Always better to have a father? I want my child to have a Dad, but at what cost?

Question

I have tried very hard to be kind and to work on making my daughter's father (an ex-boyfriend of mine) a part of her life. He lives in another State, but I send photos, videos, updates, try to visit, etc. I did not sue him for support, but he will pay trips if we go out to visit. But, I always am the one who plans the trips. Other than that, we never hear from him...not a "hello", "how is my daughter?", "thank you for all you do", nothing. Anything he knows about our daughter, is because of me. Last we saw him was 5 mos. ago and not a word since. He also has never made an effort to introduce her to his family (I did take her on my own to meet them, but she didn't get to meet everyone). I feel like he is ashamed of her or like he just doesn't care. I am so tired of his apathy and lack of concern for her. People say "oh, that's how men are." To me, that is the lamest excuse for poor behavior, indifference and does not justify bad parenting. Is it worth keeping him in her life?

We are both in our 30s, educated, with good careers, and our daughter is 2.5.

Answer 1

I can speak from experience in my own life that sometimes it is not always better for her real father to be in her life. My parents divorced when i was 4 and my father moved out. My sister and i would see my father every weekend then it started to become every now and then till it got to the point it took for my grandfathers death for us to be in the same room again and even then he didn't say anything to my sister or i. To ge to my point take him to court, even if you may not want to, he at least needs to pay for his part of your daughters expences. And you shouldn't have to pressure him into wanting to see his daughter. if he doesn't want to see his own daughter than keep it that way. When she gets older she will understand they things were the way they were and that she was better off with her mother that loves her and her father being out of the picture than having two parents that are always fighting.

Answer 2

I can't say I'm going through the same thing you are but I guess it's along the same lines. Also, I can't tell you what would be best for you and your daughter. All I can do is tell you my story and you can take from it what you want.

My son's father had a criminal history that I didn't know about until he got arrested when my son was almost 2. I, obviously, broke it off and moved back in with my parents. When he was released a year later I was open to letting him be a part of our son's life. I usually did have to make all the effort to get them together even though I had said that he could see his son any time he wanted and have him spend the night any time he wanted. We agreed, outside of court, that we would try a shared custody and share the costs of raising him. After about a year of unsuccessful co-parenting (me making the plans, packing the bag and taking food with my son to his fathers) I stopped making the effort...and his dad never picked it up. On several scheduled occasions he wouldn't be at home to receive my son. My child was devistated. When his dad did eventually decide to be back in the picture (a year later) I was dating someone seriously. I then found out that while he had my child that not only was he getting drunk every night and smoking in the house and car with him present but he was also getting high. He was smoking pot and doing meth. I took my son out of his life and told him when he could pull it together then we would go to court and have something written up that included drug and alcohol treatment. A few months later he started calling and asking to see his son. It was all supervised visits at my house. That was it. Now it's been 3 year since he's seen him and over 2 since he's talked to him. He makes no attempt to be a part of his childs life. I've had to spend the last 3 years hunting him down for child support. I finally got a check but who knows how long that will last. I also have a permanent parenting plan that gives him not rights to my son. I've asked him to sign off his rights so my husband can adopt him but he says that "he's his flesh and blood and he'll never give him up." My son is 8 1/2 now and because of me, my family and my husband my son is more stable now than he would be if he had his dad in his life.

I think that if you stopped making the effort, stopped sending the pics and videos then maybe you daughters dad would have a reason to keep in contact. It seems to me that maybe he thinks you'll just keep doing it so he doesn't need to do anything. Try to just live your life and take care of your daughter. Her dad may eventually come around to his senses.

Answer 3

u sound very mature..how old are u atleast she has one great parent.....did u tell him about the pregnancy when it happened or wait until later on? if u did he might sort of be mad at u and taking it out on ur daughter. u might wanna try to get support from him if thats how hes gonna be or else he gets off way too easy and has an attitude problem....if he doesnt wanna spend time with her which i feel is an equal compensation for child support then he shud be paying u...if he had her more he cud help raise her. i dont think its worth it and if u decided its not you MUST get support from him and i hope u will find a good man someday who will love that little girl like she shud be! best of luck to u.

Answer 4

Yes, it is good to keep this child's father in her life; when she gets old enough to understand tell her the truth; but do not go on putting him down; shel'll find out how he is. Raise her right and get child support! It does not matter if he is in another state. It does not matter how long it has been...Keep all letters, documents, receipts to show what he has done in the past.You cannot "make " him be concerned, but you can get the financial help you need to care for her. Don't waste anymore time, dear...get started NOW!

Answer 5

To hell with him. I am a father of two and you couldn't get me that far away from them. So this is my take on the matter. Have you ever thought he might not even be worth it? If he does not have any concerns at all. Then let him go, some they i'm sure if he does have any concern at all, even if it a small one, he would be the one to look for both of you. But as for now, basing on your description of the matter. Just leave it to God. But if at any point in time its your daughter who asks for her dad then help her, at least she will not think that it was ever your fault why she grew up away from her dad.

Answer 6

You cant force him to be a dad. If he doesn't care than you shouldn't take the time out to send him updates. Its very important for a girl to have her father in her life but not if he doesn't want it. My dad didn't either. Cant force them. Maybe work on getting her a new nicer daddy.

Answer 7

I would say no. If he doesn't want to make an effort to be with her or get to know her than let it go. You will end up meeting another man that will love her like she is his own.

Unfortunately you just can't force a relationship like this.

Answer 8

there comes a time when you need to quit beating your head against a brick wall, and accept things the way they are. and think that your child may be better off that things are the way they are. just enjoy being togther and do not make all the efforts anymore you cannot force someone to love someone else. it is personal choice they are going to have to make for themselves.

Answer 9

NOT always better to have a father. I wish my mother had divorced mine.

But I think you should at least keep in touch so if your daughter wants to get to know her father some day she can find him.

Answer 10

No I don't think it's worth it. He will just continue to disappoint her. Soon she will start to take it personally if she doesn't already. Look for other positive male role models for her to be around and always remind her of how special she is to you. She will love you for it.