She was due at the end of this month, and the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck. How do I comfort her? What do I say? What do I not say?
2006-07-07 03:39:24 · 13 answers · asked by Heather 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Pregnancy
I had a miscarriage, so I hope I can help. Actually, your friend did not have a miscarriage, as that indicates a non-viable fetus (8 months is certainly viable). When the baby is that far along, it's considered a stillbirth.
DO:
Acknowledge that she's had a loss.
Tell her if there's anything you can do, you'll be there (and mean it)
Make a casserole and take it over (something easy and universally liked, like cheese lasagna or macaroni and cheese)
Tell her that it's normal and all right to hurt.
Send her a condolence note.
Tell her you know some websites that offer support when and if she's interested (I've listed them below)
Pray for peace for her.
DO NOT!
Tell her she'll be able to have another child.
Tell her she needs to get over it.
Pretend like nothing happened.
Talk with others about it in hushed tones - believe me, she'll notice.
Ask for details. If you've offered your support, she'll share with you what she's comfortable with.
Tell her that she needs to stay positive and start moving on.
Tell her it could have been worse, she could have had the baby and then lost it after she had become attached to it (Yeah, people really say that)
Refer to the baby as it - use he or she for gender.
Tell her it was probably for the best (usually people say this in early miscarriages because of the perception there was something genetically wrong with the child)
She's been through a horrible tragedy, and people's reactions can really make or break a fragile emotional state. It sounds like you want to be a great friend about this, and I commend you. Basically it boils down to being there when and if she needs you and allowing her to grieve without instructing her on how to do it.
2006-07-07 03:55:46 · answer #1 · answered by tagi_65 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with the first answer to tell her how sorry you are, and ask if there is anything you can do to comfort her. Don't avoid the subject completely, as it will make you look bad in the end, like you didn't care.
Maybe add that your prayers are with her and her family? I've heard that plenty and it seems comforting and genuine.
Always avoid "I know how you feel, I can imagine, I know what you're going through", unless you really have gone through the same thing. And even if you have, some people still don't like hearing these words.
2006-07-07 03:57:03 · answer #2 · answered by The Older Woman 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First you should know that anything after 20 weeks of pregnancy is considered stillborn, not miscarried.. mothers who lose children often WANT to talk about it.. maybe just give her a hug tell her how sorry you are and if she ever needs an ear to fill she knows where to find you. When she gets back to work do little things for her- offer to make copies, get her coffee or lunch, things like that and if she does come to you wanting to talk about it, be empathetic and listen. She probably doesn't need you to say anything, just to hear what SHE has to say.
2006-07-07 03:47:29 · answer #3 · answered by Jennifer F 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just give her a hug!!! I had a miscarriage in 2004 and people came up to me trying to comfort but it just hurt when they would say it just was not meant to be. If you have gone through infertility and finally accomplish pregnancy just to have it end up in a miscarriage you wonder what did I do wrong. All I can say is I can not wait to meet my other 2 angels in heaven someday , but i have been blessed with a daughter she celebrates her 1st birthday on Thanksgiving this year and I have 5 yr old boy so I hope I didn't ramble on too much!!!!
2006-07-07 03:57:58 · answer #4 · answered by daisyduckhippo 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dont tell her she will have other children. Be her friend, listen to her when she wants to talk about it. Tell her in time the pain will be less, but never go away. Just be there for her. Maybe do some activities to help her get her mind on other things. The hospital gave me a plaque with the date of death and small hand and foot prints. That means alot to me.
2006-07-07 03:46:44 · answer #5 · answered by lorieouchmytoe 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course, everyone deals with grief differently so it's hard to say what is the perfect answer.
When I miscarried, my colleagues were great. Work was a place to distract myself from my loss so I absolutely did not want a bunch of hoopla. Most everyone quietly acknowledged my loss in private and gave me my space. It was exactly what I needed.
I will always remember my babies that I never held. It will always hurt. Nothing anyone could say can fix that but support is always appreciated.
2006-07-07 03:52:26 · answer #6 · answered by beezkneez 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes an empathetic pat of the hand or an impromptu hug can say what words cannot. Don't force her to talk about it nor should you shun her away from talking about it.
I'm sorry doesn't cover it so it is best to show your support in a kind gesture.
2006-07-07 03:44:29 · answer #7 · answered by bootsjeansnpearls 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only thing you can say. What would you normally tell someone when they have lost a loved one to death?
Just tell her you're sorry for her loss and that you can help her in any way you can. Just be there for her.
It breaks my heart to hear about someone losing a baby....
2006-07-07 03:43:18 · answer #8 · answered by Jessie P 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't bring it up, it might be uncomfortable and painful for her. If you two are close, tell her you are there for her if she needs to talk. You can say your sorry for her loss, but mostly it is best to just listen.
2006-07-07 03:46:12 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing you can say. No matter what it would seem so inferior to what I'm sure you want to express. So, just be there when she needs to cry.
2006-07-07 03:46:20 · answer #10 · answered by teacher1628 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋