OK since so many people enjoyed reading the other poem I put up, here is a totally different one that I wrote! And YES these are truly 100% my work, btw. This one is free verse, and was written last winter when my sweetie and I were broken up for a while.
White Hole
and the thing of it is
I love you
and somehow being free
just means being smaller,
contracting in the cold
in a pale way,
light, whiter, whitest...
'til I am a negation,
walking through windows
and staring through walls
petals pursing curling furling
like the flag of some defeated
army of one, bloodlessly broken,
birch branch bones outlined eerily
through skin of mist and fog.
A portable ghost traveling through time,
I haunt my empty self, doubt
gnawing and nibbling at the fibers
of the shroud of faith I wear
to lend a familiar shape
to my non existence.
2006-07-07 12:50:16 · 5 answers · asked by cooperslassie 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
This is another one I would consider submitting to the poetry contest I am entereing, btw. What do you think?
2006-07-07 12:50:48 · update #1
Way to go, way to go. Keep it up!
I took the liberty of visiting your blog and I think you should start thinking of publishing your entire collection. Your poems are inspiring enough to be shared. Poe must be one of your mentors. You remind me of Poe's "Annabel Lee". You have his dreamy abstraction. I think you should learn precise & assertive language/imagery from Whitman. "Celebrate yourself".
2006-07-07 13:14:31 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 2⤋
I think you should consider changing a few words, since your current diction sort of made me get stuck while reading the poem aloud. For instance, when you say "petals pursing curling furling." It might seem like a good idea to end a lot of consecutive words with "ing," but it's really not. I actually did the same thing a lot when I first started out 8 years ago, but every time I went to see an editor, the first thing they'd say was "GET RID OF ALL THE ING ENDINGS!" If you're looking to get published, I'd consider doing that.
You're also using a lot of abstract ideas, like "through skin of mist and fog." That's another thing poetry editors really hate; they just want you to get to the point and be as concrete as you possibly can. For example, "skin of mist and fog" and "shroud of faith" don't offer any concrete imagery; they're very unclear lines. It would work great in a novel because you'd have a lot of time to develop your ideas, but as you probably know, with poetry you need to make a sudden impact and make sure that it's going to be memorable. That can't be achieved with vague imagery.
Hope any of this helps! :)
2006-07-07 13:39:01 · answer #2 · answered by flying.daggers 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
pretty good. poet myself. some people say who isn't a poet.
8 out of 10
2006-07-07 13:00:00 · answer #3 · answered by fairy.efranklin 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very deep. Keep at it, and you'll get even better. But I really liked the one you just posted.
2006-07-07 12:54:59 · answer #4 · answered by L-Rad 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should definitely enter it into a contest.
2006-07-07 12:54:03 · answer #5 · answered by laney_po 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋