i'm always invited to go places out of pity and i wind up going because it's better than bein alone?

Question

i always get the "pity invite" and it's last minute and it seems like the only time they ever invite me anywhere, is after they have it completely planned out and they accidentaly mention it in front of me. then they all look at each other with this weird look and they say "you're coming too, right?". and then they never call me to tell me the time or anything, or if i do find that out and wind up tagging along, i pretty much get ignored. these ppl say they are my friends, and i'm so desperate for friends, what should i do? i hate going with them, but i hate being alone?
help?
why would you say that you are someone's friend, then turn around and treat them like that?
then they complain that i am "anti-social" and that i need to work harder to be more outgoing.

Answer 1

In a way, they're right that you're anti-social and need to be more outgoing... they just don't mean it quite the way those words might make it sound to you.

You're so wrapped up in yourself and your needs and figuring out their motives in inviting you that you can't just enjoy THEIR company and have fun with THEM on the outings.

You're treated like a tag-along because you act like they forced you to come along.

You're treated like a fifth wheel because you don't act like you're one of their group of friends.

They don't treat you like a friend because you don't treat them like they're your friends.

Just chill out and relax.

Don't worry so much about why you got invited. If you keep that up, their "we have to invite her" will gradually turn into excuses: "We would invite you, but..." You already know that's where this is headed.

You're so wrapped up in finding reasons to be miserable and unworthy that you're looking at the whole thing backward.

You're still getting invited, so they haven't given up on you, yet. They're still bending over backward to try to be your friend and include you in their group, even though you've made it very hard for them. Instead of making you feel worthless, that should be inflating your ego like no other!

Seriously! They don't have to make any
effort to be your friend or invite you along to anything. It would be a lot easier not to and if you look around, you'll see that there are plenty of people who aren't ever included in their group, in any way. So, there must be something about you that they really like for you to be worth all this high maintainance you require from them.

So, next time they invite you along, accept with a smile and go willingly. Don't read anything into the invitation... good, bad or otherwise. Let yourself enjoy their company and whatever it is you've all gone out to do together. Don't expect them to "include" you -- they've already done that by inviting you -- it's up to you whether to stay with them once you get there.

The first few times, you might really have to work at it -- but it'll get easier and it's only fair that you should have to put forth some effort after how much work they've put into trying to be your friend.

Do that every time they ask you out and after awhile, you'll go from being the last one invited to sometimes being one of the first and you'll know they're really your friends.

For the record -- and I speak from experience on the outgoing side of the social fence -- "pity" invites are, at most, a once or twice thing. Pity gets really boring really fast!! So, if you've had more than a couple of invitations, it was never pity. Your friends deserve a little more credit than you're giving them... so do you... don't sell them or yourself so short, anymore. OK? OK. :)

Enjoy your life, don't waste so much time analyzing everything to death.

Answer 2

Well this is what I would do if I were you...these girls aren't treating you like a friend...and the "pity invite" is clearly making you upset. Are you trying to make them accept you and treat you fairly? Stop if you are, it's a waste of energy. Take a good look at who you are. It sounds to me that you are more insightful, reflective and caring then your friends. We don't all have to be social butterflies all the time. Some of us aren't. Just be completely yourself and people who are your true friends will be drawn to you. Maybe go and find a friend that seems to be in the same situation as you. If you find one, you might just find yourself a best friend.

Answer 3

Have you thought about looking to join a group/club with people who actually share your interests?
I hate to say it, but its true.. people treat you the way you allow them to treat you... if they know they can walk all over you.. they will.
Why don't YOU be the one to make the plans to do something? Call everyone up, tell 'em to meet you somewhere.. and see who shows up.
Don't allow yourself to be the victim here.. because you'll never be happy. Go out there and take a couple of risks... its scary I konw, but with no risk, there is no reward.

Look into your community center/recreation department and see what's offered... or look into the adult ed through the school board and see whta classes are offered (usually at a cheap price). You'll learn something and meet some poeple!

I was once very much like you, and I decided that I didn't want to be that person anymore...

You can do it.. its just going to take some work, some bravery and some time.

:)
Good luck

Answer 4

Honey you need to to quit following these people and work on finding yourself. If you don't want to be alone that's normal but your going about it in all the wrong ways you need to figure out what you want to do. Find something that interests you and get involved because if you can find something your interested in then I guarantee that you'll get along with the people too. You need to work on yourself maybe you do need to be more outgoing but if you are gong to do anything like that do it for you not them, and if they were your friends then they accept you for you. Honey drop these people and find yourself and when you do that then the people around you will see what a terrific person you are and love you for you.

Answer 5

You can find someone else to hang around with. You do not need to be someones tag alone. I'm a nice person so if you need some one to talk to emailme at: [e-mail]. Feel free at anytime, I would really like to be a true friend

Answer 6

okay well for one you need to find some freinds even jsut one that wont treat you like that. This happens to alot of people and gfor me i had to lose more that like8 eight friends because i thought they were like that and it turns out those are the people now who think they are all that but noone really likes them. Just keep searching cause there is a friend or more than one friend out there for everybody. =)

Answer 7

maybe you have social anxiety or it could just be shyness.

Check these two subjects on wiki and see if its you.

I have social anxiety and people think I am antisocial when in fact I am a little uncomfortable.