does anyone know any new chuck norris jokes?

Answer 1

Here's a whole bunch.... if you want a ton more send me a message =]


1.Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, but deflecting them, JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face

31. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

32. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

33. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

34. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

35. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

36. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

37. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

38. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
fist.

39. In "Way of the Dragon", Bruce Lee pulls out Chuck Norris's chest hair
by the roots. Bruce Lee is dead.

40. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

41. Chuck Norris flew back in time using a secret technique taught to him by Bruce Lee. There he roundhouse kicked Leonardo da Vinci and stole his plans to a machine Leonardo has been working on his whole life.
That machine was the total gym.

42. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

41. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

43. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris
replied, "That's no glitch."

44. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been
known to last for up to 15 days.

45. Chuck Norris ate a rubiks cube and pooped it out solved.
46. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

47. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

48. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

49. Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He
has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke
out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.

50. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the
face that day.

51. The roundhouse kick has been proven to be more deady than kryptonite.
The Death of Superman? Yeah, that was from Chuck Norris.

52. Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns.

53. Chuck Norris is the only one ever in history to stare Medusa straight
in the eyes and not be turned to stone. The result was Roseanne Bar.

54. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.


55. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

56. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

57. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris

58. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

59. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

60. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

61. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

62. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

63. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

64. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ******* Indian.

65. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

66. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

67. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO.

68. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

69. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

*70. Chuck Norris is the only man that can get another man pregnant.

71. Chuck Norris ended the last Ice Age with one large explosive flatulence. He has since been cited by several scientists to be the leading cause of Global Warming.

*72. Chuck Norris once had a cough; it caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.

*73. Chuck Norris ate Mike Tyson's children.

*74. There were originally 11 commandments, but Chuck Norris didn't like the last one.

*75. The Hulk turns back into Bruce Banner when he sees Chuck Norris.

*76. God did not orginally create man with facial hair, Chuck Norris simply willed it.

*77. The Hulk is one of Chuck Norris's boogers.

*78. Chuck Norris is sitting on a couch with a girl. She says "lets go have a little fun if ya know what I mean". He says, all right, whats your favorite position? She says, surprise me..He roundhouse kicks her in the face and she hits the floor unconscious. Chuck says, Spread Eagle.

79. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

80. Anacondas aren't actually snakes but are in fact Chuck Norris sperm cells

81. Chuck Norris eats fear and craps golden statues of himself

82. The reason Zeus and Odin both have beards is because they are both indeed Chuck Norris

83. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the dodo into extinction

84. When asked about the missing nose of the sphinx Chuck Norris replied "My roundhouse kicks do good work"

85. Chuck Norris once had a hemorrhoid. These two words got rid of it : Roundhouse and kick

86. Chuck Norris has molten lead instead of normal blood

87. Chuck Norris once walked into a bank and sneezed, A woman got pregnant.

88. Chuck Norris Is Gods apology for the Holocaust

89. Chuck Norris Once Ripped Out His Grandmothers Throat For Forgetting His Favorite Pie At Chirstsmas, Shortly After Norris Found Out She Was Playing a Joke On Him And Had Actually Brought The Pie, Norris Ressurected His Dead Grandmother By Round House Kicking Jesus.

89. Chuck Norris Also Played The Black Guy in Walker Texas Ranger

90. If You Have 5 Dollars And Chuck Norris Has 5 Dollars... Chuck Norris Has More Money Than You

91. Chuck Norris Sold a Clone of Himself To All The Surrounding Countries Just Incase Germany Decided To Get Crazy Again

92. Whos Better Chuck Norris Or God? Trick Question Chuck Norris Is God

93. When Observing a Roundhouse Kick By Chuck Norris One Finds That Chuck Norris Actually Rapes His Victim In The ***, Smokes a Cigarette with Dennis Leary, And Then Roundhouse Kicks His Target.

94. Chuck Norris is What Willis Was Talking About

95. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

96. If you look at Chuck Norris while he is smiling, your entire family will get AIDS

97. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

98. Chuck Norris found some English bastards telling jokes about him. He proceded to wait three years, storing all his roundhouse kinetic energy. The blast from the kick disrupted the balance of nature, slowly killing half of Europe. We today know it as the Black Plague

99. Chuck Norris is the reason there is no Santa

100. Near the end of World War II, Chuck Norris was drinking in a bar in Hiroshima when someone accidentally spilled a drop of beer on one of his cowboy boots. Moments later, everything within several miles was instantly vaporized.

101. If your train leaves the station in Chicago at 3p.m. heading to New York at 50 miles per hour, and Chuck Norris begins at that same time to run from New York to Chicago on the same track going 20 miles per hour, how many miles away from your destination does your train experience a roundhouse kick-induced derailment?

102. The kinetic energy generated by a single Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is enough to power Los Angeles for a little over two years.

103. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.


104. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

105. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.


106. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

107. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.


108. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.


109. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.


110. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.


111. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.


112. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.


113. Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.


114. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

115. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)


116. Chuck Norris house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

117. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.


118. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.


119. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".


120. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.


121. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

122. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

123. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.


124. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

125. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

126. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

127. Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.


128. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

129. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

130. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."


131. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.


132. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.


133. Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.


134. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score a 1600.

135. When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

136. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

137. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

138. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

139. Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

140. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

141. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

142. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

143. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

144. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his *** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

145. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

146. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

147. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

148. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.

149. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.


150. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

151. Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.


152. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

153. The President was lying about the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Everyone knows Chuck Norris has never lived there.

154. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

155. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

156. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

157. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

158. Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

159. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

160. Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Answer 2

My favourites Q: If Superman and the Flash race to the end of the earth who would win? A: Chuck Norris Q:What beats rock, paper and scissors all at once? A:Chuck Norris Q:Chuck Norris once got a bear Pregnant by just starring at it. A:It was a male bear Q:Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC. A:Claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Answer 3

No. I don't know any new Chuck Norris jokes. I don't see why people are so amused by the jokes anyways. Some of them are not even funny. Some of them are absurd.

Answer 4

I didn't know there were old ones. Tell me some. Seriously. I don't know of any jokes about Chuck Norris. But, if I hear any, I'll run them by the Chuckster and tell him where I got them.

Answer 5

My favorite is: Did you hear that Chuck Norris is suing NBC stating that "Law & Order" are the names of his right and left legs?
Also... Chuck Norris invented the C-section. He did a roundhouse kick right out of his mommas belly!!!

Answer 6

Why would you want to joke about him? He's great!

Answer 7

My favorite.... Chuck Norris CAN touch MC Hammer



1. If you want to send Chuck Norris a letter, just write “Chuck Norris” on the envelope and drop it in any mailbox. Don’t worry; he’ll get it.

2. The “C-section” is named after Chuck Norris, for when he roundhouse kicked himself through his mother’s stomach.

3. Chuck Norris fought and won a battle at the Red Sea, which was originally a blue sea.

4. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

5. Chuck Norris puts the fun in funerals.


6. Chuck Norris makes his internal organs pay rent.

7. Chuck Norris eats coal and poops diamonds.

8. The last child who dressed up as Chuck Norris for Halloween came home with three dozen 5-course gourmet meals, a 200 foot square block of the purest gold, and four human sacrifices. ( Editor’s note: I know who I am dressing up as for Halloween)

9. According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you into yesterday.

10. Lemmings run off cliffs because of Chuck Norris.

11. Trains stop at a Chuck Norris crossing.

12. Chuck Norrises’ laundry sorts itself.

13. The fences at the zoo are to keep the animals safe from Chuck Norris.

14. At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris

Selected Classic Chuck Norris Jokes

1. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

2. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

3. Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris has never cried.

4. Whenever Chuck Norris’s wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.












Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When you open a can of whoop-***, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate a ******* Indian.

On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split
open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't ******* think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Each individual hair in Chuck Norris' beard has a beard of its own.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't pluck up the courage to tell him
Chuck Norris once knocked out Mike Tyson in a bare knuckle boxing match... with both hands tied behind his back.
chuck norris frequently signs up for beginners karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh*t out of little kids.
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out fully solved.
Chuck Norris is said to have roundhouse kicked a McDonald's so hard that it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris is where babies come from.
Chuck Norris invented a language that uses kicks and punches. So if he kicks your ***, don't take it personally. He may just be trying to say that he likes your hat.
When the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.
Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as foreceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com
The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris’ penis.
Chuck Norris eats pieces of metal for breafast and shits out a tool shed at lunch.
Chuck Norris also played the Black guy in Walker Texas Ranger.
Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start with a lighter weight and work his way up.

Chuck Norris masterbates with a sledgehammer.

Sonic booms are really Chuck Norris’s orgasms.
Godiva chocolate is made out of Chuck Norris’s ****.
The foreskin from Chuck Norris’s penis is used to cover Yankee Stadium when it rains.
When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. he then procedes to **** all the girls in the stadium with his beard.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.