what should i do?

Question

My husband and i got married in April. i am pregnant and we have moved to a new state and bought a house together. we are both 25 years old.



when we were dating my hubby and i lived alone with my 6 year old from a previous relationship. when we moved out of state(in dec) his brother had to come with us. my hubby works full time and i stay home. everything sounds good up to there,. the problem is that his brother who is 27 (i am 25 and so is my hubby) has a learning disability. i am expected to take care of him. everything is a problem,... you have to remind him to do everyday things like brush his teeth. I am tired and feel stressed out. so what do i do? I cant take this anymore. should i be the one to leave my house that i paid half of to accomidate his brother or should his brother be the one to leave? and how much is to much for me to do? hoe do i work around this woithout hurting my marriage? I love my husband and we have no issues other than this

ps, everytime i try to talk to my hubby about how i feel he flips on me and acts like his brother is more importnant than me. the other day i heard him talking to his dad and he said that he thinks maybe he made a mistake marrying me cause i dont want his brother around. I feel like i am between a rock and a hard place. i married my hubby not him and his disabled brother. his mother should be the one to care for him.

mother in law lives in another country,.. Trinidad and Tabago. My hubby feels thats not the place for his brother to be

Answer 1

Absolutely his parents should be the ones to take care of him. You are exactly right, you didn't marry him and his brother. If your husband flips out when you bring up the subject, get outside help. Your clergy or even your OB could help breach the subject. I sure hope they don't expect you to care for this boy and a newborn baby.

Maybe you could remind your husband how hard it's going to be to care for a newborn and let him know gently that you feel like his brother won't get the care he needs from you, as your child together will be taking more of your time.

Also, if there is a problem with the parents caring for him, maybe they should consider a home help nurse or a center for him. Even if it is just an adult day care.

It's NOT your responsibility and your husband is being an a$$...

Answer 2

Your husband needs to understand that you love and care about his brother, but that you also can't be expected to be his caretaker.

In the short term, work with your husband to split the responsibilities equally. If he works and you don't, make him take care of your brother for 40 hours a week (weekends, evenings and mornings) just like you do during the week. If you both work, or have some other arrangement, adjust accordingly. This shouldn't be a vindictive thing; you should both have some time off of the brother and the kids, and you should both split the duties of both evenly. This will help him to understand how difficult it is to juggle children and his brother at the same time.

Next, once he understands, talk with him about hiring outside help, or putting him in a facility where he can get better care than you and your husband can provide.

However: he may firmly believe that his brother's place is at home -- and that's legitimate and reasonable -- but also that as the "new mother of the house" you should take care of his brother just like his mother used to -- and that's not reasonable, not one bit. You are a partner, not your husband's mother, and he has no right to expect you to act in that role 24/7.

If at the end of the day he won't take at least equal responsibility for his brother, or if even that isn't enough to alleviate your stress -- then it appears that you, and not your husband, made the wrong decision in whom to marry, and I'm sorry.

By the way, a lot of your stress may be only indirectly related to his brother; that is, it may be the fact that you seem to have no choice in the matter, rather than his brother, that is causing you most of the stress.

Studies have shown that having control over a situation makes it much easier to bear and less stressful; one of the most famous involved two classrooms of people. In one room, people took a test with a loud buzzer going off and no way to stop it, while in the other room the people had the same buzzer with a button on each person's desk to shut it off. The test-takers that had the power to stop the buzzer consistently did better on the tests and felt less stress than those who could not stop the buzzer -- even though the ones who could stop the buzzer *never did*. In short, it was the other group's lack of control -- their inability to stop the buzzer -- rather than the buzzer itself that caused all the stress.

Answer 3

I.m sorry to hear abou this as you are pregnant and dealing with a disabled aduld is hard and frustrating work.
If you tell you husband then he will feel as you are uncompassionate uncaring person. I suggest for you to get a job outside the house or a volunteering position that would make you have to search for some help for your husband brother. There are nursings homes nad institutions for the imapired that would give him social skills and would teach him things in an appropiate setting. He can socialize and learn and even get a job, as many organizations would help you wioth this, At 27 he an hold a job and take some responsability off from you.

This is too much for you too handle, jeez, you are in a bad spot. Sorry,

Answer 4

I think you should try telling your husband how hard it is for you to be with his brother everyday. If he doesn't listen then try talking to his parents. They are probably very understanding and know what you are going through since they lived with him for a long time. If they don't want to take him in then it might make the most sense to look in to an assisted living home. I'm not sure what they are called in the USA (or if you even have something similar), but in Canada they are similar to a seniors home, but they just help people that cannot live on their own live their lives to the fullest. Sometimes they are called halfway houses. Hopefully this shows you a few options, good luck in you everyday trials.

Answer 5

Tell your husband that while you love his brother as if he were your own and care deeply about him, it is stressing you out taking care of him, and your child especially while youa re pregnant. Ask him if he could help you in some way. Be patient. And tell him that you know he works and is stressed, but that it is exhausting you, and that can't be good for the baby. Don't give him an ultimatum though. That will only make him feel even more that you don't udnerstand.

Answer 6

my question to you is this.. who was taking care of the brother before you moved and he got involved in your marriage and be honest with yourself, what were you expecting to happen.. you moved out of state with no other family around, and if there is family, that is where he should go, but you should have really thought this through better, so I do put some of the blame on you for letting this situation happen and don't blame the brother with the learning disability.. thats not fair to him

Answer 7

Thats a tough one.Maybe if you say something like ," Hon , I just want whats best for your brother and I feel he may need a little more at times other than me."Maybe we can hire a nurse even part time a couple of hours a week " this may give you a break to sort things out.
What if got a part time job to just catch a break?

Answer 8

You are in a tough spot. You didn't get married to both of them intentionally, and I don't think that it is fair to you at all. Your husband needs to explore other options for his brother and not expect you to handle the situation. His parents should be in charge of that.
Why does your husband feel like it is his and your responsibility

Answer 9

Listen an listen good. His brother is and will always be more important to him than you are. Family first. If you dont feel this way, then I am sorry, and your family must not have been stong, and you dont deserve this guy. He sounds like the kind of guy most dream of meeting.

Answer 10

it sounds like you need to see a pro about this. try counseling with your hubby. at least there you can get all your feelings out and you can maybe get your hubby to see your point. what do his parents do that they are too busy to care for their son. you have your kids to care for. was this talked about before marriage or was it just sprung on you. if it was just sprung on oyu then you do have a good point