what to do about son who loves dad but dad is not around?

Question

My son is 9 and his father and i have been divorced for 1 1/2 yrs. He loves his dad (who is a alcoholic, drug abuser) and im sure his dad loves him to, but my son doesnt get to see his dad but 2-3 times a month and when he does its only for a short while (1 hr at most) his father has a girl friend as i do a boyfriend my son loves them both. His dad has always been his everything. Dad breaks promises to him all the time and my son just is so depressed all the time (he also has adhd and odd) no matter what i say to my son he doesnt understand why his dad doesnt "love" him i am at my end i hate seeing my son so upset. People tell me i should keep my son away from his dad until he grows up but i dont know if that will devistate my son please help

Answer 1

The best thing you can do is to let your son develop his own feelings about his dad, whether they be good or bad, now and forever. I guarantee if you try to "put" something into his mind about his dad being irresponsible or worse, he won't care and might even resent you for it. That is just the way kids are, they think the best of their parents until they are old enough to know better. It is then, and only then, when you can objectively voice your opinion about him. Don't apologize for your son's father, just help him to have healthy relationships with other men (maybe your boyfriend) who won't disappoint him. Make sure your boyfriend is going to stick around for the long haul before choosing this option though, is my suggestion. Best wishes =)

Answer 2

dam that's a complicated question. i doubt i can give you the best answer but I'll try to help on some of the things i see.

first off i would never recommend telling that child that his dad doesn't love him.that's probably the worst thing you can do after he has just been let down by his dad( maybe i just read that wrong).

I know as a parent you don't want to lie to your child but if you want to allow him to see his dad every so often, lie when his father falls threw. I'm not saying that you have to tell him something to glorify his father but something like "your Father is sick right now and couldn't come to see you, I'm sure that he wants to be here but can't." it's not far from the truth and he may understand what you where saying when he grows up and be grateful for you discretion.

I'm sure you have already tried to explain how all this is affecting your son to the father. if not please do and inform him what type of excuse you're going to use for when he lets his son down so he doesn't counter-dict what you said later and make you look like a liar.

if your boyfriend is playing the role of the father as well and you are sure that he's going to stick around then i would recommend trying to increase activities with your son. if the father lets him down take him to the park or even just go out for ice cream so he doesn't mope about it for long.

your son is already 9 in the next few years he will grow faster and so will how he sees things. your sons eyes will open to the situation on his own and he will come to see that his father has faults and is sick. the idea is for him to see it on his own and slowly he will, at a pace he can handle. in the end he may love you more for being a great mother and for not trying to bring him up to hate his father like some other people might.

i wish i was happier with my answer but like i said it's a difficult situation to be able to answer easily

Answer 3

Well, keep your son and his dad apart is not really the answer. 2 or 3 times a month for like an hour is basically forever to your son. He will take any time he can get, even a second is better then never seeing his dad, in his eyes. He won't be happy not seeing his dad at all, it's not like he will forget he has one.

You could try talking to dad, get him to step up to the job a bit more. You might have to play travel agent and day planer, get them together somehow to do something for a whole day(at least more then an hour). You might have to 'give in' to dad, watch his dog or wash is car....whatever, it does not matter much as it's for your son.(It's worth jump ping through any hoop dad makes for your son...you just have to suck it up). Now that's not saying you should let dad walk all over you, but giving a little would sure make your son, at least, a little bit more happy.

Answer 4

As they say, time heals all wounds. I know someone similar to your son. At age 9 the heaven and earth shine upon his Dad. His Dad remarried and he chose his new wife over his son. The boy has been basically abused physically and emotionally. But now that he is 15 he knows where his home is. He thinks a lot of his Dad but his home is with his Mom. That is where he will stay till he leaves home after graduation. Give your son time to know that promises are meant to be broken and he will realize Dad is not really a Father.

Answer 5

Let me tell you what I tell my 10 yo son -- he sees his addicted dad about as often as yours does, and my son loves his daddy, too. Does Dad love son? It seems like he used to, before his addiction got so bad.
I tell my son that his father has a "brain problem, a mental illness, that has been getting worse and worse." I have finally decided to truthfully say that the illness is a big reason for our divorce a year ago. Because of this illness (and addiction _is_ a mental illness) Daddy doesn't think clearly a lot of the time. He doesn't act normally. And he can't think and act like he loves his son. But we can hope that someday he'll accept the help he needs to get better. In the meantime, we'll set boundaries to protect ourselves. We'll see Dad when it is safe to. If it's not safe, then we'll set boundaries on how and when we see Dad. Sometimes we don't see Dad for a while if it doesn't seem safe.

If you're not sure what is safe and what isn't -- and this can be difficult because when you are involved with an addict you can forget what is "normal"! then ask a counselor to help you think it through. It's not just about physical safety -- emotional safety is just as important.

Try to get some counseling for your son, and also for yourself if you haven't learned about "boundaries" and how they work to help every relationship you have, both good and bad. I encourage you to accept the fact that every son wants to love his Daddy, no matter what.

If we can make it okay for our sons to love their daddies, to feel hurt and angry sometimes and know how to handle that, and to be able to set good boundaries with dad, then I'm very optimistic about their futures. Good luck, sister. You're not alone. May God bless you and your son both.

Answer 6

I'm so sorry to hear about your predicament. There aren't any easy answers to give you.

You're not accountable for the behavior of your ex. You could, however, for the sake of your son, try to communicate this to your ex. I suggest you try to do so in writing. Major on how your son feels, rather than accusing your ex of everything he already knows he's doing.

Doing it in writing has the advantage of him returning to the letter to review what you've written, which he can't do in a conversation.

But even this may not help him change his behavior. And at that point, that's all you can really do. It's hard at that age to help your son understand that life is unfair, is full of suffering and pain, and that broken homes are never a good thing.

But those are the cards you are all dealt, and I'm not sure what else to tell you that will actually help.

Answer 7

As a daughter of an alcoholic, I have been without my father for 21 years, and I am better off. He is abusive, broke promises to me and my brother, lied to us, chose girlfriends over us, and broke my heart. I have let him go, and learned to deal with the fact that he didn't want to be a father. Some men just weren't cut out to be fathers.....Your son really doesn't need to be involved with him if he is a drug addict, I mean I know he loves him, but thats not fair, and if he is getting depressed, its best that he not see his father at all...its not so bad.

Answer 8

Well word of experience it may be hurting your son that your ex is breaking promises to him but do not keep him from your ex it will just come back on you. What I would do is let your son still see your ex but just not as much. I know it is not that much now but maybe your ex will come to his senses and see what he is missing out on. My daughter only sees her father about every 6 months and that is his decision because he feels she is not that important to come and see. Your son will grow up and remember the stuff his father put him through and remember you were always by his side sticking by him. Good Luck and Best Wishes

Answer 9

Keep doing what you're doing, compensate for his dad's lack of attention and if need be..., ring your ex when your sons really down, and tell him he needs to ring back and tell your son he loves him. Make it clear to your ex that he is not to make any more,'promises', to your son despite that his intentions may be honourable because this upsets your son. Whatever you do, never badmouth your ex to or around your son, don't make him stop seeing him because the void your son feels will feel even bigger. Your son will understand as his maturity grows that you both love him but that, you're the reliable parent while his dad is the occasional one. Good luck, you're a strong woman, stay that way.

Answer 10

Mark my words the day will come when your son says he wants nothing to do with that man, he will know what he is like by then. The best thing for you to do is say nothing bad about him around your son and let your son make his own decisions. Yes it hurts to watch the pain he will cause your boy but its better he finds out on his own. If you keep him away from his dad he will blame you for the rest of your life. Do you want that?