What does this mean?

Question

My husband has always had a low interest in sex. It drives me crazy, because I am the opposite. Anyways, I've complained lately about the lack thereof, and he made this statement to me. I'm almost embarassed to write this out.

He said that he always kind of wished that he were a woman. As a teen he had fantasys of turning into a woman. He always wonder what it feels like for a woman having sex.

Let me add, that he's not a weirdo. He's kind of a passive guy, but a good family man. Always at home, helping out, etc. He's nearing 50.

Question: Is he gay? Is this a natural thing (I guess I've wondered what it would feel like to be a guy having sex). He's totally not into guys, by the way.

Answer 1

As men age, their testosterone levels diminish. This results in a (hopefully) gradual decrease in sex drive. Perhaps he's experiencing his own version of the inevitable transition from the young male's biological urge to the older man's more cerebral, contemplative "still can occasionally".

Answer 2

Sigh.

No, he's not "gay." He's possibly dealing with a form of what was known at one point as "gender identity disorder."

His lack of interest in sex with you only reinforces the reality of his internal struggles. (It is not a rejection of you as a woman, you are perfectly fine -- although you might still feel rejected.) He avoids sex probably because he either feels guilt over having sex with you while imagining himself female, or he simply does not really enjoy the sex because he would rather be female.

Passivity and gentleness is not uncommon in GID men -- they usually tend to be very sensitive guys, and considerate of others. Since he has raised a family and been responsible, I have no doubt he is complete rational and very mature as a person, and this one area is the only apparently "odd" thing about him.

Everyone is curious what it would feel like having sex as the other gender. With GID people, though, it's more painful... as if something is wrong with them. Some can have sex but always feel sort of empty about it, while others feel repulsed when having "hetero" sex and just can't do it at all.

Your husband sounds more like he is into the idea of being female (and whatever that entails) rather than directly interested in guys for themselves. He probably loves you dearly, as his best friend.

What is the rest of your relationship like? Is it good, and are you both close? If he is happy with the way things are and can cope, then there isn't really a problem. You can both be happy together; you simply know something new about him.

He might have broached the topic because you gave him an opening, though, and his situation has been bothering him. You should ask him more about how he's doing inside, and how he feels about where he is now.

Answer 3

Now that everyone else has thrown their hat in the ring here is a REAL ANSWER:

He may or may not be gay but he has unresolved questions around sexuallity. On the not being interested in sex issue - remember and keep in mind that men often throw themselves into earning wealth and prestige for retirement between 45 and 60 these are also on average their highest earning potential years in life. He maybe absorbed with projects involving work and other things. Being mindful around the house maybe his relaxation. If you find yourself horny all the time sit him down in front of the TV and put on a sporting event with hot sweaty guys and give him some oral that will make him scream - if he is un interested in that heck go out and rent him an escort for the evening and see how he responds - If I were you I would do the latter while on a weekend get-a-way and pay in cash so there is no trace. He may love you or he may not even like it but the issue will be out in the open.

As a last resort talk indepth with him about sex with out criticism or opinion and share with him your desire to be more amorous and ask him how would he like to resolve it - let him be as freaky or weird as he needs to answer the question - be open and be williing to do it all what else are you doing in the mean time

Answer 4

You would be surprise at the percentage of men who have voiced similar urges or fantasies. What you do about it is completely and utterly up to you. There are several different options considering your comfort level with it. From your embarrassment at writing the fantasy, it seems that you're not very comfortable with your husband voicing his fantasies or desires to you. This may actually be part of the problem. My best suggestion to you is to sit down and get him to talk about his desires. Does he want to be a woman? Or act like a woman? Does he want to wear women's clothing or makeup? What about lingerie? This kind of honest questions, asked in a loving way may help both of you understand this longing. The fantasy of a man becoming a woman is so taboo and not talked about in american society that it's very heavily frowned upon. This is unfortunate, because it leads to unhappiness such as you're experiencing. You need to ask yourself if you're willing to help him work through this fantasy, and perhaps be willing to fulfill some of it, or will it be something that neither of you can overcome?

If you're willing to work things out, ask him what kinds of things would help him fulfill parts of this fantasy. Maybe it's the clothes, or the makeup, or perhaps simply the role of a woman that fascinates him. If it's not, then perhaps this desire goes much deeper into a transgender desire, where he may actually want to become a woman. If this is the case...well, I honestly can't give you a "good" solution for that, unless you were willing to talk to him about changing gender...which I doubt.

The important thing is to be honest with each other at all times. Don't accuse him of everything, just try and talk to him with as much of a loving attitude that you can. I wish you both the best of luck.

Answer 5

Your husband is in the closet. It's not natural for a man to have sexual desires as a woman. He really wants to be gay and he's afraid of what society and his family might feel. He shouldn't lack sexual desires from you. Not unless you have stopped turning him on. That's the only other thing that could be turning him off. I'm sorry but that is the truth. I love women and sex and I would never dream of being with another man.

Answer 6

Ohhh this is a hard question. You and your husband should possibly give strong consideration to seeing a relationship/sex therapist. If your husband truly has these feelings often - he may be a closet transsexual. He is still the same person you married-kind, good natured, good family man. But many men find out they have been suppressing these kinds of feelings and b/c of societal values get married, have kids, etc. These thoughts catch up with them and then it overwhelms them. He may or may not be gay. He might just feel that he was supposed to be born a women, but has the anatomy of a male. Good luck, I hope everything works out for the both of you.

Answer 7

He needs some counseling. I'm definately not an expert but a guy in his mid forties (me) shouldn't be turning down sex with his much younger wife. Did he make the comment during your conversation about his "lack of desire" or was it like spontaneous? Do you think he may be sleeping around on the side and making excuses? I hope it all works out, just remember sex isn't everything, happiness together is much more important.

Answer 8

I don't believe he's either gay or transgendered. I think instead he's just submissive, and doesn't feel safe expressing that with you. There's a great opportunity here for you to improve your sex life and your marriage quite a bit by working through this in communication. You say he's not a weirdo, but I can nearly promise you that he feels like one and he's probably quite scared of losing you or of you thinking ill of him.

You might try talking about this at a time when you're both comfortable and ready to be intimate (not physically, but truly intimate - communicating in a way that reveals vulnerabilities). Your job is to make it safe for him to talk to you about stuff like this.

It's possible that your man is a lot kinkier than you think and a lot more interested than you realize but that he just doesn't feel safe expressing it. The desire to understand what it feels like to be a woman might, for example, be his signal that he wants you to have anal sex with him - pretty out there, but not the sickest thing ever, right?

If you love him and want to stay with him and make the relationship work, you owe it to yourselves to get into stronger communication and deal with this head-on.

Answer 9

counseling would help, shop around and find the one that suits both of you. The statement he made could point to gender dysphoria, but it was just one statement. At 50 he may be experiencing the mid-life crisis syndrome. In men this can occur from the ages of 35-55. It may be feelings of inadequacy, dissatisfaction with his accomplishments, he may feel sexually unattractive.he may even have a low level of depression. Keep in mind that these are just ideas being put out there.There may be underlying disease processes that have affected his libido. For example diabetes, hypothyroidism. Help is out there. The trick is getting him to go. One way to get him to get a regular check up and screened for colon cancer is to tell him it's necessary because you love him. As far as counseling, you can tell him you need his support. Good luck and please don't give up.

Answer 10

Actually I am sure that a lot of men wonder what it feels like as a woman, I know I have! but as for the low sex drive??? I have had a time when I did have low sex drive but it was a passing thing, affected in mid- life "crisis" but only a temporary passing. It sounds like his is neither temporary or just passing.