past...A Shepherd Collie combine we known as Alex. We had him for 13 years...He was once our first "baby" and he helped raise our two daughters. He was soooo protective. No longer only do I get teary, so does my husband. Do you have a brand new dog now? Possibly it is time. I'll guess your "historic" dog would want you to offer a different pooch a good home! Do not suppose you are extraordinary for the reason that you still cry; you just loved your doggie very very so much.

Answer 9

Honey, I needed to positioned my liked Muffin down in 1989, and 17 years later I nonetheless tear up! My husband and I misplaced our "boy" 2 years in the past...a Shepherd Collie combine we known as Alex. We had him for thirteen years...he was once our first "baby" and he helped lift our 2 daughters. He was once soooo protecting. Not handiest do I get teary, so does my husband. Do you could have a brand new puppy now? Maybe it is time. I'll guess your "ancient" puppy might desire you to provide a further pooch a well house! Don't suppose you are uncommon in view that you continue to cry; you simply adored your doggie very very a lot.

Answer 10

I cried for days when my dog passed away. My brother died 6 months ago I cried about 2 minutes. It doesn't matter. We all grieve in our way. Don't beat yourself up over it. I am sure your Dad wouldn't want you worrying about it