How do I spice up our married sex life??

Question

This sounds like an easy question but it's not. My husband and I had been, ahem, "around the block" quite a few times before meeting each other, and now it all seems so "been there done that". It's a very special relationship, but when it comes to sex we hit a blank wall. We're both over 40 and I can't come up with anything new! It's very frustrating, and getting to a point where we're losing our libido. Has anybody heard about this problem? I haven't seen or heard about it at all! Please tell me there's hope!!! Any and all ideas will be tried out. Thanks.

Answer 1

First of all, it IS fairly common but not many people talk about it because, I believe, most people just assume that it's inevitable and they accept it. I've been married for 27 years, I DON'T accept it, and I don't suffer from the problem. So I'm here to tell you that it IS possible not to be bored with a long-term sex partner.

When our kids were little, they used to whine that they were bored. My wife's standard response was, "I am NOT responsible for boredom." They then had to go invent a way to keep from being bored. (Naturally, we would make sure this didn't involve anything dangerous or malicious, but the kids had to come up with their own ways of keeping themselves entertained.)

I believe that boredom signals a place where you've given up responsibility and assigned it to some outside source, person or circumstance. Of the friends I've talked to who express boredom with a long-term partner, I'm convinced that it's at least in part because the friend who asks about it has made newness -- novelty -- new partners or new experiences -- responsible for their sexual interest and excitement.

So... if you no longer have a constant stream of new experiences to keep your interest, as happens with a long-term partner, what can you do to generate your own sexual interest and excitement? Exploring THAT question is the key to not being bored, and exploring it as a couple is crucial because you quite literally can't do it on your own.

Having addressed this key, though, I can offer some specific tips, which should be fun to try out. They're a regular part of what we do, and I for example still get aroused when giving my wife a backrub. So here are a few things to try:

1 - Never have sex twice in a row in the same position/sequence. As I once quipped, "Pizza is the OTHER thing I enjoy more than once a day, and I don't even turn it cheesy-side down for variety the second time." And don't forget, putting your head down at the foot of the bed counts as a different position. In other words, if you aren't going to vary the partner, at least vary the scenery.

2 - Don't always have sex in the same place. This gets a lot tougher if you've got kids because nobody wants to get up for a drink in the middle of the night and see Mom and Dad getting squelchy on the sofa. (In the words of Bart Simpson, "Only sick people want to watch MY parents kiss!") On the other hand, if you're over 40 you can probably afford the occasional night at a charming little B&B or even the local No-Tell Motel. Or pretend your 19 again and go do it in the car. (Extra points if you live in an apartment complex with a common parking area!) Or throw down a blanket and have each other in the back yard on a warm night. (Sex outdoors is always good for an extra thrill because there's the risk of being caught, but that's a whole separate treatise.)

3 - Don't always have sex at the same time of day. Come home for lunch, and stop at the drive-through on the way back to the office. Send everybody to play at friends' houses and have each other on a Sunday afternoon (great in combination with suggestion #2). Wake your spouse at 3 AM and say you need help getting back to sleep.

4 - Remember, what makes a TV series work is that sexual tension can last a lot longer than sexual gratification. Go out to a swanky dinner in your finest posh frock, then slip into the ladies' room, remove your underpants, and hand them to him when you return to the table. As they're delivering the salad...

5 - Buy a sex toy in secret and spring it on your partner. http://www.xandria.com has a great selection of everything you could imagine (and maybe some you can't...), the service is prompt and the shipping is discreet. And you get a neat catalog to browse through later after you've worn out the batteries. (Actually, looking through the catalog or Web site together is another great way to build sexual tension.)

6 - Engage in conversation about the difference between sex and intimacy; give examples. What do you consider overtly sexual? Name specific acts, parts of the body, types of contact, etc. Don't assume anything, be thorough. Now, what is not necessarily sexual but is something you still consider to be very intimate? You can explore comparisons -- for example, which is more intimate, rubbing somebody's shoulders or rubbing somebody's feet? Again, be explicit -- list things you'd never do with someone you weren't intimate with, or things you do that would SIGNIFY intimacy. It could be things you tell about yourself as well as body parts you do and don't permit people to touch; explore the question for yourselves, with each other.

The key to #6 -- which I believe to be the most important of all -- is that, among other things, being really INTIMATE together is never boring, because it's something that continues to grow and develop as you change through the years. And if you can create your sex lives as an expression of that intimacy, you're always experiencing sex inside of something that is ever changing and ever growing. And that NEVER gets old.

Answer 2

Sounds like you two have a need for adventure in your sex life. Like half of the excitement in sex for you two is in the daring of trying something new and different. After awhile you are right, you are going to run out of things to try at some point. The key to good sex as you age is to learn to enjoy the sensations more. Now that your over 40 you are going to see some reductions in your libido. It is normal and part of aging. You two are not 20 any more. You will find that it takes a lot more stimulation and more time to reach the same highs you used to get quickly when having sex. Start hanging out at anywebcam.com and see what other people are doing to keep things spiced up in their sex life. Also focus more on the tease and build up and less on the what is new and different. Just because you've done something several times doesn't make it any less enticing.

Answer 3

sure there is hope!! especially since you see the problem and are looking for answers, and hec even if you try things that dont work for you trying will still be fun, its a win win! i don't know what you mean by been there done that, but have you tried new toys and lotions? blindfolds are great fun! i just saw a couples massage class offered here, something like that might be great too, just doing something other than what you normally do, like if he ususally starts it you start it instead, different places, different attitudes and don't worry so much about the labido thing, that really does come and go, if its going now it will come back again and will be lots of fun when it does, the problems happen when one person is going while the other is coming (sorry) if your labidos are on the same track you'll be just fine! good luck to you!

Answer 4

Take a vacation, and have masseuse of the opposite sex massage you both. Swim in the pool if you decide to go on a cruise , enjoy the ambiance of a different location and each other. This is a good time to reminiesce about the days you two had lots of fun.

Answer 5

Well, play things like you were still on that block.

Dress up in your hottest, most slutty outfit. Go to a bar. Sit there at the bar, drinking, looking as fine as you can. Flirt and flirt and flirt with every man in there. Show a lot of skin and tease them. Let your husband watch from the corner of the bar. Then, give him a little signal - let him walk up to you and whisper in your ear, then just leave together, and watch the looks on the faces of all the other guys in there. Then, give him some oral pleasure in the parking lot. Set up fantasies like this, and things will be just fine.

Answer 6

well welcome to the club i feel the same way but there is hope after 40 . we are the problem we want to take con troll of everything and we can`t so we need to give them back there pants and go with there fantasy like were something sexy,
than some warm rubbing oil and let the sparks fly and then it is your turn .please remember it does take two what goes around comes around .test out different things you and your mate will be more satisfied in the long run happy exploring

Answer 7

Play sex games! It may sound silly but you could both fantasize together as doctor/patient, doctor/nurse, master/slave, teacher/student (not pedophilia), or any number of things. Try masturbating together or each other and try out toys and costumes. Watch porn or look at magazines together. Keep an open mind and go to strip clubs together, maybe try a threesome.

Answer 8

loosen up, try some new positions, maybe include some toys, do something to him that you have never done before. Surprise him! Buy some books on sexual positions, there are tons of things you can do to each other.

Have fun! Enjoy and taste each other!

Answer 9

Get away somewhere romantic pretend your 18 again.Role play,anything to get the excitement going.I'm over 40 and I haven't lost my libido...lol

Answer 10

Hey, you can go to book stores and buy books with some of any type of information you need on the subject. It would be a little more discreet too.