My husband's 37 yr old daughter( who he did know about) contacts him. Is it normal for me to feel threatened?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 16 years. He is 61 and I am 52. Recently he received a call from a mediator for adoptees and birth parents. It seems he has a daughter he did not know about. She is 37 and has 2 children. I am having a very hard time accepting this. It has literally torn our lives apart. It is as if I see my husband as two different people. Does anyone have any advice?

Answer 1

You should look at it as something he did before he ever met you. This is his flesh and blood, if he wants to get to know his daughter, which is normal, you should welcome her with open arms. There is nothing to fear. She is not a threat to you, you are his wife, and nothing would make him feel more at ease as you telling him you are sorry and you want to meet her, and be excited for him. Its not his fault what happened back then, there must have been a good reason for the situation, Wouldnt you want to find your dad if you were adopted. I am 37 yrs old and if it were me, I sure would want his wife to like me. Or at least be nice to me and not feel like Im intruding. She is probably more scared then you! Tell him you are willing to give it a chance. He has grandkids and man oh man, how sweet would that be, that means you have step grandkids. You could spoil them! You should want to spoil them! Look at this in a positive way. Dont be scared, just think of it like you now have more family members to love!!!! If they come to meet you, have some toys and a little gift for her, make her feel welcome, he will love you so much for it, and your heart will know that you did the right thing! If at all possible, I would really like to know how this turnes out! I am praying for your family and hope that you can see the right path to choose!

Answer 2

I am so glad someone else has the guts to admit to feeling this way. I thought I was just a horrible person. My husband has an 18 year old daughter who came into our lives last year. I've known about her since I met him but her mother took her away and refused to let him see the child because she was angry about him and me. As kids often do, his daughter tracked him down last year. At first, it was very, very hard and there were times I thought we wouldn't make it as a couple. I saw him as two different people too, so I understand what you mean. It's strange. My husband seemed to give his daughter preferential treatment and it caused a lot of resentment from me and our children. He said it was because he wasn't there for her growing up. Anyway, I finally told him how I felt and how the kids were feeling. Things started getting better after that. I don't feel threatened like I did at first. The only advice I can really give is to communicate with your husband. You need that reassurance right now that things between you haven't changed. As long as you communicate, you'll be fine. It's just going to take some time to adjust.
I also have to add that I didn't meet my biological father until I was 17, which I believe helped me sympathize with my step-daughter. I know it's hard but try to imagine what it's like for her too. I do whatever I can to make my "new" step-daughter feel welcome even when I don't feel like it because I was not welcomed by my biological father's family and I know how it feels. I feel it is important because she is my husband's child and I love him. But I don't allow her or anyone else to make me to feel excluded or like an intruder, which can happen. It depends on his daughter. Hopefully, your step-daughter is mature enough to understand her father has a life and a family and if she wants to know him, then she will have to accept you too.

Answer 3

One of the largest differences I've found between most men and most women is in self revelation. Most women feel that their men should tell them everything that has happened in their past. If you ask that, they'll deny it, but they really would like to. They want to feel secure and not have surprises. Men on the other hand mostly want to know things that have bearing on their present or future. So what if you were 'blankety-blank' five years ago... that isn't who you are now.

I may be biased (I'm a guy), but I think the second view point is more healthy. You're seeing your husband as two people, because you're separating his past from your present and future. Fact is, he's still the same man, his past makes him what you know today. Remember, he may be having a hard time with this too. Perhaps harder than yourself.

Rather than being threatened, think of this as a bump on your road of life... Would you ask your husband to stop the car and let you out so he could drive over the bump and then let you back in? Work on this together and be his support in this difficulty. I'm sure he would do the same for you.

Answer 4

Of course you feel torn apart, this is a strange scenario to you, your life has been interrupted by his daughter and things have had to change.Your husband cant help it if she has got in touch with him she is his daughter after all and there is nothing you can do to change that, You must accept it and get on with it, your husband has not changed your circumstances have. Life is for living accept this and you will get on with it maybe even get on with his daughter?

Answer 5

This happened long before he met you. The issue of your problem has to do with insecurity. Your husband will be admirable if he take his daughter into his life.. he didn't know!! What's is your problem? This happened a long time ago.. Does this stems from an image to uphold or what? Is she of another racial background?.. This is your husband's choice and problem.. your job is to love him and support him in whatever he decides. Don't add to the problem.

Answer 6

I can imagine how devastating this could be but why are you looking at him differently ? He didn't know and its not like he cheated on you years ago and this was the outcome. Its unfortunate but these things happen. Women get pregnant and decide to handle it on their own without telling the guys. Now it has to devastate his family. I understand you feel threatened but I dont think you should. You could turn out to like her very much.