I was over at my best friends house last night. She is in an unhappy marriage. Her husband was mad at her because she told him about a guy that used to like her four years ago. He used this as a reason to storm out of the house for awhile (very typical behavior). I told her she shouldn't have told him this. He came back later in the evening. I suggested to her that she go to Prairie View for couples counseling. They have a sex clinic there. She was like what do we need a sex clinic for?? I pointed out that they have seminars and that she has good insurance. Her husband piped up that they have a terrible sex life and that she is a bad lover and has been since day one (they have 3 kids). My friend got mad at me for "starting this sh[it]". I told her that I didn't start anything that they were fighting before I got there and that they have been having problems for such a long time. I left quickly and I know I did nothing wrong by saying they should get proffesional help.
2006-07-07 04:02:24 · 11 answers · asked by icu812 3 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Did she ask you for your help? I'm married and i don't like anyone getting in the middle of my marriage or butting in when i haven't asked. If u wanted to help your best friend, you should've told her w/o her husband there and leave it to her if she wants to bring it up to her husband. That's one thing u should never do, whether it's your sister, mom, or best friend, u just don't get involved w/ people's marriage. That's why you feel bad, because you put yourself in a situation where u didn't belong and it looks like it wasn't wanted. You did do something wrong, u got in her business. it doesn't matter how long they've been fighting, it's still NEVER your place. The best thing to ease your conscience is to apologize to her for stepping in and you realize it wasn't a good idea and from now on you'll only offer advice when SHE asks for it. good luck.
2006-07-07 04:10:41 · answer #1 · answered by Starangel 2 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Advising them to seek help was okay, but it's best left at that. Pin pointing the area of help would have been better off if left at the decision of the professional in that field. Your involment in solving their problems got too personal, and your comment was taken as a personal attack. It's best not to put yourself in that situation in the future, to best avoid this. Should your friendship be respected, it's best not get involved in their problematic areas, therefore, don't be drawn into them, break away from them, and let them sort this out on their own, and/or wait to be asked for advice, and the best one would be, seek councelling, and then, let them know, you think it be best if you take a break from them for awhile. Respect the friendship enough to give them privacy to work things out. That is being supportive...with that said, perhaps an apology for getting involved and giving advice was out of line because you are not a certified professional and had no right to make such rash judgements. Good luck!
2006-07-07 11:26:24 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The truth is always hard to hear and confront. Obviously you hit on something that both your friend and her hubby know is wrong in the marriage. Hopefully for the sake of the marriage and for the kids, she and her hubby will take your advice. Sounds like they have some issues to work out and counseling may be the option, if they would get off their high horse and face the facts that all marriages go through these low spots. Good luck to you and the friend as well as lots of luck to your friends family.
2006-07-07 11:10:05 · answer #3 · answered by sammy22005 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I evaluate, pontificate and prescribe too. But we shouldn't do that. I am often reminded by others to mind my own business. Also, your remedy was based on information you received in an unstandardized setting. Moreover, a couple's sex life is typically independant of their union. People will argue like crazy, pause for sex, then pick up the argument again where they left off. Hard as it is - because I know you want to help and have good motives - it's often better to ignore the happenings around you as this will show your friend that you care about them and trust *their* judgement as much as your own. Best wishes!
2006-07-07 11:11:02 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Speaking up to your friend is one thing, and you wouldn't be much of a friend if you didn't voice your misgivings about an unhealthy and harmful situation. But stirring up trouble in front of her husband, which obviously wouldn't lead to anything but conflict, wasn't a good idea.
Sounds like they need far more than sex therapy. Relationship counseling (or maybe that's what you meant?) is something they should look into if they plan to stay together, but you can't push them into it.
2006-07-07 11:10:03 · answer #5 · answered by night_trekker 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry but I have to disagree with you. They probably do need counseling and are obviously having problems. Your intentions were good, but relationships are so complicated. You made two mistakes that put your friend in the defense mode. (1) You took his side after a fight (2) You gave your opinion in front of both of them. Your friend first needs you to lean on and back her up. You'll have opportunity to lend advice -- be her friend first and her adviser second. Please apologize to her. Sounds like she needs you right now.
Heather C - www.thefemmeforum.com
2006-07-07 11:09:26 · answer #6 · answered by Heather C 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you could've done it more diplomatically, but on the other hand, maybe they are so deep in it they wouldn't have understood anyway.
He sounds like he has major ego problems, and she's kind of dependent.
Take her out on her own more, help her feel better in her own skin - if she's capable of feeling better in her own skin. They may just want to keep hurting themselves, and there's nothing you can do about that.
Of course, do what you can to to help, but if you hurt yourself in the process by getting your own anxiety going, you probably should back off and take care of your own happiness. Maybe they can learn from it. Good luck!
2006-07-07 11:13:43 · answer #7 · answered by valerie h 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It might be a good idea to leave their marriage alone. Let them deal with their own problems. If they have been arguing or fighting prior to your arrival, just tell your friend that you'll see her later. They're adults, they can handle their own relationship issues. You might want to apologize to your friend for butting in without her asking for the advice.
2006-07-07 11:08:08 · answer #8 · answered by Vanessa B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
THIS IS WHERE ALL US GOOD FRIENDS GO WRONG! WE THINK THAT AS A GOOD FRIEND WE SHOULD HELP AND ADVISE OUR GIRLFRIENDS WHEN IN NEED OF AN UPLIFTING, BUT THE TRUTH IS THEY NEVER REALLY TAKE OUR ADVICE IF THEY DONT WANT TO. THAT'S WHY I DONT EVEN BOTHER WITH GIVING ADVISE ON RELATIONSHIPS. NEXT TIME DONT GET INVOLVED JUST LISTEN, NOD YOUR HEAD AND AGREE WITH HER. YOUR BETTER OFF TRUST. IN THE LONG RUN THEY END UP DOING WHAT THEY WANT. YOU CAN'T HELP SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T WANT TO BE HELPED RIGHT? SO NEXT TIME GIRL YOU SHOULD JUST PLAY THE ROLE OF A BYSTANDER, ACT LIKE YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
2006-07-07 11:21:17 · answer #9 · answered by neli 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
THINK YOU DID START IT IT IS REALLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AT ALL ABOUT YUR FRIENDS SEX LIFE OR LIFE PERIOD UNLESS SHE ASKS YOU FOR ADVICE YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST BEEN THE LISTENER AND LEFT IT ALONE.
YOU MADE A BIG MISTAKE I HOPE SHE FORGIVES YOU. I KNOW I WOULD NOT FORGIVE YOU AT ALL. I WOULD THINK YOU WERE AN ***.
YOU REALLY ARE NOT A GOOD FRIEND AT ALL TO DO THAT.
2006-07-07 11:38:24 · answer #10 · answered by lovebug1234 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋