i am extremely jealous person, what should i do to change myself? i hate to being jealous...please help?

Question

i really need some advice about being jealous, i really want to change myself completely and stop being such a stupid jealous person, my married doesnt seem happy because i am so jealous of my husband, i cant control my thoughts when my husband says somethings about girls or his friends, no matter what my thought will be automatic thinking that he would be cheating on me or likes another girls more than me..i know ..i am really sick, please help me..i dont want to get divorced because he cant stand my behavier.

Answer 1

What were your previous relationships like? People have the tendancy to carry baggage from previous relationships into their new relationships. Doing so is involuntary..that is, we naturally ''erect walls'' to prevent future heart aches (especially if trust was an issue). Are there similarities between your husband and your prior interests? In other words, do they act alike and/or do they say and do things that are similar? If so, you could be ''jumping to conclusions'' in regards to your husband's actions/words. If a prior interest talked about other women and if it almost always resulted in a sexual encounter, it doesn't necessarily mean that your husband talks to women for the same purpose. On the same note, if hanging out with friends was your ex's way of getting away from you, it doesn't mean that your husband wants to get away from you when he talks about or hangs out with his friends.

I found myself under similar circumstances early in my marriage. Eventually I discovered that I wanted to be the center of my husband's world. In my mind, if I wasn't the center of his world, I felt worthless and ugly. I felt this way because my prior interests tried to convince me that I was worthless and ugly. It's only natural to feel insecure and jealous of others when you've been rejected in the past. Next time you find yourself feeling jealous, take a step back and try not to assess the situation so deeply. In other words, don't "read too far" into it. Just try it...it won't be easy, but the end result will probably shock you. Should you discover that all along you've been over-reacting, don't kick yourself in the *** for it (you're not alone!). Instead, find ways to promote your self esteem and to view the world in more optimistic manner. Chances are, you're not comfortable with yourself (most women with a history of bad relationships do not like themselves). They don't like themselves because they've been taught that they're un-likable. Eventually they convince themselves that everyone hates them and they abandon their self worth. Ask yourself, "what do I base my self worth upon?". Is it based upon how loved you are? If so, you could be suffering from ''approval addiction" - in other words, your self worth is dependent upon the approval of others. I spent many years being a ''people-pleaser" and I wore myself out because it's impossible to please everyone. It was like a game of tug-of-war and I was the rope. Be more of a God-pleaser, because insecurity is a form of discouragement - and discouragement is the devil's best tool.

Answer 2

In my totally not any kind of mental health professional experience, it seems to me that there are a few reasons people are really jealous:
1: They want to control everyone and everything.
If this is the case, maybe try giving away tiny bits of control here and there. Let him pick out the movie, decide what's for dinner, things like that. Then realize that things are ok even though someone else had control over a situation.
2: No self confidence.
Realize that you are the one he picked. Remind yourself daily of all of the good things about you and work on building your self esteem.
3: There's a reason to be jealous.
If he really behaves inappropriately with other women, excessive flirting or worse, you should make it clear to him - without freaking out and flying into a rage or something - that this is really causing you some serious concerns and he needs to be more aware of how he's behaving around other women. If he has a history of cheating or something, you may need to seek counseling of some sort to work it out and get the trust back.
4: The jealous person is the one with something to hide.
If you have done something or some things that you're keeping from him, it will build a ridge between you and cause you to pounce on him when you normally might not because generally speaking, as human beings, I believe we can't stand it when we do something wrong and we have to make the other person wrong to justify what we've done. If this is the case, come clean and rebuild.
Just my thoughts...Good luck!

Answer 3

Hey Brownie, First being jealous is a very normal feeling for someone who loves another person. But yes you can go overboard. If he loves you (which I'm sure he does) you have nothing to worry about. Handle this problem one day at a time or one minute at a time if you have to. Explain to your husband how you feel and why you feel it. Ask if he feels the same about you and if he gets jealous. I remember with my wife the thing that stopped me from being so jealous was that she was jealous also. It was like the two things balanced each other out. Your not sick, you just love someone. Ask yourself a question and answer it today, What is love? Good Luck Honey

Answer 4

Being jealous CAN make you sick. You don't have enough self esteem right now. I have a feeling he knows this and may (not definitely, but from what you are saying) is feeding into these fears you have - talking about girls, etc. That isn't right. He probably loves you but doesn't realize what he is doing or is doing it on purpose to make him feel better about himself. It sounds like you are both fairly young (young married couple) and you will still continue to mature over the years and this jealous side of you should subside somewhat. If it doesn't, then you will end up reading too much into things and the fears will not be logical. He should know that you are not feeling very secure about yourself right now and if he was a real "man" in love with his wife, he would help you by not making comments that he knows will hurt you. It wouldn't kill him to zip his lips instead of spouting off "whatever." At the same time, you need to work on you. How about a counselor to help you get through this? I think that is a great idea. They are great at this sort of thing. You are not alone in this arena either and it's sad because jealousy or the "green monster" can tear you up. Don't allow that to happen to you. You may want to say this to him too "you know I'm not feeling very secure about myself right now; yet you continue to make these comments, etc. and I'm working on my insecurity issues, but you aren't helping. I thought you loved me and I would have assumed that if you did, you would be helping me through this as opposed to putting me down." Good luck.

Answer 5

nothing wrong being jealous here. You just love him so much. I think the only thing to do is be jealous and don't add anything after that thought. Just don't let your creative mind wonders. Most of the time it might be wrong. Take facts into consideration. Is your husband around when you need him? if he does, he is a good husband.Is he neglecting his responsibilities to you and his children? if he is not neglecting his responsibilities.. he is a good husband. Maybe you should count all the good characteristic he has and forget about his shortcoming. Some guys just loves to brag.. he likes to see you feel jealous, to see that you still loves him. Maybe you has not being showing your feelings to him lately. A guy at 40's may not look good as compared to when he is at his prime age of 20's or 30's. Just think about it.

Answer 6

Sounds like your husband does not respect your feelings by talking about other women. Not sure he's a very nice guy. Don't feel bad. Now go out and get a great job, hobbie and friends of your own. He may just get jealous of you. Be more confident in yourself and it will all work out.

Answer 7

OK, honey....I'm gonna give it to you straight woman to woman. You are pushing your man away and eventually, he will do exactly what you are accusing him of. Men are visual creatures. They want/need to see...to look at other women. SO WHAT? Your man (and every other man) has testosterone and will look until he's dead and buried. It's in a mans nature to do that. It doesn't mean he's wanting to be with someone else, nor does it mean that he's thinking of cheating. It simply means that he's LOOKING. Something like window shopping. You can shop in the mall and look in the windows. That doesn't mean you're going in to try on the dress/shoes; nor does it mean that you will buy them; but hell, it doesn't cost anything to LOOK. Another thing...give him some rope. Let him get his appetite anywhere as long as he comes home to you for supper! You have to grow up, girl, if you want to keep this man...or you're going to make it easy for some wise gal to steal him from you. Stop your bitchin'...

Answer 8

you will never be able to get over jealousy without his help. i am exactly the same way but for various reasons and some bad experiances with my wife. Now i realize its not your personality in general, but how the person your with, makes you feel. i'll be very good attitude wise for days,,than just when i start feeling better, she will say something or act a ceartain way to bring me back 2 steps. If the person truly loves you, you would never and they would never try to make you feel that way. Tell him how you feel and what you need from him, emotional wise. he shouldnt have a problem with that if he truly cares...

Answer 9

well being jealous is not abnormal in conjugal life, in a sence its a side affect of your love to your partner. it's really good that you feel that there are some wrong with it. and your willingness to be better really a good step to make your relation better. discuss with your partner easily about this isssue, listen from him, trust him as much as possible and finally reach to a point where this emotion can be in control.

Answer 10

i think it would benefit you to speak to someone you cant continue like this, it will destroy you, and destroy your marriage, jealousy is a very strong emotion that everyone feels now and again, but usually it passes, unless there is a real reason why this jealousy would continue, you need to talk about it with your husband also you need reassurance he is not interested in anyone else, i think once you get this, your jealousy will pass. Good luck.