I've been married 11 years, I'm middle-aged and wife is 14 years younger. For some time now (several years), I am blamed for everything that goes wrong with anything. If a piece of lint shows up on my wife's black blouse after I do the laundry, you would think it was an international incident the way she lays into me about it. She refuses to clean house and doesn't allow me to since I am not allowed to "touch her things." She owns the finances but refuses to pay bills on time and then screams at me when I send a check to make the due date. We have not been intimate for months and frankly I can't get into the mood when I am chastised so much. I'm trying to remain patient and committed and we have a child which is why I am still around. I'm really beginning to wonder what to do. What's your advice?
2006-07-07 07:19:37 · 27 answers · asked by Cowan M 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
COUNSELING. Something is really wrong here. maybe she is in a depression, or bi-polar. You need to go see some one professional, and if she refuses then maybe you should think of divorce. If your child is watching this then they will grow up thinking that its ok to act this way or worse be treated this way. Let her know you feel and that your marriage is on the rocks. You may even need to seperate for awhile. Give her and yourself space and time to figure out what you really want. Things will work out for the best even if its not what you expect/want.
2006-07-07 07:26:29 · answer #1 · answered by sweetsugakb24 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
one or two things---first talk to her and let her know that what she is doing in the relationship is making you think that moving on with life is not such a bad idea and second be point blank and see if she is maybe not happy and would like some time alone--ask her to move on--if she is not responsible in the finance dept . then you need to just take over so your credit is not torn up ...If she complains or throws a fit just be kind and say you are sorry but certian things in life have to be handled correctly..then dont say more---she can argue with herself and that gets old---
Dont do her laundry --anyone who is that rude when someone is trying to make life easier for another and then throws back a complaint doesnt deserve to be treated---about the house --if she wont clean ?? and says you cant touch her stuff--tell her too bad that its your right to live in a clean house and it will be done one way or another--Really it sounds like she is pushing you away and thats got to be hard but the sooner you find out where you stand in this the better you will be--as far as the child goes--kids want to have both parents in the home --yes--but only if its a loving and happy home--if they can have each parent seperatly and happy then the child is happy too...you cant give your child 100% if you are not complete--
God Bless you --the road ahead is bumpy
2006-07-07 15:22:46 · answer #2 · answered by skizzle-d-wizzle 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you are not working as partners. You both need to have a serious talk about what is bothering you and have a plan on how to "fix" things. You need to work as a team and pick your battles. You can nit pick about everything. Speaking from experience, you should never stay in a relationship because of a child. It makes it worse for the children and does not set a good example.
2006-07-07 14:25:54 · answer #3 · answered by cawecm 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I strongly suggest that you sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with your wife and tell her how you feel. Don't let these little things make yall unhappy. Are maybe you should go to counciling to see what is wrong in yall marriage or maybe she just needs her space all women need there space when they get a little moody. Or maybe you should take your wife out to eat to a real nice place. Or maybe just have a nice vacation and let a family member watch her child don't leave your wife for that get help are try and make things better between you and her.
2006-07-07 14:37:13 · answer #4 · answered by Babygirl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Now its your turn to play games with her feeling. It might sound weird but it will take the little kitten out of her. OK first dont give her ANY money, dont pay bills, stay out late, dissapear to camping for 3 days without her knowing, talk about other hot women, you just have to take all the privilages that you have given her. Make her cry and beg you to be the guy u used to be. If she doesnt beg you, get over her every minute u have spent is with her is for nothing, she doesnt love u. but if she comes after u and SHE wants to work it out not you, then love her.
2006-07-07 14:36:07 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to her. I know that it may seem like she is immature but to be completly honest YOU BOTH ARE. If you are having to go behind eachother backs to get stuff done than there is something wrong.
Sit her down ... explain the way you are feeling. Mostlikely there is a reason for her acting like this.
Explain to her that you are married and theres no such things are "your" wen you get married it becomes "ours".
Dont do anything drastic unless you feel that it is the absolute last choice that you have. Especially with children. This is something that can last for the rest of their lives as well.
Talk to her.
2006-07-07 14:29:58 · answer #6 · answered by tequieromucho2004 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm. Large age gap. Fourteen years is a lot when you are middle-aged. (you are in 40's, she is late 20's?)
You are far more mature than her, age-wise, so you are probably being too gracious for what she needs in order to grow up.
One thing: She is not in control of you. As adults, neither of you actually has "control" over the other. Don't let her intimidate you. She screams about everything, throwing her weight around, but you need to make choices to benefit your whole family, including yourself and your kid (not just her).
I would be firm but matter-of-fact:
* "If you want to take more responsibility for the bills, I would appreciate it greatly. I will step in and pay bills, if I see that you haven't had time to do it. This is a partnership, so we both cover each other. Stop viewing it as a bad reflection on you. We just need to get this job done."
* "The house needs to be cleaned. Whoever can do it should do it. If you don't like how I do, but you are unwilling to do it, then I will do it anyway. I could really use the help, though, in keeping our house presentable, for both us and our kid."
* "If you don't like how I do your laundry, I need you to take responsibility for it. If you do not, I will do my best to help you, but you'll have to live with the results. Again, I could use your help."
I think you have taken this far too long, so her self-centeredness has become very established. Again, the age difference just makes me wonder how much she sees you as a husband vs. a father figure -- her behavior seems to be a mix of these things, and she tends to act like a kid in her relationship to you.
Reaffirm to her that she's your wife, and you want her as your wife. You need her to take equal responsibility in the house, and you will greatly respect her for doing so.
You sound like a very patient, very consider, very gentle man, and are very articulate with describing your situation. I would just add "firm and decisive" to the list.
As far as I can tell, your wife is stuck in a self-centered cycle and needs you to lay a secure foundation for her to finally go the extra mile and (said seriously, not meanly) grow up and assume her roles of wife/mother in the family.
These are just my opinions, take them for what they are worth and adjust as you go, regardless. I hope things get better.
2006-07-07 14:51:33 · answer #7 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You gotta start wearing the pants my dear. When a woman loses respect for her man then she runs a muck!
You have to gain her respect by acting the way you were acitng when you met her. Be am man and tell her whats going on. Get mad, put your foot down! She will end up respecting you for it and changing trust me!!!
When a woman sees that her man just lets her do whatever, that is NOT a good thing. Just leave the house when she nags and tell her you arent going to take it. you only have ONE life to live and you deserve to have the kid grow up in a good not hostile enviromnent full of stress!
Good luck to you.
From a woman
2006-07-07 14:27:53 · answer #8 · answered by nenita32 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's time to end the relationship when her behavior is chipping away at your self-esteem. She makes you feel bad more often than she makes you feel good. Sounds like you're a "good guy" because you want an equal partner you can share things with. You're a man who doesn't want a relationship in which one partner is overly dependent or completely dominating. In short, don't spend your life trying to prove that oil and water can mix.
2006-07-07 14:33:40 · answer #9 · answered by Ivy C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It may have as much to do with you as it does with her. She treats y ou that way because you let her.
I just read a book called "The Emotionally Unavailable Man" by Patti something or Other.
You sound a lot like me. Read the book. Perhaps it will help.
I just read it last week, so I can't say it has worked or hasn't. It's opened my eyes up, that's for sure.
Good luck.
2006-07-07 14:33:55 · answer #10 · answered by mmurphy384 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋