Serious question, serious answers please?

Question

My wife tells me this past weekend that I have no idea what it takes to be a husband. Ok, what does that mean? I love her, I provide for us a nice home, good food, transportation and entertainment when possible. I try to be cuddley and intimate, but most times, she's too tired, or has some excuse for not wanting to make love. We used to go like rabbitts, and we both enjoy many aspects of sex, including oral, and some toys, but lately, I'm lucky if shes in the mood twice a month. I guess I'm looking for serious answers to the question "What does it take to be a husband". Because to hear her tell it, I am a lousy husband, but I don't feel like I am, so what's the deal anyway?

Ok, many of you have said the same things so, yes, I asked her what that meant, she said she is too tired and too old to explain or "train" me. She was married for 26 years to a guy who ended up leaving her for a younger woman, I know, she got a shitty deal, but that was 6 years ago, and we have been together for almost 5 years now. I give her massages, I ask how her day was, she is basically angry most of the time, and no matter what makes her angry, it ends up being directed towards me. She said I need to find out on my own, what it takes to be a husband, WTF? I mean, she expects me to come home and "cry or weep and moan about everything that bothers me" I try to tell her, nothing bothers me that much, but she still says I never share my emotions with her. I just don't get it, what is she expecting from me?

Answer 1

It has nothing to do with you at all. She is not happy with herself for some reason and she is using you as the scape goat. Something is going on inside of her that she hasn't shared with you. Maybe regret for her first marriage, anger because of what her ex did. Could be many things. But if you do all the things you say you do, then your a great husband. Sounds to me that she doesn't like herself much. She is full of anger and she doesn't know what to do with it so she directs it to you. She is just not happy, bottom line. She needs to get some counseling if possible to deal with her issues. It has nothing to do with you. A husband loves you, provides for you, shows you that he cares, tells you that he cares, is there for you when you just need a good cry and a cuddle and is understanding. But.... if your not getting any of this in return from your wife, you kinda loose interest in giving. Marriages which have one spouse that is the giver all the time, usually never works. That spouse becomes bitter. Sounds like you have talked to her about this and she is not being clear at what she wants. Ask her to write down all the things she thinks your suppose to do to be the husband that she wants, then go from there.

Answer 2

Only she can tell you what that means, because what she really meant was "you have no idea what it takes to be the kind of husband that I want."

Tell her "I want to be a good husband, and I thought I was; since I don't seem to know how to be the husband you need, tell me what needs to change, and I'll do my best."

Assuming you're sincere, this goes one of two ways:

#1: You sit down, she tells you a laundry list of things. You say, okay, I'll concentrate on one at a time. You write it down, and ask her which one is most important to her. She tells you, you learn to change (assuming it's not unreasonable or unattainable) and you repeat until everyone's happy. Then you give her a list of things SHE needs to change. Heh.

#2: She says "if you can't figure it out, I'm not going to tell you." If you get that answer, then she's abandoned the relationship. She's decided that you're no longer partners; you're now this guy she's stuck with. Without communication, there can be no improvement, and she's asking you to read her mind. Get counseling, and if it doesn't work, call it quits.

Answer 3

It sounds to me like there's some kind of outside influance dragging her down. Or maybe a physical problem. You said she was married for a long time before, and you;ve been together 5 years. Possibly starting menopause? Start at your doctors to rule out a physical problem. After that find out if there is some work related problem or other outside problem messing with her head. Could she be getting bad advice from someone who's going through a bad time? Divorce/ death in family/ etc? Also lets face it. Is there any reason for her to suspect something with you? Is there something you did or didn't do that she relied on you to take care of? Any reason for her to suspect infidelity? True or not? How good are you at remembering Anniversaries/birthdays/holidays./etc? Cuddly and intimate is one thing, but how emotionally supportive are you? Can she trust you unquestionably? Do you "have her back" so to speak? Her emotional health is just as important as her physical health. Your relationship depends on all these things.

Answer 4

Try observing your wife's behavior a few weeks. Is she spending a lot of time away from home? Could it be that she is comparing you to someone else? Ask her to tell you or to write down some of the things she needs you to do to be a better husband. If she complies then evaluate them and see if you can do them. If she acts disinterested, find out if she needs to see a doctor for some illness she may be unaware of that makes her too tired to make love with you. If she is well, she could have a lover on the side.

Answer 5

Either you're leaving something out or she's harboring some sort of resentment for you. Regardless, you need to ask her without being argumentative what it would take for you to be a husband the way SHE sees it. Let her know you love her more than anything in the world and ask her what you can do to be a good husband to her. If she can't give you a good answer, then she's got some issues and you'd best resolve them together through counseling. Good luck.

Answer 6

Life, seriously is it time for the "change" in her life give her a message and see if she enjoys that and move from there, Women get tired of sex like before when they get older not to say she doesn't want it anymore see what changed in her life to make her feel that way, providing all the worldly goods r fine but there is more to life then material things, try talkin' and ask her what she feels it may save u more then u think. Good Luck.

Answer 7

Only one that can answer that is your wife since she is the one that stated it. Ask her to give you her idea of what it takes to be a good husband. It takes a good husband, good wife and good communication. For some reason alot of times a loved one seems to think that we can read their minds......very unfair! It should seem just as valuable when someone does something due to the fact we asked for it. It is the fact that they listened and cared enough for us to put forth the effort to make us happy. You need to ask her and she needs to open up and confide in you.

Answer 8

Maybe shes stressed out with things around the house or things at work. Help her de stress. Help out around the house more. Cook her dinner. When she comes home from work have everything done so she can just lay back and relax. To be a husband you need to be caring, willing to compromise, understanding, at times willing to give more than you get.

Answer 9

well honestly, sounds like most things you are doing good in, i am wondering though how much romance do you bring into sex and how much romance do you bring on while you are just enjoying eachother, how many times do you tell her you love her? women need to hear that you love them at least once a day, they need you to show action just how much you are stil in love with them. so spending time together is alwasys good but maybe its not personalized enough, like make it special. take her to the place you first met and make it special all over again, take her to the park for a picnic, make a card for her that shows you remember all of the older good times and list the new ones you love as well, for example when you write it, tell her how you remember the fist time you kissed and what it was like, the first time you said to eachother i love you, where you had your first date, tell her you know she loves"her favorite flower name", then get to other stuff, tell he what it is that you love so much about her, tell her how you love it when she smiles at you, or when she holds your hand , or anything like that, that you love about her. and then out side of doing the card when she is dont reading it, tell her that you love her so much and cant see your life without her, that you are trying to figure out what it is that you are doing wrong for your relationship to go the way it is going and ask her to forgive you and ask her what is wrong, ask her to tell you what it is your doing wrong that is making he so unhappy so that you two can fix it together. and then realize maybe she would like you to do things for her but not with her sometimes, every woman needs to have some nice deserved alone time, so get her a certificate for a message place that does those mud baths and facials. give it to her and say here honey i think you need to go do something from your self! hug her once in a while to. well good luck i wish you the best, we are hard to figure out sometimes i know , but if you realy try things like this it realy helps we normaly break down and give in to what is wrong, and come to find out it is not realy all your fault most of the time, some times we just go threw things and not talk about them and then we put that with little things that arent the same between us and our husbands and make you feel like it is all you. i wish you the best.

Answer 10

thats a tuffy, you sound like a decent guy. Try asking her exactly what she wants, like the exercise active listening. Just everything she says repeat back to her in a way that conveys you know what she is saying. If not take her out spontaneously and do something totally romantic, spend the $$$$ it may ne worth it !
Good luck :)