How can a woman love something that has just caused her so much pain?

Question

I hear all these horror stories, tears, stiches, surgery to repair torn muscles, too sore to have sex for months, unable to go back to work, weight gain, stuck in the house for months unable to go back to work or get out much, having to depend on father of baby to pay the mortgage and things... the whole thing sounds like anybodies worse nightmare. If there wasn't a baby involved this would be considered a terrible disease.

How can women love their babies after all that? I've read that some don't. What do you do if that happens?

Answer 1

You forget all the bad stuff and remember the good things. You forget the morning sickness, the indigestion, the frequent need to wee, the contractions the birth, the pain afterwards... and it all just fades away when you see that little person that you created.

It's amazing how nature takes over, it's all in the hormones and it is incredible. If women didn't act like that no-one would have more than one baby.

As for some of your comments:
Too sore to have sex: well you may be but you may not be ;)
Unable to get back to work: nurseries take children from 3 months old. If you are that way inclined it is possible.
Weight gain: so what?
Stuck in the house: Absolutely not. I go out more since I have had children than ever before.

If you are one of the few people out there who don't bond with their children it probably means you have post natal depression. The most common answer to this is short term anti depressants.

The feelings you have when you first have a baby aren't love as such, it is hormone induced euphoria. You grow to love the baby as you would grow to love any other human being, so people who worry about not feeling all dreamy about the baby immediately, are worrying unnecessarily.

I guess the short term answer to your question is: Give it a go and see how YOU feel!

:o)

Answer 2

In the interest of ease in answering, I will write as if you are going to deliver soon, the times I say you, please substitute whomever you need to.
That is a very good question sweetie. If for some reason a momma doesn't "bond" with her baby, the mother is given counsel, and sometimes anti-depressant medications may be necessary. Post partum depression is no joke. occasionally a woman will get so hormonally off kilter that murder is a rational option to the baby blues afflicted momma. It is truly homone induced insanity. This is not the time to be tough, not with a new baby, your body has been through enough. you certainly can't expect a full night of sleep for a while.
There are two things that can never be remembered with the intensity of the experience, terror and pain. Personal human sanity can't face that. Most women forget the pain of the prior contraction before the next one comes on.
I had one baby 'natural' and one baby with an epidural block. I highly recommend the epidural. I have spoken to many many women about that opinion and have always gotten the same answer, an epidural is the best way to be aware during the birth. The pain is no worse than a bad cramp, you make a face, but feel no need to scream about it.
As for the financial, scale back, scale down and save as much as you can. Ask for cash and get second hand clothing and furniture. Try to have at least three months bill money saved before delivery. Use the baby in tummy time to get as much overtime as you can bear to work. Bank the difference, or pay everything that you can ahead of time.
As for sex, with a gentle, kind, caring partner, you will get back into that as soon as you are ready. I actually did while I still had stitches, while I wouldn't recommend that, I was definitely fine after. ;-) The epidural minimizes tearing and trauma associated with child birth because you are more relaxed. That helps with getting back to regular activities sooner. Sex, work life in general...
Hope this helped.

Answer 3

"how can women love their babies after all that?"

being needed is a powerful motivator. for some people, it's a negative motivator and they want to run fast and far. for others, it's a positive motivator.

also, by the time you give birth, you're already involved in a relationship with this child. you've been home to your baby for nine months - a lot of the time is spent wanting to meet this new person. and making eye contact with your newborn is a pretty powerful experience.

as far as the pain of childbirth goes, nursing can really help (once you get over the nipple pain that is ;)) it releases powerful hormones that can override the pain of a healing body.

in terms of being stuck in the house, well, that's a mother's choice in some situations. getting out of the house is really important. having a good network of mothers around you is really important. feeling that you're not alone, that you're part of a longer and older tradition of motherhood, can do a lot for helping with the early hardships.

"i've read that some don't. what do you do if that happens?"

that's the tough part of the question. i really don't know, but i can make some guesses.

give it time. sometimes it can take a while to "bond." maybe it's the first time your child really looks you in the eyes, maybe it's the first time he or she smiles at you (even if it's gas), maybe it takes as long as a year.

take a break if you need to. sometimes leaving your child in someone else's care (temporarily, and in a planned way) can be the best thing. it might remind a mother of how large a role a child really does play, and how much a child is a good and important part of her life.

and if not, maybe a mother could think about giving her baby up for adoption - if there are no other options, and if the dad and the rest of the family is ok with it.

Answer 4

It takes one look in your child's eyes and you will no that you just do. All that other stuff torn muscles soreness will all go away. Heck you see ppl that ride motorcross, snowboard etc. that will hurt themselves much worse and the next season they are back out there doing it again right? So having a baby is nothing.
As for not getting out of the house well that is just stupid, do you hair get your makeup on and get out. Nothing is holding you in the house...the baby would want to go out to. Just because you had a baby doesn't mean you have to become a hermit.
Last honey I hope by the time you have a baby you have a man that you depend on so much more than just paying the mortgage. You should have a man that you depend on for everything...a husband should be a partner, someone that you trust your everything to...not just to pay the mortgage.

Answer 5

I was on bed rest for the last 4months of pregnancy and when I delivered I suffered a 4th degree tear. My rectum tore and also my urinary tract! I developed a fistula, my intestines started breaking through the vaginal wall andm I had to have 2 major surgeries to repair all the damage (one surgery lasted 7hours) Plus I could not have them while the tissues were still healing so I had to wait 4month and 6months post In that time I couldnt even leave the house and the pain was unbearable at times.. .. I didnt want to take pain meds because I wanted to be able to take care of my daughter without passing out. So I am one of the worst cases of childbirth complications and still I can say that not even for a split second did I feel any resentment toward my baby! It is a question that really cant be explained or put into words.. The love between mother and child is undeniably a very powerful force! hopefully one day you will experience it and have your question answered.

Answer 6

Almost everything you have named is a material or vanity possession. A child is way beyond all of that. You will intimately nurture that person for 9 months without anyone on the outside being in contact. The mother is the *only* person to touch that child for the first 9 months of its existance.

My wife worked until the day before my son was born. She was out of work for 6 weeks, not out of pain but because she wanted at least 6 weeks to be with her new born son. She works just fine right now and isn't depending on my salary.

It is hard to describe how or why anyone would feel like a parent feels to another human being. I am totally in love with my son, and there is nothing I can do about it.

It is what it is.

Answer 7

We love our babies because we're programmed that way for the survival of the species. The maternal instinct is incredibly strong; you don't even have to try--you just love your baby more than anything in the world. Some women do get postpartum depression. This is caused by the hormonal rollercoaster your body goes through before, during and after childbirth. This is not the same as not loving your child. If it's severe, you absolutely need to seek help, but I think most new moms just get a mild case of "baby blues." It's normal and goes away by itself most of the time.

Answer 8

Because all the reasons you are given - however valid they may be - are RATIONAL reasons. And love is to a rather large extent IRRATIONAL. It is an emotion that is mainly led by instinct, I suppose. I have had 2 children and I can tell you that I felt so elated after each birth, I would have signed up for the next one right away ;-).

What happens is that you suddenly see this wonderful little thing which (a) you have produced yourself, (b) your beloved has helped produce, (c) evokes feelings of tenderness and protection just because of its looks and helplessness.

Of course there are women who do not love their babies - that's just as natural if not as common. And the reasons are emotional as well, I suppose, whatever it may have been that the woman has had to go through...

Answer 9

If you are truly ready to have a baby then you will forget all of the pain and discomfort once the baby is handed to you. It is a miracle for a woman to carry another human being in their bodies for 9 months and then give birth to it. You have the power to do that and some men get jealous of that. That is the one thing that you can do that men cannot do. Believe me being a mom is the best thing in the whole world. Every time my son calls me Moma or kisses me, it makes all the pain and hard days worth it. :)

Answer 10

Some women have more painful or complicated deliveries than others. Some have a hard time changing their lifestyles. I was in labor with my first child for 28 hours with no drugs. Only 5 hours for the second child hehehe. My husband and I were broke, stressed and tired for a long time. Let me tell you, there is NOTHING that will EVER compare to the love you feel for your children.
I never cry at girly movies. I was never mushy, or sensitive, or sentimental, etc......But, when it comes to my children it's a different story. They are amazing, and I never thought I could love someone soooo much.