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We've been together for 12yrs has a 4yr old. He got a better job offer abroad over a yr. I found out after he left.Up to that point we were absoultely crazy about each other. There was never a "sex issue" between us. He confessed after been confronted with incriminating evidence by me, that he slept with one of his female friends, not once but twice, (well at least that what he says). This girl knows me, not to talk to ofcourse, but knew his family life. My first reaction was "I am thro with his a**!", but the history that we had, our 4yr old, our future plans and my church encouraged me to forgive him and save our marriage. I have tried for this long to but I am beginning to fall apart. He is pleading with me not to leave him and says that the affair was just for ego&sex. I hate talking to him when he calls, i dont go to church anymore, I am depressed and is considering a furture w/out him. I am working f/time, goes to school,building a home & caring our 4yr old
What should i do ?

2006-07-07 14:56:24 · 14 answers · asked by sharletweb 1 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

Guys, thank you for ur overwhelming responses, I have gotten some great advise that I am gonna follow up on.

Hunnylashes ur experience and mine are somewhat similar, is it possible for us to IM each other?

2006-07-07 17:52:23 · update #1

14 answers

i am sorry this has turned your life upside down. i can really relate.

you feel like you have been played the fool. he had that intimate connection with someone else. he was thousands of miles away and you couldn't have fought for him if you wanted to. you feel shipwrecked. you have no idea how to go on as a single person. you want to forgive him and believe him but every time you think about it you get "piss and vinegar" mad.

you have to decide, regardless of ego or hurt feelings, what you want out of the relationship for the long haul. you are faced with moving on, starting fresh with someone new who you have no baggage with. the other option is making it work in your current relationship. how valuable is 12 years time, a 4 year old, and 5 years of marriage to you? if you are like me this is the only real love you have ever known.

Paying for counseling is an important step. i have been to well meaning pastors in the past and they by in large are just taking a WAG (wild a*s guess) at any situation you put in front of them. a professional counselor has the tools to deal with what is going on inside of you. you can't make your husband go to counseling and i wouldn't encourage it until you know what you want to do. pick a seperate counselor to go to with him or he will feel that the original one is constantly taking "your side".

Vent about how bad your spouse is to other women. there is nothing as cleansing as talking trash to someone of the same sex about how bad the other sex is.

Don't feel like you are better than him. we are all made of flesh and temptations are well tempting.

you are welcome to IM me about this issue.

2006-07-07 15:31:16 · answer #1 · answered by thom 4 · 0 0

I would say start going back to church first and give this to God. Second, you have not forgiven him. Without you forgiving him, it will destroy you and the marriage. Sorry, but it's all up to you. Just remember, we ALL make mistakes, and cheating is one of them. Think about all the things that God forgives each and everyone of us for each day. As humans, we can't seem to do that and we let it destroy our lives, our marriages. Why not go to counseling so that you can voice how you feel about the situation to a person that is qualified to tell you how to deal with your feelings. Sounds like your husband is sorry and wants your forgiveness, but.... can you give it? Until you can do that, nothing will be resolved. Forgiveness is hard, but people do it everyday. Think about the shows you have seen on TV where a family has forgiven the person responsible for killing their child drinking and driving. Just an example of forgiveness. It will eat you alive if you don't forgive him. Think of your life and living it like this.. Good luck and bless you and your husband. I hope it will all work out for the both of you no matter what you choose to do.

2006-07-07 22:22:32 · answer #2 · answered by older&wiserforit 4 · 0 0

Since he cheated on you I think that there is no way to ever trust him again. Why should he change his ways? It's not in him to be monogamous or it wouldn't have happened in the first place. There are zillions of guys in the world that would not be stupid about this. You could give it another try with this guy but I suspect you will be disappointed and hurt again. Find someone that will love you, and love you alone.

2006-07-07 22:07:49 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

I think you should work through the problems but you can't do it alone. He needs to be home with you. Even if he has a better job elsewhere. Your marriage and child are more important than money. He needs to come home and you both need to see a marriage counselor.

2006-07-07 22:01:50 · answer #4 · answered by wdg00 2 · 0 0

You have been betrayed. I don't care what your church says. All this time you have been living with the assumption that you are building a family with this person when in reality he is just ******* around. Move on and have some happiness in your life.

2006-07-07 22:04:33 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

I think that he not only needs to quit this job but he also needs to put as much effort as you are to save this marriage especially because it is his fault. If he is not willing to do this for you then sorry it's over. Keep praying for God's guidance and stay strong. How do you know if he is being faithfuol or not.

2006-07-07 22:02:36 · answer #6 · answered by joannaK 3 · 0 0

Leave, he cheated on you several times and broke his marriage vows. If the church people had any sense, they would know you have religious grounds to divorce his cheating ***.

2006-07-07 22:15:56 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

if you took him back, i think it would be hard for you to trust him. even if he never cheated again, in the back of your mind, you would wonder. if i were you, i would focus on you and your 4 yr old. go with your instinct! god has a plan for you and your child with or without him.

2006-07-07 22:21:14 · answer #8 · answered by sweetthang 3 · 0 0

been there and still is i hate him i want let him touch me we share a name and mail box thats it we 2 kids and they hate him for what he has done to all of us. i just cant leave iam going to school to get a better job so i can kick his *** out the door

2006-07-07 22:08:57 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

it sounds like you answered your own question. if marriage is killing you...slowly...get out! better to show your child what a strong women you can be and how you won't allow yourself to be treated. if you can't imagine life without him, then swallow your own pride and forgive him and move on...you are responsible for your own feelings...even if he is "making" you feel a certain way, it is you who is allowing yourself to feel that way.

2006-07-07 22:16:23 · answer #10 · answered by dooders90 3 · 0 0

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