Love my man, not being a step-mom?

Question

I have been with my man for 6.5 years. His daughter is 7, we recently got custody of her because her mom is a drug addict and is now in prison. We always spent time with her growing up but now more and more she is getting on my nerves; that she is around all the time and bugging and comes to me rather than her dad for everything, she doesnt listen, has no respect, no common sense. Him and I talk about it but it is hard when we have only had her a year. I will not discipline her because she is not mine. Mainly if she was my kid, she would not be the way she is because she would've been raised differently. I want to be able to love her and be a good role model for her, and accept her for who and what she is, but it is so hard when I know that she was conceived by someone that is so sickening.
She is not mine. Should him and I have a child of our own as well, or do we just try to fix her and give her the family environment she always needed and if so HOW DO I DO IT AND KEEP MY SANITY!

he tried to get her (save her) years ago, it took this long going though the courts and paying thousands of dollars. Finally the mom got caught and the courts came to their senses.

I do not hate her...I simply do not want to be short with her or get so frustrated and feel like I would rather not do it at all. It is getting harder rather than easier and I dont know what to do about it.

Answer 1

You mentioned the girls sorry mamma so much and made it clear that you resent the girl. Since you are committed to her father, who you knew had a daughter and now she is looking up to you, do your best to do what all parents must do: BE A LEADER and a COMFORT for that child. She NEEDS you. Kids get on parents nerves, step or not. Train her up and you may not see changes right away, but if you are diligent she will get to be a blessing and a joy to you. I'm sure she has some respect, some common sense and listens at least a little. You are going to pick apart every thing the child does until you ACCEPT HER AS she is, girl!! She WASN'T your kid, she WASN'T raised differently. Okay. AND? Get OVER that. You have a huge job and a huge responsibility and you've got to be the BIG BRAVE WOMAN about it darling. Stop thinking of how she was conceived! Stop being sickened by where and who she came from. Ask God to create in you a clean heart and renew a right spirit within you (Psalms 51:10) and to GIVE YOU STRENGTH! This has been a hard year (my family is blended too, so I know EXACTLY what it must have been like!) but times are going to get better... little by little. Hang in there and try to learn the meaning of and exemplify UNCONDITIONAL love. Your DAUGHTER will be the girl you want her to be. But love her right where she is. Need more, feel free to contact me. [e-mail]

Answer 2

Hi, I think you will have to learn try to love her. Kids usually like to bug people especially if she likes the person. She is trying to get attention from you, which perhaps her biological mother has not given her much, or perhaps never.... You must remember, her brought up is different, but you must be glad that your man has got custody of her when she is 7, not 17, that will even be the worse age for you to teach her. If you do not discipline her, who will. If not, when she grows up, you might not even keep your sanity. You should be able to be a good role model since many ways she behaves put you off, so that must make you really someone who has got a better grip of good manners. You dont fix her, you must coach her. Take away the hatred, you sounds like you really hate her. Remember, its hard for her to adapt to the new environment. Give her and yourself some time. If you have a child of your own, you will start to dislike her even more because during pregnancy, you will still have to take care of her. Solve the problem now, rather than feeling the hate.....

Answer 3

you are the positive female role model for this child. please take your role seriously.

learn to deal with her. i think it is a compliment that she comes to you instead of her dad.

of course she doesn't listen or have respect or common sense, her mother was a drug addict.

tell your husband that the family may outside help.
perhaps you can go to some parenting classes. i am sure there are support groups for step parents.

you can do this, you have to.

if you read some of the questions these girls put on this site you will understand what i am saying. this child needs you.

if you are the mother now you need to discipline her.
children need and want discipline, that is why so many children act out, they are crying for help.

i wish i knew you so i could help you through this tough time. i will say a prayer for you. you can do this.

remember this child has been through alot. she isn't use to a normal life. you may be her only chance to grow up right.

Answer 4

it's a tough question...
i don't think it's a good time to have a child of your own when you don't have a good relationship with the girl. it'd be much harder for you to try to love her when you have your own baby and she'll be feeling isolated. what would you think a 7-yr-old (or 8 by then) would do when he/she's feeling neglected? she would be very unhappy (sad. she's just a little girl afterall.) and become more annoying trying to get your attention. it'd be hard to bring back harmony to your family.
besides, parenting is never easy. don't say for sure that your child will not be like that because he/she will be raised differently. Every parent was confident about their parenting skills before their child was born. in fact, it's a big challenge raising a kid and there are many things to learn.
try to love the girl as if she was yours & get advice from experts or social workers.

Answer 5

First of all you can't love your husband and not love his daughter. The child can't help who her parents are. It is not easy but her coming to you instead of her dad is showing you that she is reaching out for that mother bond. But you also need to remind her that her mom is sick but loves her very much and maybe one day she will get better. There is no telling what she has seen or been around and you can't fix in 1 year what she saw or lived for the rest of the time. Give her unconditional love , your patience and limits. Even if you are the step-mom she needs to know there are boundaries and limits and consequences for everything you do be it good or bad. Don't talk down to her. Talk to her and listen to her. She needs to know that all her family loves her but she has to have respect shown to her maybe she doesn't know or was never shown respect. Simply let her know the first time she does something she is not supposed to the that it is not acceptable behavior and it will not be tolerated. After that when she misbehaves discipline her with lose of a priviledge . You have to shop around for what gets to her the most but if you argue with her she has one . She is probably very insecure and scared. Give her time and compromise to an extent. And don't let her know that you are having issues with your feelings for her because she will be able to sense that. And Dad should back you and you he. Good luck I have been there myself and after 4 years i am just getting some control with my 8 year old

Answer 6

If life have been elementary, we'd have a inhabitants problem... And a gaggle of chuffed human beings skipping down the rainbow streets with unicorns dancing on highway corners and a pile of weapons and medicines going up in rainbow flames and actual everyone may be chuffed making a music skipping human beings... *shudders* Guh, yet yeah life Sucks... after which you die. My suggestion to you? Wait till finally you're 18 then get a oneway flight to Australia!! Or Swedan.... Yeah... P.S. @David, you likely had a screwed up formative years, have been in penal complex, or are an ex druggie. yet what ever it quite is. you may desire to get a life! GOD isn't the respond! think of roughly it human beings! Are you gonna sit down around all of the time conversing incoherient prayers to an invisible, magical, guy interior the sky!?!?! GET OUT OF THE dark a protracted time! you particularly different than some sorceror to make aaaaall your problems pass away? human beings! Your preachings have made human beings dedicate sudicide by way of fact they think of heavens waiting!! it is like asserting 'Ooooh i think that the God Apollo drags the sunlight around the flat earth on a magic cheriot on a daily basis!'. Yeah, I easily have another fairy thoughts you are going to be able to desire to wanna seem into. Humpty dumpty is a sturdy one! And the classic Little purple driving Hood! whether it does have the little X rated area the place the huge undesirable wolf easily eats the grandmother. yet hey, i'm no longer asserting dont be Christian. purely asserting, %. your halucenation, and keep on with it. yet DONT attempt and RUB IT OFF ON US! Goodnight all human beings!!! ~Lauren, an Agnostic P.S.S. Oh and that i'm completely quoting the overdue great George Carlin here, Buuuuuuut! IF there's a 'God'... properly i'm nooooot inspired!!! we've human beings hungry on the streets, college shootings, druggies, murderers, kidnappings, wars, droughts famines, and the icecapades!!! that's not the artwork of a diety! it is the kind of artwork i might anticipate from an workplace temp with a foul innovations-set. If there quite grew to become right into a god, he'd'a been thrown out on his all powerfull *** a looooong time in the past!!

Answer 7

You need family counselling. You need to be able to learn to love this child for herself, it's not her fault that she had a rough start. Where was Dad when this little girl was being raised by a drug addict? He needs to accept some of the blame for her problems, he should have been looking out for her.

Answer 8

you just half to learn how to deal with her and pretend she is your kid to a certain extent. cuz she has probably had a rough life so far cuz of her mother