how does one cope with their fiance's spitting cobra ex wife?

Question

I am completly in love with my fiance and cant wait to begin our life together as a married couple, but his ex missus is a total maniac who is with holding access to his daughter. this frustrates me as not only is it unfair on him but also it is unfair to his little girl, is there anything i can do without aggrivating the situation?

Answer 1

oh my god, you must have my fiance's ex wife! we are going through the same thing, the only thing with us is she makes him jump through so many hoops to see the kids and he does it all. that also gets me going! im sorry i have no solutions but wanted you to know you are not alone.

Answer 2

First: stop calling her a spitting cobra, no matter how much she annoys you. Take the high road.

Second: you can't do anything to stop her. You'll have to stay out of it; if you get involved, you'll just become another target she can aim her blame at.

Instead, concentrate on being very understanding and very patient, not necessarily with the ex-wife, but with the stress and frustration your husband is feeling -- and encourage him to let the courts do the fighting for him. Never suggest that fighting for access to his daughter isn't worth it; instead, simply remind him that the courts are set up to enforce visitation rights whereas he is not, and doing it by the book will give the best odds of success -- and the rest of the time help him reduce his stress level.

Answer 3

Get your fiance to write a letter to the child and post it, addressed to the child to his own address. This way if he doesn't get access at least the child will know (when she grows up) that her dad wanted and loved her - that he tried - the letters will be there unopened for her to read.

Tell your fiance that should he not get to see his daughter, to use the time to prepare for when he does, it doesn't matter when, but prepare. He should go see someone though - a solicitor.

You can only be there to ease his pain - don't run the maniac down, go to the library, go on the net, find out all you can on such a case and this would be a great help to him too -just be sympathetic to him because a mans pain on losing their children is as great as a woman's

Answer 4

There is really nothing you can do except intention or pray. Sit quietly and imagine each of the people involved in this situation (including the ex) smiling and happy - getting along with each other - the little girl most of all. You might also try to imagine her surrounded by the white light of heaven to protect her from negative emotional fallout. The more often and the move vividly you can imagine all of these things, the better off the whole situation will be.

Peace!

Answer 5

Contact a lawyer. She can not withhold access to his child without strong evidence of abuse, neglect or possible endangerment to the child (like a parent is drinking excessively or on drugs or people they hang around are doing such things). Otherwise, she is in contempt of court for keeping him from exercising his visitation rights and she could end up losing custody. Also, my best advise for dealing with her - always be firm but NICE. Never lower yourself to her level. Deal with things in a legal manner in all situations no matter what she does or does not do. Never bad mouth her in front of the child. Children will grow up and make their own opinions. And you should never be the inbetween person nor should the child. Your fiance (or husband if he becomes one) should be the one who communicates directly with his ex. Also, you not only marry the person, you marry their baggage (ex wife included). She will be a part of his life forever because they have a child together. If you choose to proceed with this marriage, be supportive of your husband but always, always nice to the ex. Two wrongs don't make a right! (I'd seek premarital counseling for this issue before I married this guy.)

Answer 6

Im going thru the same thing with a Queen Poisonous Viper. Dont give up your love because of someone full of hate. That's her motive is to keep your fiance from ever having a happy life beyond her. Dont engage with her, let your fiance and her work their issues out, but always be there as a friend to your fiance. A woman who uses their child as a tool to manipulate that child's other parent cant possibly love that child, and one day if the cobra doesnt change, the daughter will figure that one out on her own. Keep your head up, pray for the cobra to be healed of her hate and to give her joy in exchange, pray for your soon to be step-daughter that she never doubts her parent's (including your) love, pray for your fiance that he's not embittered by the cobra's actions, and lean on God thru your trials - He allows those trials to help build your faith, dont repay evil with evil and look forward to a happy life with your man.
God bless.

Answer 7

It is sooooooooo sad how some ex's hold their children over the others head or they are tools to manipulate. I truly believe that the divorce itself doesn't harm the child, but all of the conflict certainly does!! There really isn't anything you yourself can do other than support whatever decision he has on how he wants to deal with his ex. Please, please get this cleared up and taken care of before you are married.....it is very hard to start a marriage with this happening...it will put a strain on you. I know this because I have been thru it with my husband. I am not sure what type of visitation your husband has been granted, it depends on what the divorce decree states. Please explain further regarding this and I can go into more detail. Just so you know, we were granted a change in custody in my husbands favor.

Answer 8

Don't get in the middle of it. Just be supportive of your fiance. This is obviously a problem that existed before you came along- it's not your fault, but by no means should you make it worse. After all, you weren't there to witness these problems, so you can't make an unbiased judgement. Listen to him, help when you can by just "being" there with him. Let him know you're by his side no matter what. Has he tried going through the courts for custody?

Answer 9

No there is not. Also she cannot legally stop him from seeing the daughter unless that was part of the divorce agreement. He needs to take charge of things and force the issue as far as parental rights go. You may have to worry about her attempting to interfere in your relationship if she is a real she-devil. My Brother-in-law has been to court about 10 times in the last 3 years because of his ex. She cannot stand him being with another woman even though she has been living with men since they got divorced.

Answer 10

Be supportive of your fiance and his feelings. By all means do not get "spitting cobra" in return toward the ex. She probably would love that because it would show her that she is getting to you. She is just bitter and jealous right now. As far as his daughter there should be legal guidelines that they are both supposed to follow in regards to visitation, etc.

Answer 11

Unfortunately the only thing you can do is support your fiance through the fight for his daughter. Stay out of the conflict between the two of them no matter how hard that may be. By getting involved with the conflict, you will only make things worse and harder for you fiance. Stand by him and support and help him but don't get directly involved. Good luck!