what do i do?

Question

my daughter is getting old enough to throw fits and totally disrespect me. my wife gets upset when i spank her because she is a girl. okay what should i do! (serious educated and experienced answers only)

Answer 1

My hubby and I have the same argument. He spanks, I don't. We tried using a chair in our home that never gets used by anyone else. And when she starts misbehaving, we warn her first then put her in that chair for a minute or so. It really really does work. We had to do it a few times, now the warning is enough.

Answer 2

From a Professional prospective you should have establish the rule before she started to throw fits and disrespect you. If you would have spanked her little bottom when she was 2 and up I guarantee she would have known now not to be disrespectful towards you.
Secondly, if you and your wife are divided on discipline then it isn't going to work because kids are smart and they and will use it against you.
Finally, you and your wife should have sat down and discuss this matter long before these behaviors started. I hope the child isn't in her teen because if it isn't fixed befroe then get ready for an out of control child.

Answer 3

Define "old enough" first of all. Then define what you consider a "fit". What you percieve as disrespect towards your person may simply be normal child behaviour for the age group. Spanking is a temporary "shock" measure at best - and never a long term behaviour modifier, in other words your daughter won't learn to respect you (or to put it another way, it is doubtful that you will earn her respect) via spanking.

Dialogue is essential - kids today are bombarded by so much information, and as parents we often are too busy to realise many of the things that may be troubling our children. It is easy to fall into the trap of expecting and/or demanding unrealistically mature behaviour from our children. Yes they are exposed to much more information than we were, but on the other hand if no one has prepared them to process that information or is willing to at least discuss it with them it is terribly confusing and even frightening.

Try to remind yourself that your child may be frustrated because she doesn't have the tools to communicate with you on your terms before you raise your hand next time. I think that will ease the tension with your wife as well.

Answer 4

Well, as they mother of a soon to be 17 year old (the mouthiness does not get any better, FYI), I feel I can give adequate input. Spanking does not work. I am not saying that sometimes a good whoop ***, isn't needed, but my experience is that it doesn't work. Taking away the favorite toy, sending them to bed early and taking away TV time works wonders. If your child is old enough to write, explain to them why you are angry, what you expect of them, get down eye level when you do this (never tower above them) then make them go to their room and write you a letter of apology. Always tell them when they talk to you disrespectfully, that it is unacceptable behavior and you will not tolerate it. Tell them you are very disappointed in their behavior and that all though their BEHAVIOR is bad, THEY are not bad. When they come back with the letter, hug them, thank them and tell them that you love them. If they are not old enough to write. Tell them they have to go to their room for 5 or ten minutes until they are willing to come back and apologize to you for their behavior. Make them say what they did wrong or what they are sorry for, otherwise, what's the point? If there is a TV or radio in their room, send them to a room with out a tv/radio, or remove them from the room, for the day, a week or until the situation is over. And, yes, sometimes, they really do just need a butt whipping to remind them who's in charge.

Answer 5

I use to spank my kid until she just started hitting me back and spiting. I spanked her because thats what my parents did and that all i knew, same with my husband. I started asking my friends that had really well behaved children how they diciplined. They where all so different. Some used time out. Some put there children in a corner. oNe even made his children do exercise. Im seriuse he would say "you better stop that , do you want to exercise?" the kid would say no and stop. There was even a couple that told me that they threated that the dog would get them if they didnt stop. So you can see everyone has different methods but the one thing they all agreeded on is that spanking and hitting does not work after a certain point. Its like you have to beat the **** of out them for it to phase them. And no one wants to do that. I stoped spanking and now use time out but i shut her in her room. Mine is three and they say 1 min in time out for every year of age. I tell her why she is going in there and i remind her when she come out why she was in there. After my husband seen how this works with her and now i just have to say Abbie do you want a time out? instead or rasing my hand my husband is spanking less and less. No matter what you choose it is consistancy that makes it effective. You cant give up cause your lazy or tired. Consistany , consistancy consistancy!!!

Answer 6

When your child throws a fit, give her a hug and be understanding. Instead of being part of the problem, be on her side. Don't get mad at her.

Some say it's ok to spank her, but I've read and I believe: "When a child behaves badly, she already feels terrible." "Where did we ever get the idea that in order to make children do better, we first have to make them feel worse?"

Remember, parents can control their feelings more easily than children can control their behavior.

Answer 7

I have a daughter also that went through that. Have you tried to take things away? What works for me is taking away priveledges. It sounds crazy for a two year old but it has worked for me. Take away what she likes the most. The more you give into the tantrams the more they will come. She is probably doing some of them for attention. Attention is exactly what you are giving her when you spank her. She is going to learn that throwing tantrams is the only way to get attention.

Answer 8

First, I agree with your wife you can not teach a child anything by spanking her or him. Anyway, try time out and really do it. Try putting her in a chair with nothing to do for 5 minutes and see if this helps or take away her things. If it keeps up then you may want to have her checked for AHAD, my niece has it and she takes fits.

Answer 9

follow through on every thing every time - do not tell her she will be going to her room and then not send her. if you say there will be a consequence there had better always be one or you will just become full of it, and not deserve her respect because you are soft and therefore can be walked all over.

you also need to talk with your wife to be sure that she is following a similar routine. - either way if you take care of business your daughter will know you mean business and you will get your respect back. be firm when you need to be.

Answer 10

What's her age? That's important (girl or not).

Spanking is sometimes necessary at very young ages, since very young children might not be able to understand any other form of punishment. But as they age, you want to avoid it.

Usually time-outs are effective, or revoking of privileges.

Calmly not catering to tantrums, in fact not providing much response at all, will eventually diffuse them with most kids. You don't want to reward the behavior with positive OR negative attention. (i.e., if they can't get what they want, they still often will settle for just getting a rise out of you).

Respecting your child during well-behaved times -- how you treat each other and the kids -- sets positive role models for the kids to follow.

If she has decided that you really don't care how she feels about most things, devalue what she says, put undue pressure or restrictions on her, etc., she will naturally become disrespectful and aggressive. I don't know your situation. I know as a parent I have to continually monitor my own behavior from my children's eyes, to make sure that I am treating them as I expect them to treat others.

Consistent rules/discipline helps the kid to know where they are permitted to act freely.

If your kid LIKES to make decisions and be assertive, find areas/hobbies/activities where you can cut her loose to assert herself. Some kids are strong-willed and need to feel as if they have control over something; just locking them down will create rebellion.

Basically, it's a tightrope. You need to create a stable environment where it is clear that you are in charge, and the kids should be learning how to be responsible with their time and resources, but idealistically you want to give your kids as much freedom as they can to make decisions and encourage them to follow their bliss within that structure.