Here's the scenario: One spouse makes it perfectly clear that viewing any kind of pornography in a marraige is unacceptable.The couple's sex life is normal or above normal and the deceptive spouse does it anyway and spends an enormous amount of money on the stuff and puts a lot of effort into lying about it and hiding it and then blames the other person (not enough sex) when they get caught. The offended spouse feels hurt and betrayed and quite disgusted every time the offending spouse does this. Every time the guilty spouse does it, he says he won't do it again. The lies hurt more and more than the actual act of viewing the porn. Is this considered addiction? Do any of you view this as a sort of infidelity or cheating? I am at a crossroads and I can't take it anymore. My spouse hasn't done this in months (so he says) and I think my scars are too deep to regain any trust. This is an elaboration from my previous question. Any advice will be welcome.
2006-07-05 15:46:01 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I was actually a very open minded person when we met, even watching a few movies with him at first. But they didn't do a thing for me and once I caught him the first time doing it behind my back, I really didn't think much of it. Even the second and third times did not affect me much. But after a while I started realizing the magnitude of his "appreciation" of these movies. In one month he managed to rent on PPV and at a local video store, 65 movies-all behind my back. Tell me how I am supposed to jump in (yippee) and enjoy that. I was a very sexual confident girl when I met him and never had to deal with it before. Since that 65 movies in a month deal I have had about 4 "major" incidents. Let me put it in perspective. If I replaced the word "porn" with the word "drugs" and the word "movies" with "Crack", this wouldn't be much of a debate. I wouldn't be getting advice to jump in there and participate.But porn is legal. But that doesn't mean that I have to accept it.
2006-07-05 16:33:19 · update #1
I do not believe this is cheating. But if he is spending money that you do not have on this.. it is definately an addiction.
Addictions are a betrayal because they cause many problems for the people involved. Regardless of the kind of addiction: porn, drugs, alcohol, gambling. There is always problems involved with these. He should not blame you for his addiction.. but many addicts will blame the people around them for their problems. Remember that he needs help to get over it if it is true addiction.
What do you need to do: whatever is best for YOU. If you cannot live with his problems, you will probably need counselling for yourself as well, or will need to move on to a new life. GOOD LUCK.
2006-07-05 16:28:34 · answer #1 · answered by sheristeele 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I am not going to try and make you change your mind as far as watching porn in concerned. You feel the way you do for whatever reason. Maybe he needs more stimulation. Pornography can be an addiction just as much as alcohol can be an addiction. Obviously you have communicated your feelings with your husband, but he still feels the need to watch these movies. I know some couples can bring this into their sexual relations, but it seems like you have a problem with that. I don't view this as being infidelity or cheating, I view it as a form of lying. I can see how you can distrust him if he says that he's not doing it anymore and he still is. I believe that this can become a real issue in a marriage, and you should really seek some form of counseling, whether separately or together. You wouldn't want something like this to spoil what can be a good marriage.
2006-07-05 15:58:20 · answer #2 · answered by BluePassion 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it's that offensive and you take it as a character deficiency then you should ask yourself why you're still with him. I mean, if it was that big of a deal, why are you still with him. The problem isn't with the pornography, it's with you and him. I'm sure you do things that he doesn't like. No adult likes being told what to do, especially by their spouse. Maybe explaining your feelings about how you feel when he watches it, rather than telling him NO could make a difference. And if it's something that he really enjoys and it doesn't interfere with your life then why make a huge issue of it? If it's the money that's an issue, give him an allowance for it, but don't make him stop doing it. Obviously that doesn't work anyways. You should ask yourself why you feel so threatened by some tapes? Maybe you should watch some, either alone or with him. Might change your views. Good luck.
2006-07-05 16:02:19 · answer #3 · answered by heidielizabeth69 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The sad truth is that anything that does not add to the love and caring in your relationship is taking away from your relationship.
It could be golf, race cars, or any thing that is not pulling you closer together.
Pornography does all that but also can replace the intimacy in the marriage as well.
It is a problem that will always be there unless you bring it to the light of day.
He may not be doing it now but I bet he thinks about it and that distracts his mind and heart from focusing on you.
Look on the Internet and I am sure there are groups to help or maybe a book to help you both understand better the problems this causes.
The trust and love needs to be nourished each and every day so in time it can grow but it is not easy. Good Luck.
2006-07-05 15:57:42 · answer #4 · answered by dd_otis 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to slow down! Been there done this! Looking at porn is not cheating .as long as no chatting between other gals.If he is looking at porn and its all the time on the net esp.at nite then addiction happens very quickly.The blame game of not having enough sex is not whats up! This feels like betrayal to woman but the men see it very diff ,They like to just look at the good parts not the brain.Remember men dont get emotionally involved by having sex but woman do .Im sorry you have to go thru this ,your in for a bumpy ride on your self esteem,you will need to really dig deep and know its not you.Its them and there problem only.Like a alcoholic you dont make them drink.Go on the net and look up porn addiction there is no cure its like crack.cause its visual its worse! my husband is addicted and I live with it and if you need extra help you can email me! take care!
2006-07-05 15:58:32 · answer #5 · answered by jessy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is betrayal, plain and simple. If it is offensive to you, he should respect that and not do it. If he cannot stop, he has a problem and should seek professional help. Pornography warps the user's sense of what normal is. They then set the bar for what will satisfy them higher and higher until it is way out of proportion to what sex is in a healthy, normal relationship. The lies on top of the porn addiction create a great deal of mistrust and hurt and he needs to understand what that is doing to your relationship.
2006-07-05 15:56:19 · answer #6 · answered by CleverGal 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Relax some, everyone looks at things different. I was once the type that did not want to have anything to do with porn. But after watching a few it was exciting. So maybe if you join in with him. You might see that it is not all that bad.
2006-07-05 15:57:58 · answer #7 · answered by freebirdat2002 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, it is an addiction, and he is making excuses by blaming your sex life to justify/ excuse it/ make YOU the guilty one. I guarantee you it hasn't stopped, just moved location. he needs help, because porn twists the normal into the abnormal, and what he wants is can't be satisfied. And what do you think he's doing while he's watching it?
2006-07-05 15:53:10 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk about it together and come to something your both happy with if not say bye bye
2006-07-05 15:59:03 · answer #9 · answered by jamesiewaimsy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please let loose a little bit. It is a film, not a real person. why not join in on the fun? your bringing your man down. poopy
2006-07-05 15:51:22 · answer #10 · answered by adrixia 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋