Help my husband thinks he may be in love with another woman from work?

Question

He has known her for less than 4 months. He tells me that they talked about it before I ever found out about it and decided that they would never act on it but they feel a connection. He was courageous enough to tell me what was going on I have to give him credit in that. I dont know how to deal with it we were all friends and he wants us to remain friends and for them to be friends still as well... I really need some help I feel almost like im outside of myself watching all this crap going on and like I cant even breath or think because it hurts so much. I feel betrayed even though he didnt cheat... How do I cope with this sort of situation

he apologizes to me every day and he says that he would never leave me and that he loves me but i just dont understand and I dont know how to cope with the pain...

Answer 1

Girl wake up. He loves you. Anyman that is man enough to come to you and tell you and be honest about it! He loves you. Its hard when you find out but you know what now that she knows you know maybe she will back off. Get him to take you out places spend time with him quality time. Dont let him have no extra time for her.Or if she is with you let him know in front of her that you love him..hold his hand. The girl will get the hint and move on.Good luck hun and you have found you a good one.

Answer 2

Im so sorry for you baby girl - really. This is a tough one to swallow. Ive been on both ends, and have yet to figure out a happy ending...other than avoid the situation. I will be presumptuous here and say you are partly the cause. I will also applaud him in the fact he was man enough to tell you. The good news: It is either a cry for attention, or a ploy for enacting a response. Either way, there is somthing your missing at home. Only you and he know what that might be. As a former infadel, I can tell you I did it becasue I was either fed-up, or hurt. I require lots of attention, affection, and together time. When I dont get it, I get clingy, and eventually crabby. After a while, it was easy to justify. Let me back up. When Im not getting what I need at home, the first people to know, are the women at work. Not because I tell them, but because its easy to see, in anyone. Once that is evident, people will seem nicer to you. And you begin to think, gosh I wish my wife would look at me like that - I remember when my wife just couldnt stand not being with me. My self-esteem was low, labido high, and judgement out the window. So it's a natrual progression to "fall in love". I also see now, some years later, it was all infactuation, the attention, the slow, sultry, sensual, and invigorating mind screw. The more I denied myself, the more fire grew. Again, you have every opportunity to adjsut, make ammends, and constantly work to prevent this from going further. The bad news is, this is like a FreightTrain, slow to start, steady momentum, and hard to stop. So allthough he may have been honest about the agreement not to act, and may have every intention on being physically true, he may not have control at this point. To profess love is very powerful, about another to your current, simply devastating. Its almost as if your asking for permission, and exanerration through the fore-telling. My advice: Skip the Head Shrink, they dont tell you nuttin but what you tol them. Sit and talk with him, open yourself up to the possibility you helped the situation along. Get commitments from him, up to and including him changing jobs, and cutting off all contact. Lastly, consider the fact that there is nothing you can do to change this, or the inevitable. Prepare yourself for the worst, and make a descion to see it through, or not. Alas, he is married to you, and he comes home to you, right? All is not lost, believe in the innate goodness of others, and believe in the power of true love! It will pass, eventually - can you hold on until it passes???

Answer 3

There is a difference between love and monogamy. Love requires a great deal of communication and compassion. Monogamy requires a great deal of self-control and restraint in resisting human urges that to some are as normal as breathing. In your case, you both clearly love each other and that's good. The bad thing is that you both probably assumed monogamy when you got married, as that's just what most people assume. Unfortunately, monogamy is not an assumption in marriage; it is a commitment, like every other facet of any human relationship. Therefore to stay monogamous, consistent and healthy communication about sex is required. All of us can love many people, especially loving individuals, in many ways. So after years of being married, it may be easy to think one is in love with another, when all that's really happening is that it's something new. It could really be love, though, and at that point you may have to re-evaluate the monogamy of your relationship. The fact may be that none of what I've suggested above is true in your case. You and your husband may discuss sex often, role playing, and how to keep the physical side of your relationship "spicy." If you don't do this, then chances are that the male has found another challenge to conquer and sexing a new woman he cares about is part of that process. You don't have to leave at all. You have to find out what his priorities are and aren't. If you want to be married to a man that loves other women physically, yet he always puts you first spiritually and in every other way, then that may work out if you can tolerate a non-monogamous relationship. You can also see if he's just going through a phase with this, and wait it out. Yet if he already had sex with this woman, and told you after the fact, then you have a respect issue and that has a lot to do with love. It is unlikely he is telling you he loves another woman and is not going to do anything about it; he is waiting to see how you will process and handle the information before he tells you more or decides that he no longer wants a marriage commitment. If his intent is to tell you he loves another woman and he's not doing anything about it, then you have to decide if this is the person you wish to be married to for the rest of your life. You can love someone a lot, and not be married to them. Ultimately, for a guy (and I'm one), it sounds to me like he's just trying to break this to you in a humane manner; he missed the point though. He should have told you long ago he had feelings for someone, yet he did not. The number one thing that breaks up a relationship is a lack of communication and the form that usually takes is a lack of monogamy or in some cases irresponsible monetary habits. Yours is a difficult case because it's about communication. You will never hate him because you can't help who you love. Yet you don't have to stay married to him if he cannot provide you with a commitment that you feel is necessary for your happiness and for you continued sanity. Yet image means a lot to people and if staying married is an image that you want, then you may have to put up with a lot of head-games based on what you describe. You were good to forgive him, yet can he forgive himself and does he even want to? Does he look at your forgiveness as permission to do this to you again in the future? These are tough questions, but ones he will need to answer if he wants to be monogamous.

Answer 4

I know exactly what your going through. My first husband did this to me. He became good friends with a woman at work. They started calling each other a lot. He swore she was just a friend. Their friendship turned into something more. And I knew when it happened. He would sneak around a lot more. He'd make up lame excuses. Be very secretive. He'd disappear in the middle of the night. And then one day he decided to wash the sheets when he has never done this before, and said he did it because I had a cold and he didn't want me to get sick again. I knew he had her in my bed. When I confronted him about it he said he'd never had sex with her. He swore up and down that he didn't. But he know that I knew he was ling. When he finally confessed to me he wanted my forgiveness. I could never see him the same way again. It hurt too much to think he could love someone else. It totally broke my heart into a million peaces. It was like he just ripped me to shreds.
It hurt for awhile. But I got over him, and now I have a new husband and a beautiful baby girl. I wouldn't change anything about my life now. You live and you learn. And just when you think your life is over a new chapter opens wide.

Answer 5

First of all, don't pay attention to what others here have said about moving to another state, or your husband changing jobs.

Those suggestions are inpractical (and ridiculous!), plus they don't solve the underlying problem.....that your husband wants to be with other women.

The real answer is to seek couseling. Either on your own, or for both of you to see a marriage counselor. THAT'S how you cope with this situation.

But before you do that....let me enlighten you a little bit:

You have a good man there as you husband. Apparently he's an honest man, and you should be thankful you have a man like that. It is very clear that your husband loves you very much.....

This sort of thing happens ALL THE TIME! The only difference is that the other women's husbands or boyfriends don't tell them what's going on, so they consider it cheating.

But here's the God's honest truth: A straight man....ANY straight man....will be attracted to women from time to time. It doesn't matter if he is married, or has a girlfriend.....a man WILL have those feelings towards another woman that is not his spouse!

Why? The answer is simple: That's how men are! Men love women (period!)

Most married men don't act upon those feelings (your husband didn't), but some do (the so-called "cheaters). But what remains the same in both types of men is that they both LIKE WOMEN.

Just because a man gets married, doesn't mean that he stops BEING a man!

I'm glad you asked this question because many women out there need to realise that just because their men married them, DOESN'T mean that their men gave up how they feel about women in general.

It happens every day to women out there: Their man....from presidents and heads of state, all the way down to the most comon of men, regardless of income, race, or location......one day their man will see a woman that will strike his fancy, and he will lust after her. That comes natural to a man. Oh, he will try to suppress his feelings, yes, but then he's not being honest with himself, is he?

He will act against his basic impulses because he doesn't want to hurt the woman he's with. Most men have no problem dealing with this process, but unfortunately (as history shows) many men do.

The reality is that many men who are either married or have girlfriends, cheat behind their spouse's back, or are going to strip clubs, or have a whole other life outside their current relationship that their women don't know anything about! (by the way, I said "many men"....NOT ALL men!)

Your husband is a rare man indeed because he was honest with you. That shows his devotion to YOU.

Your feel bad now, and that is very understandable, but think about which would have been the greater hurt.....that he cheated, didn't tell you (lied), and you found out about it? Or, that he din't cheat, and he told you how he felt about another woman?

I applaud your husband! He's a good man! He's obviously good to YOU! He will never intentionaly hurt you. And he'll never leave you! But you have to understand that he's still a man.

Sometimes, you have to let your man BE a man! (do you know what I mean?)

Well, at the very least, I hope I provided a little understanding on how some of men ARE.

Most women are in denial when it comes to how their men are. They think that their men love them so much, that they will never look at another woman....let alone, cheat on them.

Well, they need to face reality. Their men will always love them, yes, but their man will always LIKE other women, too! After all, that's what men DO.....we like women. It's that simple. It would help if a woman didn't feel threatened by that fact, and if more men were honest with their spouses....like your's was.

The lines of communications are open in your marriage....use it to your advantage. Good luck.

Answer 6

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Something similiar happened to me with my 1st husband. After he went away for 2 weeks to Elsavadar with the military he came back and said that he wanted a separation. I asked him was there someone else. He said no. To make long story short....I packed my stuff and he even helped me move to my sisters. Granted we went ahead and got a divorce...we remained friends. Heck, he even helped me with my 2nd marriage when it turned to trash. We are better friends and everytime I decide to visit Memphis where he lives we get together. He has since remarried, divorced and dating. I have yet to let him meet my 3rd husband that is even better than either of my previous husbands. He is actually there and he takes care of me and my 2 girls from my 2nd husband.

So, in my opinion, I would suggest backing up and let there be space. Maybe just a little space between you is what you need. It is possible that you weren't meant to be. Maybe there is somewhere better for you out there. Just take a deep breathe and breath. Talk it out between all of you and see what happens. Good luck!

Answer 7

Oh my gosh that is crazy..I cant say too much bad about him because he was honest with and told you the truth but if he says he will never leave you...you may have to just trust him or leave him alone...I cant say I know what your going though either I hope things work out for you. Or tell him he cant be friends with the women or its over thats what I would do

Answer 8

First of all how dare him.No with friends like her you need to just tell him oh it's OK if you cheat honey.If you invite this *** into your house she will I repeat she will **** your husband if she already hasn't don't be a fool and fall for the dumb dumb.And don't let him treat you like an idiot honey I love you I'm sorry.And you're like OK but inside you're in a rage I suggest you tell your husband how you really feel the truth and forbid this relationship with this woman from going any further if you don't just have a threesome cause they are going to ****.GOOD LUCK I hope it works out however you want it to.

Answer 9

I can feel your pain and understand your situation..look he has told you the truth thats a very positive factor..that means he loves you and cares for you even now..else he would not have told you for sure..trust me.i feel its not his fault entirely,the woman must be enticing him too and maybe something is missing from your side..which led him towards her.shower your love as much as you can,take good care of him,dont overdo but do it sincerely as I know you love him.this is not the time to be sad and depressed,I know the pain but dont let things slip out from your hands..you do your best..be a doting and loving wife,and remember UNDERSTAND him.and leave the rest on GOD..HE will do justice.good luck!
p.s.NEVER give up please.
remember its just infatuation or friendship between the two,so dont give up to that easily.

Answer 10

Girl, you have my sympathy. Your husband and this friend at work are so insensitive to your feelings. If he valued your relationship, he would not allowed this to happen. We can sometimes control our emotions and that's what I believe it is just plain on infatuation. After all, we actually spend more time with the people at work and can sometimes think we are in love and all that stuff and when in fact you are not in love at all. Continue to talk to your husband and tell him that it will be hard to continue friendship with this woman and will be hard for you to understand him continuing as well. Friendship will have to end they should have thought about at first. Good luck.