How do I get my wife who seems to be suffering from depression out with ME once in awhile for romance?

Question

My wife has been getting worse and worse for the last 3 years and I can not get her out for an evening with just the 2 of us except for our annaversary, then she just goes to the hotel and says she isn't interested wants to sleep. We have a 20 year old and a 14 year old to watch the 4 year old twins. She will get out once a month for a family day but that is about it. I know she has problems but I feel like I am being short changed on this marriage. I know it takes 2 to make a marriage but I feel like I am being used. I work 60 plus hours a week do most of the cooking and all the cleaning, I get some help on the cleaning from the 20 year old and he watches the twins during the day. I can't get her to admit she has a problem or the few rare times she says she knows she still won't get help. What can I do to snap her out of this? I love her deeply but I need some time as a couple. I don't want to lose her but I feel used and starting to resent being neglected. There is no sex life. Help!

I have talked to her repeatedly about this. I send her cards , rub her feet , do many other things to make her feel special but can not get her to the help she needs. We have made appointments to see a doctor then she cancels them that is where her denial really kicks in.

I have also written her letters about this as she won't really listen to me while trying to discuss this, she doesn't read them I point out I put my heart into the letters and she says she doesn't care she knows what they say so why read them.

Answer 1

from someone who suffers from depression..

when in that state, nothing anyone says or does makes anythign better. there is a constant state of "rock bottom" -- feeling nothing in life matters. things that used to matter do not anymore, and it's not that the person doesn't care, it's that he/she CANNOT care, or feels he/she has lost the ability to care. "i suck, my life sucks, it's not going to get any better, so why bother." it's a downward spiral of inner turmoil that just seems neverending.

as the others have written - she does need help - immediately. if it gets worse, she could try to commit suicide, or (i hate to say this), but even worse be so blinded by her dark feelings that she could harm the children. not meaning to, but some people in despair think that if it's so bad for them it's bad for all around them, and ending it is the best resolve.

go with her to the appointments. make sure she goes. it's tough to get started with therapy. the thought that nothing can get better is so pervasive that the mere thought of walking into a therapist's office is mind-numbing. also, as i did, some people experience bad therapists. the first one i went to "diagnosed" me as depressed in the first hour of meeting, sent me down the hall to see a psychiatrist who prescribed lots of drugs and sent me on my way. while drugs can help the imbalance of chemicals in the brain, it's not the endall-beall. there HAS to be therapy in other ways, too. sometimes talking about them makes the person more depressed. but overall, in my experience talking with others who are depressed, it's beneficial.

or, if you could get her to read about the subject, perhaps she will see that she's not alone - others deal with this - it's a lifelong problem that will plague her - but there ARE ways to cope and deal with it. changing thought patterns is KEY. psychosomatic -- if someone thinks she's **** for years, eventually she becomes ****.

i recently found a website that has helped me tremendously. http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/

this contains a free book for download, or most of the skimmed chapters on the site for perusal. i cannot tell you how much it helped me -- knowing that there were others out there, and there were definitions of my problem -- and that there are self-help measures i could take to help, in addition to therapy.

be there for her. just let her know, no matter how irrational or "crazy" she may think she sounds, you are there for her if she wants to discuss. ask her to tell you how she feels during her episodes where it's worse.. what exactly does she think about or dwell on that causes her such inner pain?

there could be things that stem from childhood -- things most people go thru (like being teased, bullied, abused, etc).. whether thru peers or familly -- that can cause problems forever in a person unless those problems are discussed and freed.

i'm not an expert, just someone who deals with this, too. if you need to talk, please, feel free to email me thru this site. i hope this is of some use to you. and let her know that she is NOT alone. life ain't easy... it's just one day at a time.

Answer 2

I suffer from depression, and we are kind-of-in the same boat, but my boat is I am the one being negelected and work the 60 hour work week. And he doesn't want to go out. Honey, there is nothing you can do till she wants to get better. I am afaird that you are stuck, you can't make her well. She is the only one that can do it, and she needs help. What does the kids say? They are being hurt by this to. The thing of it is, it's going to make you sick, then were are you going to be. Someone needs to be the strong one till, she is better. Does she have a close family member who could talk to her, since she isn't listening to you. If not then it's up to you to make some hard decisions. Do you still love her, or has her indifference killed it? If you love her then fight for her! Go into the bedroom, crawl into that bed beside her, and don't get out till she listens to you. She may have to go into some kind of treatment program, stand by her side. Ask her what can you do? Talk to her if she is talking, if not keep talking! I really hate yelling, but if you have to YELL! Tell her the truth that you can't stand seeing her like this, and it's killing you and the kids. If the love has died, then tell her! Say you are going to have to find some help somewhere, because you and kids can't handle it anymore. That you want a full life, a happy life, and if she is not willing to seek some kind of a help-then you are going to move on with your life. Again, you can't make her well, you have given her 3 years, I don't know too many men who would last 3 weeks much less 3 years. If she is really sick, and the love is still give her time to get well, please be supportive, and loving. Ask her what you are suppose to do? I am sorry, this doesn't sound like any real answer to your problem, because my boat is sinking, and I have thrown out my last life raft. God bless!

Answer 3

I am getting a divorce at the moment because the exact same things you are doing...and she was responding the exact same way...She Suffered from Major Depressive Disorder...but the only thing different than your case...IS I CAUGHT MINES IN AN AFFAIR...but all through out the marriageShe would stay home while I worked & I would go without for 2-3 months at a time...and I got fed up, but to know she was giving the love up to some1 who didn't do anything for her. I know you keep questioning the mean things she says to you...like" Is that her talking or the Depression?" But it gets to a point where not even medication helps and A man can only take so much! If you need some1 who can relate toyou...email me [e-mail]...Bishop

Answer 4

well have you told her all this? Tell her your hurting from this. I dont think you can snap her out of this, shes gonna have to go and seek help, else wheres. You seem to be a great person and keep on keeping on. Depression does get the best of us. Good luck to you! I am very sorry you have to go through this, and sorry for her and the kids as well.

Answer 5

You have a major problem (but you already know that). What you don't know is how depression works. It's progressive. Unless it's checked, it gets worse over time, not better. It feeds on itself. She will start to self-destruct, literally to feed the depression. She will distance herself from you, and from anyone who cares, or might be able to help. She will do things to deliberately drive you away. She will do this on purpose. (so she can feel worse, not better.) Again, the depression feeds on itself, and it is progressive. She will destroy her life; whether it's a job, a family, a home... whatever she has, she will set out to ruin it in order to feel worse, not better. Yet again, THE DEPRESSION FEEDS ON ITSELF, AND IT IS PROGRESSIVE. She will deny she has a problem (admitting it is the first step to recovery. Depression does not want to recover. It wants to feed.) She will refuse help. The depression does not want help, it is doing just fine on it's own. She will make life literally unbearable for you and anyone else that lives close to her so you will stop living close to her. It (the depression) wants her to live alone, to wallow in the emptiness of her life.
Depression is a true disease. It's much like a computer virus that spreads over time. It takes over her mental "programming" and changes her values. The truth is, she does not want to get better, she wants to get worse. She does not want you to help. She wants you to hurt. She will hurt you until you leave, not only so she can be alone, but so she can suffer the guilt of driving you away. The prognosis is fatal. It will kill her if you let it. If it can, it will kill you too. If not, it will wreck your life as thoroughly as possible so she can feel so guilty about that before she dies.
I know you've seen all of these behaviors in her, and you wonder why she's acting this way. Why can she not see she has a problem? Why does she neglect/abuse us? Why does she...... Understand her values have been changed. Her mind has literally been "reprogrammed" to seek destruction, not success. Behavior follows values. Always. She literally "values" sorrow, guilt, loneliness and fear. She will seek it out. She will pursue it relentlessly with ever greater fervor. It will get worse, not better. Period.
The woman you loved, the woman you married, is gone. She's been taken over by a disease. That loneliness, that hurt, that sense of neglect/betrayal you're feeling right now? It's doing that to you on purpose. To hurt you enough you will leave.
So, make a choice. Make it now. Is that woman you loved worth having back? Is she worth paying a price for? Are you willing to endure some hard work, some disappointment and a great deal of hurt to save her life? If not, walk away now and let her die. At least you'll save yourself, and a part of your kids.
If she is, then step up and be the man. Put on your armor (it doesn't have to be shining. It's going to get tarnished anyway) because she's going to try to hurt you. First, you take charge of your life. You don't let her control you. You get your s*** together as a man. Get your own life in order. Set your own mind straight. Then, you take charge of hers. She's not in control of herself now, and she can't get it back on her own. So, it's either you in control, or the disease. Choose.
You can't do this on your own. The older kids are old enough to understand, and help. Tell them why she's acting this way, and that you need their help. Tell them it truly is a matter of life and death. Tell them why. Let them understand why she's deliberately hurting them; hurting you. Tell them it will get worse before it gets better. Enlist friends and other family if you trust them. Hire a professional. Get the drugs. Make her take them. Take charge of her life. Fight the depression. Turn it. Check it. Kill it if you can. (It will do the same to you if you let it.) With professional help, with medication and a united family, you can get your wife back if you choose.

Choose wisely.

Answer 6

She really needs to get professional help and possible some drugs to get her back to the person she use to be. Depression hurts everyone. This condition will only get worse overtime left untreated.

Answer 7

She definatley needs to get help. Maybe you should write her a letter with your concerns. She needs to do that for herself. Once she has helped herself, her life and relationships around her will improve. IF she is that depressed, she is not going to want to do anything, and I mean anything.

Answer 8

Sorry to hear that this is happening to you. depression affects so many americans its really crazy. you really need to try to get her to a specialist. medecine can help. have you tried surprising her, like flowers, or other little things that might bring a smile to her face. you sound like a great husband i hope it all gets better.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

It sounds like you love your wife deeply. She is lucky to have such a good man. Listen, this is a rough time for the both of you. She is going to get worse before she gets better. She needs to realize she has a serious problem and needs medical attention and medication. This is something many just do not wish to face. There are many reasons. One is just that some do not wish to seem weak, and needing "counseling" or "medication" is weak to them. Another reason is she may be having a crisis in life and is just unable to understand what it is that is makiing her feel so out of touch with herself and her life.

You said this has been going on for about three years. I think it has been going on longer, probably right after the birth of the twins. They are four, so it sounds like she is suffering from post parten depression. (Sorry, the spellcheck does not work on longer answers, just really short ones and I do not spell well. ) You said you have been married twenty years. That means if you married at twenty she would now be fourty. That means she had the twins when she was thirtysix. That is a lot older than I would have liked to become pregnant again. Did she have plans with her life after your older children were grown that she now may think are unreachable for her? Did she perhaps plan on going back to school or getting an outside job and now sees life just never changing, she never able to do anything else than be a mother and wife? Is there nothing in her life that is just for her own fullfillment?

This is a critical issue, one which could ruin a wonderful marriage union. I would hate for that to happen. Is there anything she was planning which had to change when she became pregnant with the twins? It sounds like she has given up. It sounds like she has drawn inward to hide from pain, and it sounds like she is angry with you. She may not have any "real" reaosn to be angry with you, but just the same anger needs an outlet. If this pregnancy was unexpected she may fear sex now, or view it as an enemy which betrayed her dreams and is now holding you responsible as well.

Listen, your wife is NOT using you. She is hurting and does not know how to express her feelings so they are being submerged and this is crippling her, the marriage and the family. She is not good for herself or anyone else in this condition. She is just going through the movements of life and anything more is just too much for her. She can barely get through each day as it is. She despertly needs help. You are right about that.

Only you know the cercumstances around the birth of the twins, any dreams or plans she had before the pregnancy. It is possible it is simple post parten, and needs mediccation or it is much deeper than that. It may be both. You need to somehow get through to her. If it is dreams she feels have gone on the wayside of the birth of the twins, find a way to make them real for her again. Get somebody in to watch the twins to she can do what she wanted, what she needs to be fullfilled. All individuals need to be fullfilled. It has nothing to do with not loving you are the children. She is tired, has lost her dreams, and is giving up.

Try to find a way to reach her and let her know you value her life as an individual and still want her to have her dreams and meet her goals in life. Let her know that you will love her always, be there for her, and that somehow you will both get through this dark period. If she knows you value her dreams as an individual enough to help her find a way, she could come out of this without medication. We did not have medication a hundred years ago and people got by just fine when couples were really there for each other.

Just hold her without the expectation of sex. She needs to know you will stand by her through the darkest hours of her life, that you want more than sex, that you want to help her come back to herself and tell her how much you miss her. Don't pressure her to hard or too soon. Just hold her and find what it is that is taking her from you and the children. Put back hope into her life, and you will help pull her out. If you show her you will be there no matter what, that you wish to place her needs before your own, her individual needs which are seperate from the union, that are just hers alone, you can pull her out of this depression. At least you can begin to help her heal. Once she knows you love her regardless, that you wish to help her find what she needs and help her attain those needs, you will slowly get your wife back. You will need lots of patience as this has been going on too long and she has slipped far away. You have to fear her taking her life. Yes, I said you have to worry she may not survive this depression. People this far gone, with this amount of hopelessness take their own lives. If you show her how important she is as an individual, that you want her needs met regardless of what they are, if you just hold her and cuddle her without expectation of sex, you can begin to help pull her out of this abyss. This darkness she is living with and fighting daily. Yes, she is fighting this every day even if you are not able to actually see it. The fact she is still with you shows she is fighting this. But she despertly needs assistance. From you first, as I was saying before, then when she sees you are sincere she very well may agree to more help outside. If not then the two of you will need to battle this alone. I think you love her enough to do what you need to do in order to help your wife. Helping your wife is helping yourself, your marriage and your children. Sometimes a marriage needs a hero. Sometimes it is one and another time the other. Now it needs to be you. Place her needs before your own, help heal her and you will heal your marriage and yourself as well. You two are a union, therefor you are one. What hurts one, hurts the marriage, and therefor hurts both. The best gift you can give your children is a healthy, happy, well adjusted marriage union between the parents. It is also the best gift you can give each other. Place her needs before your own and help her out of the darkness. She has been placing the needs of her husband and her children first for years and now needs to get the same in return. You can do this, as you love her very deeply. Go to her with gentalness, understanding that she is in deep pain and feeling completely helpless. Just hold her, even just her hand to begin if she will not let you snuggle her yet. If she thinks snuggling always leads to sex with you she will aviod the cuddling. Tell her you just want to hold her to be there for her and help her in any way you can. That she is the most important person in your world in your life and that you want her happiness before your own. That you will do whatever it is she needs to find happiness agian. That is the start. Continue to do this untill she begins to open up and communicate. Do NOT be shocked or show any negitive reaction to her feelings. Do NOT allow yourself to take any of what she says personally, as it is not personal it is her deepest needs and desires. She does not want to leave, or at least not yet or she would have done so. If she IS having these thoughts allow her them and let her know how deeply you love and want her and that you will do anything to help her find happiness with you again. Do what she needs and listen to her do not judge or take it personally. Damage has been done which must be undone. I think you love her enough to this for her and for the both of you. She is NOT using you. In fact SHE may be feeling used and abused.

I wish you the very best and you will both be in my thoughts. Blessed Be.