Should a newly married couple bring his/her old bed into their new home even if they don't have another one?

Question

The details are that the new bride dosn't want anything that any old girl friends may have used in her new home. Any and all things must go weather they can afford to replace it or not at the time. Not only the bed but dishes, linnen, towels, gifts, drinking glasses, etc. According to her all these things carry bad energy. God she says his spoken to her telling her the bed must go, and the other items she throws in for free. P.S. Most of her stuff is exzempt.

Answer 1

I think that is stupid. If you can't afford to replace it, then use it until you can afford to replace it. It sounds to me like this girl is a little "weird" but he made the choice to marry her so he gets to put up with it or leave.

Answer 2

I strongly advise against keeping the old bed. Gifts? You should get rid of those too. Why would you hold on to something someone gave you who you no longer have a relationship with? You do not need these things as "notches on your bedpost" to prove how many women you had, do you? Ask yourself why you do not understand that she wants a fresh start with you, just the two of you in the house. Having that stuff around is like sharing you with them and I can absolutely understand why she doesn't want to do that. Respect her. Sell the old bed and make a fresh start with a new one. Emotionally, it's better for everyone.

PS. If she has things given to her by old boyfriends, then she should abide by the same rule and get rid of the stuff. Maybe you two need to have a huge yard sale and use the proceeds to replace as much as you can with things you buy together.

Answer 3

Well, I can tell by your question, your new bride has a real self esteem problem. She is immensely jealous and controlling. You have chosen a real head case of real low esteem. Now not withstanding that....

To make you marriage work first you need to go to marriage counseling. This is a real must for you and her. Bringing your old bed in to the house is not the real issue here. She is really saying she is bothered by your old relationships and can not get pass the thought you had others in bed in your pass. If you were to take it one step further, would she have your privates replaced if she could?

She really needs help and you do to. As far as the answer, personally if you want to start out right, chuck your old bed for a new one but keep the silverware and plates. Sheets she can buy and use as she pleases.

And really God has nothing to do with it. She need help and you need to help her... seek a professional.

Answer 4

Things are just things and they don't carry any bad ju-ju...believe me, I'm a new ager!! Although it is nice to start a marriage with fresh new stuff, if you can't afford to buy a bed right now, I really don't see the big deal about using your old bed. She's being too sensitive...and honestly, do you really think that God cares what bed you sleep on??? *giggle* that's just silly!

Answer 5

Sounds like she is insure. If she doesn't want to keep the bed I could possible understand but throwing out the dishes and anything else seems silly. If you have to throw out everything then she should do the same thing.

Good Luck!

Answer 6

If your used items must go then so should hers unless she was a virgin till the vows. She should also be prepared to come up with the money to pay for the new bed.

Answer 7

I hope that I do not offend anyone with this answer.

First: when someone says "God said", they're really saying one of two things. Either they're saying "I truly believe that God talks to me" -- which, if meant literally, most religious folks will acknowledge is crossing the line into mental instability -- or they're saying "I am invoking the name of God so that you will not be able to debate the issue with me."

For the sake of this answer, I'm going to assume that your spouse is mentally stable, and so is invoking the name of God as a means for ending any further discussion of the issue.

So, with that out of the way...

It's easy to understand why somebody might want their new married life to begin with a clean break from the past; perhaps they have an idealized image of marriage that they've carried over from childhood, or there's something in their (or your) past that they're trying to forget, or they just see it as an opportunity to "cleanse" and start over. These are legitimate reasons, at least as much as they mean something to the person who holds one or more of these views.

Here's where the trouble comes in:

1. You can't afford to replace these things, so the decision to dispose of them shows a lack of financial judgement;

2. If you don't know her reasons -- and since she's invoking the name of God to stop any discussion of her reasons, it's likely that you do not -- then her reasons might be irrational, and even she might realize it (otherwise she'd be willing to discuss it).

In short: she's making a decision that has a significant negative financial impact on both of you, is making that decision on her own without any input from you, and is refusing to have a rational discussion about it.

Think about that for a moment. Is that what a marriage should be about? The whole purpose of marriage is to join in a partnership that enables you to be stronger, and accomplish more, than you could ever do on your own as individuals. Instead, she's already making a decision that impacts you -- and her! -- negatively, and you're not a partner in that decision.

You need to sit down with her, and explain that you have concerns about your relationship that are more important than the furniture. Calmly explain that she's making a decision that will have a financial impact on the both of you, and she's making it without your input, and without consideration for how you feel. Finally, state that no matter what God may or may not have said, she owes it to you to have a rational discussion about her personal feelings towards your past and how it impacts your future together.

If she says "I'm sorry, you're right, let's talk", you're going to be okay.

If she says "I know it's hard, and I understand where you're coming from, and I promise to include you in future decisions, but this is really important to me", then you should listen to her, but don't dispose of the furniture -- put it in storage, in case she continues to make decisions like this in the future, and you get divorced.

If she refuses to discuss it, I strongly advise that (if you don't have kids) you seriously consider getting a divorce, because a relationship can't survive without communication. If you do have kids, head for counseling right away, because you owe it to your children to find a way to make the marriage work.

Here's one thing you might try, if she's willing to have a rational discussion about it: tell her "look, I understand how you feel, because I feel the same way about your things. If you're really unable to accept my past into your home, then I don't think it's fair for you to expect me to do the same -- why don't we sell every last bit of it, as quickly as we can, and use the money to buy all-new stuff that we both like?" Honestly, that's what my wife and I decided to do, even though we had no issues with the old furniture, just because we had too much furniture and it didn't really suit the old house. It was a lot of work, but it was a lot of fun, too.

Finally: don't forget to consider the possibility that she thinks you have terrible taste, and this whole thing is just a way of avoiding telling you how she feels about your ugly furniture, towels, gifts, etc.

PS: Gifts? She wants you to get rid of gifts that other people gave you? Everything else that I wrote aside, don't let her get rid of the gifts. Tell her: "I am who I am, I am the man you love, because of everything that happened to me in the past. These gifts represent connections between myself and all of the people who made me who I am today. A bed is a bed, but these gifts mean something to me -- I'm not getting rid of them." If she refuses, then you have a big issue to deal with: she cannot deal with the fact that you HAVE a past, and that you have (and had) other people in your life. If she can't accept you as the person you were as well as the person you are, and can't accept the fact that you have connections to other people...your marriage is likely in serious trouble.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Well I let my husband use his odl bed that he had with his exwife. It's not a big deal. As long as it isn't anything major liek the wedding ring. LOL Tell her to suck it up but in a nice way

Answer 9

Uh, if you married her that must mean you love her and respect who she is so the answer is yes, you two should have a new bed.

Answer 10

Didn't you discuss this before saying i do?? Do you want your marriage to work??? What are you willing to do to make that happen???Make it a positive thing.See who needs any of that stuff or have a garage sale.Seems kinda one sided.Perhaps counseling is in order. Peace.