Got any jokes?

Question

the best joke gets 10 points!

Answer 1

yeah, i do.

yo momma


okay, that wasn't funny, sorry


okay, i got 1, but its kinda gay...


there was a patient and a doctor, the patient had gone to the doctor, to see what was wrong with him, and finally! the doctor called the patient back with his results. The doctor told his patient, "Sir, I have bad news and worse news. Which would you like first?"
"Uhm, the bad news I guess," the patient said anxiously.
The doctor said, "It turns out.. you are going to die in 24 hours."

The patient says, "Then what's the worse news?!"

The doctor pauses and says, "I found out yesterday, but forgot to call you."


...

Answer 2

Marriage
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

What's new? Most of my wife.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Answer 3

The internet has spoiled joke-telling. It used to be a satisfying art form, but now a click of the mouse makes anybody a comedian. Just takes all the fun out of it.

Answer 4

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

Answer 5

there ar 3 women stuck on an island and they find a magic box which grants them each 1 wish,so da first woman wishes 2 b 100 times smarter so its granted and she builds a both and sails off,da second woman wishes 2 b 1000 times smarter its granted and she builds a plane and flies off,da final woman asks 2 b 1million times smarter its granted and she turns into a man.


this joke is wasted on women

Answer 6

It is a joke that people with seemingly no physical ailments sit around asking people for money.

TFTP

Answer 7

Here's one:

Why did the smurfs laugh when they ran through the forest?

Because the grass tickled their balls.

Here's another:

If a girl with big boobs works at HOOTERS, then does that mean that the girls with peglegs work at IHOP?

Answer 8

there was this dumb blond and her husband ask her "can you make us some tuna sandwich's?" she goes into the kitchen and says is "chicken of the sea" chicken?

Answer 9

why did the blonde girl have bruises around her belly button? her boyfriend was blonde too!

Answer 10

http://www.starterupsteve.com/flash/html/jingle_bells_reversed.shtml

This is great...